“Hey, you know if you call a bad play on 3rd down here, you’re gonna have to scrape the boogers and him off the underside of Nicky’s desk.” https://t.co/wZ3zg1BIGT

Dear Twitter, can we keep my feed full of people riffing on this image all night? Please? https://t.co/4Eiz0PC6zf

Can’t believe we’re still doing this when the vaccines have been out for 9 months.

Now where did I stash my masks? https://t.co/RNTen8dYDc

Browns logo is a rabbit pushing a shopping cart https://t.co/n5vN46EzRt

Cookbook idea: How to Make Gumbo When You Think It’s Spelled “Roo”

Dear God, thank you so much for compelling the noisy talker at that there table to leave. https://t.co/B2ZsLgFH04

Weird that by today's standards "black man" sounds fine when Stevie sings it, but "yellow man" and "red man" sound racist af.

https://t.co/QHzRs3XT9C

Both Seph Curry and I can make a free throw. https://t.co/pyjx2MyIgH

I love watching Army/Navy every year. I enjoy the game, and I appreciate that it’s the last time I’ll have to listen to Gary Danielson for the year.

"Like the Stanford Prison Experiment but with less prison and more aspic."

This is a very good writeup! https://t.co/LTeD0yNzH7

Our dogs and cats must get so jealous that we can just pick up the glass and pour water into our mouths.

@bastardspod Subject for an episode: https://t.co/0fgo7WFpvI

Seems like one who wanted to do some good, maybe, but went way too far. Would love to learn more.

Yeah, but the Saints are on then… https://t.co/LXPklwh48D

Brain Kelly’s family looking like they’ve never worn purple before, and they’re not sure they like it. #lsufootball

Suggestion: Coach O to replace Lee Corso when LC retires.

That aged like day-old bread. https://t.co/vbgWL80V0l

That’s like an inch of snow. And they have a tractor with a plow. I think they’re just loving the Oasis covers. https://t.co/Olg5P38xX0

Wild that Louisiana has 5 FBS football teams, but only 2 of those have coaches right now.

This ends my Monday morning #coachingcarousel series of tweets. Have a great week!

The only universe where USC is a better job than Oklahoma is one where you’re afraid to play an SEC schedule. In which case, good job, #LSU

When every #Duke fan considers what they’re thankful for, I hope they remembered to include that Joe Alleva is no longer AD, in charge of the search for a new football and basketball coaches.

If only Aaron Rodger’s was 1/2 as likeable as the Allstate guy in those commercials.

I don’t know how many years it’s been since they ran one, but I still miss listening to a Turkey Shoot episode of @soundopinions on my Thanksgiving weekend drives.

RT @Giannis_An34: You won't believe me but a kid just told me to try dunking my Oreos in milk... mannnnn game changer 🔥🥛#MadMyGirlDidntTell…

WHAT. THE. FUCK. is the deal when that first instant of piss squirts out sideways?

Alternate headline: Garbage Human Being sues NFL, Other Garbage Human Being https://t.co/h7SNS2JSRc

The best party is one where everyone enjoys your company immensely, and one where you will never be invited back.

It’s weird that almost every cast member from Six Feet Under is better known for something else, because that show is right up there with the best shows ever, and the acting was 💯 https://t.co/MREvGxDhlL

🔥 content we need https://t.co/2m34F4xWmz

Is there a podcast deep dive into the “Bad art friend” story?

I only just now realised that Aladdin is just gender-reversed Cinderella

My favorite prank for when I have someone else's phone unlocked is to go to text replacement and add a rule that changes "me" to "this here bitch"

At some point, the airlines are going to be perplexed about whether to lift mask mandates or not. I think they should divide the plane into masked/non-masked sections, like the smoking/non-smoking that (honest to god) existed when I was a kid.

How was that not the very first reply? https://t.co/ELDcQLXo8T

I like that the quantity number is precise down to the 1/100th of a jellybean. https://t.co/uLKldaMXhw

When the new barista forgets to ask your name https://t.co/Kp8OdbGqJv

Every hotel lobby at 6:00 AM on a Saturday: three middle aged dudes spread as far apart as lobby geography allows, drinking coffee and looking into their phones in peace, while their families sleep in.

