I've lost 5 lbs on this Russian trip. It's all in boogers so far, but still.

Lowlight Reel: Tonight On 60 Minutes, CBS Investigates How Kickers Pee On The Sidelines - @Deadspin http://t.co/JHciIcNY

RT @espn_macmahon: Bobby Petrino, who once quit on a team in midseason, thinks Les Miles showed poor sportsmanship by running up the sco ...

It's amazing how often Christmas gets close to being canceled. And how often Santa lets animators in to capture his foibles for posterity.

RT @TheGambit: Thanks to the magic of tape delay, we already have the @610Stompers #macysparade performance on @TheGambit site: http:/ ...

.@610Stompers were awesome in the #MacysParade this morning. Louisiana proud!

What makes this hokey shit tolerable on Thanksgiving morning, when it would be rightly considered an atrocity any other time? #MacysParade

Marry a Natchitoches girl, and sooner or later, you'll find yourself drinking whiskey and listening to Willie and Walen on a Wednesday.

RT @hectocotyli: Octopus emerges from ocean, deposits dead crab on shore, walks back into water. HUMANITY HAS BEEN WARNED http://t.co/Hl ...

Frogs, bears, and pigs can talk. Penguins and chickens can't. http://t.co/9fz4pnDR

I am @JimmyGraham 's 24th twitter follower. Hope he's amusing.

Fred really should have kept an emergency gas can in the back of the Mystery Machine.

The price of an ipad is worth it for @HBOGo alone.

I can't write today's date without my mind trying to convert the binary to hexadecimal.

You know, @ChikFilA, there's a chance that some gay people eat chicken too. http://t.co/jBNYkBM2

RT @pjwaldron: So what do actual sluts wear on Halloween?

RT @pourmecoffee: Just hearing about Bay area quake; assume it was God calling bullshit on two high draft picks for Carson Palmer.

via @TheOnion - Historical Archives: Ben Franklin Inventions This Week http://t.co/J72wRYpw

Hahahaha RT @TylerDrew Will give Al Davis this... he's the first to realize that Lane Kiffin is an incredible douche.

Plain oatmeal: how can something good for you taste so damn bad?

Anyone have a screen cap of the W Virginia fan with the realistic dead coon on his head from last night's broadcast?

To be perfectly honest, I would have thought REM had broken up 10 years ago.

I'm thinking of adding The The to my music library, just to see how iTunes alphabetizes it.

I'm not sure that the producers of this show have ever actually been on a boat. http://t.co/mYkACiw

RT @bazecraze: If you vote against Obama because he can't get stuff done, it's kinda like saying, "this guy can't cure cancer. I'm gonna ...

I thing Jaworski's awkward apology last night made viewers more uncomfortable than when he said "shit" in the first place.

What makes my Facebook peeps think I'd be interested in an event rehashing 9/11? Giants/Redskins game is the only one I'm interested in.

Training wheels? One would think that kid would pop out and start climbing alps. RT @ghincapie New biker in fam. http://t.co/Ju8DCv3

Hurricane Irene blows boat away: (Reuters com) http://t.co/2k9J4rO via @youtube

What a comedic hero. Hurricane-partier pulls a great junk shot on the weather channel. http://t.co/oz84G35

The northeast sure can make a big deal over a nothing earthquake and a nothing hurricane. Are you with me California?

RT @BPGlobalPR: BP never used false numbers to downplay the severity of the spill. Also, it happened like 100 years ago, get over it. ht ...

Wish I had the time, money, and forethought to do this. http://t.co/uxL5hMO

Isnt the ocean big enough to not have to race in shipping lanes? RT @sailmagazine http://t.co/w3EgOeN

I demand an immediate moratorium on white girls in Alabama trying to sing/rap. http://t.co/3xZSJOI

RT @pjwaldron: I think Tiger Woods has reached the point where the only thing that's going to help him is a training montage.

Previous tweet is plagerized, but only from an earlier, funnier version of myself. http://t.co/vODkeGQ

I've got a cold hard $1 for the first who posts, “Great photo. You can’t even tell that the baby’s retarded.” on a friend's facebook pic.

Fining hillbillies for truck nuts is even funnier than truck nuts themselves. http://j.mp/n5AcD0

*winehouse (f'ing auto correct should take it easy on me, given that I'm on death's door)

Wu enlist died from alcohol WITHDRAWL? Ho. Ly. Shit. See you at my funeral next week. #vacation

No Hard Knocks this year. August is officially ruined.

CDC reports that " douchebag hat" outbreak in#Nola expected to end as #totc winds down.

Zig zag: strategy for when snipers and alligators are around.

RT @DamnedCocktails: Hot damn, I'm so jealous of all the #totc tweeting that's going on from NOLA...

Would Your Dog Eat Your Dead Body? http://slate.me/qUZHwx. Blossom might just eat me in my sleep.

Thank God for NOLA. (I'll never visit Utah.) #totc http://nyti.ms/oaGyvX

Why do small business owners insist on putting their creepy little kids in their local ads?

Just found out that Mansur's ran a 2-3 week special on the Schultz cocktail, named for and dreamed up by @hs00.

That needs to be amazing! http://t.co/TCJ8UAP

My dentist is Coop from Nurse Jackie.

Uh oh, Tiger fans. Was hoping Lyles stink would stick to Oregon and leave us under the radar. http://j.mp/puTVMN

@matt_valdez looks like the apostrophe in the name is causing the problem @MyTechPurse

Nothing like a trip to the Norrheast to make you realize how beautiful your own family is.

Why do places serve you meat, vegetables, and cheese enough for 8 fajitas with 3 tortillas?

Ha ha ha. @hs00 got RT'd by @pimentocheese. Where y'at @watermelon and @friedchicken?

Who noticed that this week's Treme highlighted the same three parades that I did from Mardi Gras? http://theskinnyonbenny.com/pgHome.php

Sports riots in Vancouver are like co-op farms in South Central LA.

The weird sore in my mouth is healing up nicely. I guess it's not cancer. Need to go buy a good cigar to celebrate.

V and @hs00 eat egg noodles topped with fried eggs for breakfast today. Gross. Yuck.

I’ll Wear Shorts If I Goddamn Want To - @Deadspin http://t.co/DVXbZ5n

RT @pourmecoffee: World's most embarrassing dad waves kid goodbye on bus every morning dressed in different costume. http://bit.ly/jpgkir

Li Na just became the first major tennis champion to have 2 periodic chat abbreviations as names. #didntlookitupbutprettysureimright

Restroom at NO Mariott NO is so dirty, I thought I might piss on the floor to freshen it up a bit.

Things I didn't need to know #17401: Les Miles shaves his chest hair. RT @SPORTSbyBROOKS http://bit.ly/jEzrJ4

That's one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. RT @Slate: Check out this toothpick mega-sculpture. PHOTOS: http://bit.ly/gFknHT

"Wind beneath my wings" is a stupid metaphor. It's the wind passing more quickly over the top of the wing that creates lift.

RT @badbanana: Slow down, Billy Joel and Peter