The Wake Forest/Kentucky national championship game is gonna be lit.

Goddamn American hero, this one https://t.co/Z7PYqy8IC1

Instant meme https://t.co/NZsFQzT726

One of these days, I gotta do something with this domain. Any ideas, @matt_valdez ? https://t.co/dha4zvFIbx

.@kexp is playing killer tunes this afternoon. https://t.co/4TeWO9jg52

RT @bens4lsu: @Saints The Saints love signing former Saints. Is Joe Horn in shape?

No matter how this week started fir you, you didn’t expect to spend so much mental energy on Nicki Minnaj’s cousin’s friend’s big swollen potatoes.

I’ll be damned. I was pretty sure the wife murdered him and made up the gator story. https://t.co/2cfFqDmRxG

RT @DamnInteresting: Video: The super bizarre quantum eraser experiment [7:55] https://t.co/SUlN4q8C2e https://t.co/CpmtPqQ7rN

I think she’s enjoying the movie. #dogsoftwitter https://t.co/mVyZGoEW3t

It’s impossible for me to say that something is “very nice” or mention “my wife” without slipping into Borat voice, and my own brain is even annoying to me.

.@ESPNBooger loves him a plaid sport coat

RT @Nate_Griffin: @CoreyRForrester “He’s playin’ like shit, he has to wear pink the next game.”

My dad, who thinks the Breast Cancer Aware…

Between the natural disasters and the pandemic, I think you could argue that no governor in history has had a rougher go of it than @LouisianaGov. I hope he throws the mother of all ragers the day after he leaves office.

Jesus Christ. Delete your account before someone you know irl sees this. https://t.co/824KLA8Pmk

@RadioMadison playing SiriusXM to the whole neighborhood as long as we have power as #ida blows into Baton Rouge.

If you’re anywhere in Plaquemines Parish today, I’m sorry for you, but you’re a damned fool. https://t.co/f6yQalQmVp

Our mayor’s wig is better than your mayor’s wig. #weatherchannel #batonrouge #ida

Mormonism’s Sci-Fi Swan Song https://t.co/ZTvpd7tdbh via @instapaper

RT @nickmmark: “Have you seen my ivermectin?” https://t.co/sBMC366TPd

How come hazel isn't a color except for with eyes?

Hmm, he might know @blacksmithjim https://t.co/FmeDixsfKi

Stupidest thought on the internet this week comes at us early. https://t.co/lmG0a0tbkn

We Tried to Do Vanlife Right. It Broke Us Down. https://t.co/F1HtvOnIeJ via @instapaper

The ballad of the Chowchilla bus kidnapping https://t.co/WPt8Z1Hzuq via @instapaper

RT @m_tisserand: This is the messaging we need https://t.co/ByLr33QKhj

If we can just deliver the vaccine through that new boozy Mountain Dew, we can have festivals again.

I know it’s the same thing every year, but Hard Knocks starts tonight and I couldn’t be more pleased.

The Political Education of Killer Mike | GQ https://t.co/49XTipklCD via @instapaper

Dayum, biology is cool https://t.co/70BqAcF5qT

Oh wow. I totally missed this when it happened. https://t.co/kNOOod4Fux

RT @ebrpl: Ecuadorian harpist Ginna Paredes will perform a FREE concert at the Main Library at Goodwood next Sunday at 3 p.m.

RT @kulipeter: no words. just this guy. https://t.co/2iYH9tm2vg

I’m the best looking in the dark.

We Danced Together. I Took Him Home. Then I Discovered He May Have Been a Serial Killer. https://t.co/CGmj9XBrty via @instapaper

If so, it would have been because they fucked up my order twice. https://t.co/FBTfFhuftz

There is absolutely nothing that will make you laugh in r/politicalhumor

First Tweet in over a week.

Don’t want Terry on my ass.

RT @SylvanEsso: i’d personally appreciate it if y’all could get vaccinated so that we don’t have to cancel all these shows we have planned,…

Broken clock, twice a day… https://t.co/2zuemmlAGb

I’m a holder of a 30-year-old BS in Electrical Engineering from a state university. You nailed the explanation. https://t.co/PdWy5YrbUL

Bahamas lifestyle is very healthy. If I’m thirsty, I drink rum punch. If I’m hungry, I drink Kalik.

RT @michaelharriot: I can’t believe this app is free.

Very nice. Can’t wait for the fall to start reading @Ivan_Maisel again like I have every fall forever. https://t.co/WrOu6OzXym

RT @fofalex: @animatedGeoff Saw the 2021 US rainfall map last night, blew my mind https://t.co/HY1KcrUWt5

I’m still kinda buzzing about that baseball game last night. Best game I’ve seen in a very long time.

How many folders do you have on your computer where you just drag files and tell yourself you'll clean up later?

I've got Downloads, "temp work", "VM Share", and one for every client I work with.

RT @Rach_Charles: I wanted a cookie cake and they asked what was the special occasion, so.. https://t.co/PXKpsdsSsk

My pets are a cat and a rat terrier. That didn’t stop a rat from making a big Tom-and-Jerry-style archway in the wall behind my stove.

(Wish this was a joke)

Took me a minute https://t.co/5s62uY2rMV

All makes sense now. Just by odd happenstance, his tailor is named Bo Jiden, and that’s who keeps meaning to say is sadly lost to senility. https://t.co/NhD2ttHIji

Such a burn when you see the ... showing that they're replying to your IM, and then it just disappears with no reply at all.

Tbh, I don't really blame the people who aren't getting vaccinated because they assume a $700 bill will show up two months later. They should read a little more, but it's not like our healthcare system doesn't do that sort of thing.

Have you ever thought about how ridiculously deep the Washington State music legacy is? Look at this list. How deep do you have to go before you're struggling to remember who the band is? Mid-40s for me.

https://t.co/PFDlktgD0q

Wildfires, by Sault, is a seriously badass song

I’m near a tall fuckin bird https://t.co/ctksgr3YWd

RT @CoreyRForrester: I wrote an A cappella Country song for Pride https://t.co/i6slGsKkRP

There was a good 5 year stretch where this was my most valued possession. https://t.co/t7u29e9GMK

RT @RuthABuzzi: Bought a package of lettuce from "Mamas and Papas Grocery"--- Got home, and guess what?

All the leaves are brown.

RT @dandydonlsu: Coach Mainieri, you’re a great coach and an even better man.

Thank you.

#LSU

It’s no coincidence that “lickin things” rhymes with “chicken wings”

I’m gonna scroll so far back on my Twitter timeline that LSU has a good baseball teams.

This is one of the most entertaining portraits of a crazy person that I’ve heard. ⁦From the always great @QanonAnonymous⁩ podcast https://t.co/FO8yhhakMR

This is the Baton Rougeiest Tweet ever. https://t.co/71Oifg6D73

.@mattgaetz you shittin’ your pants yet?

Had to select data from a table in a client’s data warehouse. Was a table of physical places where things are stored, in a scheme named Data.

SELECT * FROM https://t.co/a1jbUH57j8.Warehouse

Fall festival lineups have been coming out and they’re crazy good. Fingers crossed for Voodoo. #nola

I hope these kids are better at medicine than they are at making signs. https://t.co/gD3Zu2fD0z

The racists over at Tiger Droppings are going to be soooo offensive https://t.co/lIqvt6iOmZ

I hate "k" as an IM reply. Are you really too busy to type the "o"?

Code comments when everyone on the project is at least 40. https://t.co/gy3HsiE5bU

I’ll be on with you. I’m not as pretty, but my name is Ben and I’ve been to Boston at least six times! https://t.co/fLLF3VcZlT

Nature of contract work: I need 5 different apps to generate random numbers for 2FA https://t.co/Tj9cVpMrX5

Is it possible for a school to have too much money? https://t.co/rvXIBYpL6f

RT @paintblljnkie: @SteveHofstetter Guliani right now https://t.co/pEZzygDMX2

what did you get your significant other to mark Ed Balls Day this year?

💪 https://t.co/Mv1B0fOkmU

I mean at some point, this is on the hospital. https://t.co/YAltf4MAjE

Now let’s head to Facebook to get the reaction from the racists.

I've heard this song come up twice today in totally different places. African music is a big thing now, right?

(It is a bad ass tune. Makes me feel like I'm festvaling) https://t.co/uibov61mWe

The gnats in Baton Rouge are a fucking nightmare the last few days.

RT @sepinwall: JUST BRING IN LEVAR BURTON FOR AN AUDITION WHY IS THIS SO HARD

About to get dose #2. Should I be listening to something by @thevaccines or Hit Me With Your Best Shot?

Oh my heavens

https://t.co/JRqktrBom0

Over/under on when @CoreyRForrester chooses “Leviticus” as @mattkoonmusic’s middle name: February 18, 2026

I guess it’s called a Trautwein then. https://t.co/KgPKvIiGuP

I wonder what day of park ranger training covers putting on shrimp boots and plunging a campground toilet that looks like it was vandalised by rhinoceroses with diarrhoea.

Reminder that there’s no such thing as the devil, and the only reason he appears on heavy metal albums, music videos, or even shoes, is to get grownups to have a conniption fit over the product.

And Louisiana https://t.co/YOPu4WfJ8O

LSU equipment people are fucking with y’all. https://t.co/3HEQX7pxw2

Flicked a booger out of the car window at a stop light, and totally got busted by the car next to me.

Is Country Road Take Me Home the best song about a shitty state?

Don’t even think about telling me Sweet Home Alabama or Rocky Top are good songs.

Weird that all the fuckery at LSU has cost more people jobs at other universities than at LSU.

Where i discover that I can check Asian markets for Chicory coffee when. Out of state. https://t.co/BedEc5QolM

Those were good times. https://t.co/5xPSOxed8k

No one will love you like a basset hound loves you.

Possibly related: god dammit, they're stupid. https://t.co/faIc0mI1a8

Petition to permanently replace McDonald and Rollins @BuzzyHaydel2 and @HuntPalmer88 on the LSU TV broadcasts.

This is super interesting https://t.co/slPNMqmGEw

Can we go ahead and rename Lee Circle Brees Circle?

Myth: Duke Kids are smart.

Fact: COVID is rampant at Duke. No one in their early 20s is smart.

Periodic reminder that @RudyGiuliani has his DMs open. https://t.co/w0VDfyQTsA

Are they for real charging $130 to watch sailboats race? https://t.co/0uEnYWg3SW

The sound of leaf blowers in my neighborhood is CONSTANT. It's the only thing that makes me want to work in an office again.

Hey @LaSportsHall , let’s get @thomasmorstead inducted pronto!

Just thought a guy in the coffee shop was one of my fav LSU professors. Did a google search to check, and my prof passed away 10 years ago. RIP Dr Aravena.

I hate to tell my republican friends, but I was putting the high heels on Mr potato head before the word “transgender” was even coined.

RT @NonsenseIsland: THREAD: Lots of us learned classical music from watching old cartoons, so I’m going to identify the pieces that frequen…

While everyone is getting their panties in a bunch over the fake story about gender-neutral Potato Head (and who would even care), let's take a moment to rewatch Mr. Potato Head's best acting moment: the expression he makes at the end of this scene.

https://t.co/L73PDcnA6j

RT @briancgrubb: wrote about something that is very important to me...

waiting rooms should have Food Network or HGTV playing instead of c…

I once paid my sister to log on to a company portal and complete an online ethics training requirement for me. #whoneedsethics

Who wants to tell her? https://t.co/7G87cwMkW4

Funny that Kansas has so much wind power though, if it doesn’t work in the cold. https://t.co/m57N3xrjoE

For those of us in frozepolcalypse, raise your hand if you're in the same sweats you were in on Sunday. 🙋‍♂️

RT @wwoz_neworleans: HAPPY MARDI GRAS!!!

We may not be in the streets this year, but today sounds the same as every #MardiGras on WWOZ. Li…

I don’t get how this is stressing the system that can air condition Louisiana in August. And this is from a guy who took an intro to thermodynamics class almost 30 years ago, not some random donkey https://t.co/HcuFpqnaBw

It will be nice when everyone faces the fact that there’s no such thing as the devil. https://t.co/YMxUh8lWvd

LOL, Risk your lives to go to Baton Rouge, sure, but Port Allen!?! https://t.co/FwvnKCJQ9l

Congratulations to @BillCassidy for growing the tiniest of backbones

RT @byDavidGardner: "I'm here live. I'm not a cat."

A lawyer logged into the 394th Judicial District with a cat filter on and couldn't tur…

I don't care who got the trophy, Devin White was MVP of that game. https://t.co/skCLy7taCR

What white privilege? https://t.co/dKVEqBz0pE

There are only a handful of shows I’ve watch through more than once, but I’m up for a full Party Down rewatch. https://t.co/wiG3LrQMu9

Regina, which I know because it’s easy for it to be misunderstood in a hilarious way. https://t.co/4tHrUPU5KQ

.@TitusAndronicus just played in my iTunes shuffle, and I don't know why I don't have every album in the heavy rotation. It's officially Titus Andronicus February at my house.

It’s too bad I’m done adopting kids, cause I just thought of a really good name: Merlitaloo Gawash

RT @ItsAndyRyan: Two elderly British ladies greeting each other https://t.co/4SKjRhLj6j

Honestly, I thought it would be a lot swankier. It appears to be about as nice as any city’s downtown Marriott. https://t.co/JIRUu7yz95

I wish the twice-impeached guy still had an office staff to leak how pissed he is about the Katy Perry firework show.

Yet another inaugural speech with no mention of getting The Fugees back together.

Had surgery this morning and been out all day. It’s such a pleasure to open Twitter and read “President Biden”

Attention any DC that wants to be a head coach in the next couple of years: @LSUFootball returns an experienced D-line and two lock-down cornerbacks better than any two you've ever coached in your life. Just so you know.

@mattkoonmusic Good luck buddy. I'm going under the knife tomorrow too. With you in spirit.

Miss having Sunday morning champagne with the LouisianaMarathon stragglers. See you runners next year!

Navalny has the hugest balls ever https://t.co/E9DxHu0Yde

If I had money to piss away, I'd be rocking one of these.

https://t.co/siI0AoSGZc

Except for the part where every night, you drop to your knees and thank the good lord that you don't have to travel with Verne and Gary any more. https://t.co/J5xt6Y1ego

RT @OrchidBertelsen: I need this to be a whole ass song and I know it’s been shared but I’ve watched it at least 50x https://t.co/3NkpGKWYz3

Not even the white ones? https://t.co/IKBSnVlFFi

I'm intrigued to find out there's such a thing as Poetry Therapy.

https://t.co/ZfW5i4PbEC

This is an awesome thread, and we don't even get to trying to buy Greenland, the border alligator death moat, or replacing our aircraft carriers with coal-powered ones. https://t.co/owsa7IjOLJ

Fuck that guy. We knew trump was an unhinged racist the second his campaign kicked off. Roll with pigs, get muddy. https://t.co/dSc40beyrA

I’ve seen about 100 reactions to @CoreyRForrester ‘s attic rage-out, but this one’s my favorite. https://t.co/31QX4NdKLE

The Maga idiots accusing each other of being secret Antifa is reminding me of the Charlie Daniels song where the hippie gets a flat tire in a redneck Mississippi town, and I’m probably the only one who knows what I’m talking about.

Remember when Trump said your wife was ugly and you dad killed JFK, and you tucked your tail between your legs and started campaigning for him? https://t.co/jtRZvMszQU

Capital Police should hire Walgreens razor blade display designer for a consult, because that shit’s locked down tight.

LOL, I read “nutsac” https://t.co/M8BP7rbukC

Bring on the King Cake!

Ted Lasso is every bit as great as advertised.

<stoner voice>. I guess Baker Mayfield really does live I the stadium. Heh heh heh https://t.co/JybnJePq2k

Ren and Stimpy better start watching film before they have to make the call. https://t.co/8MzBmceaGa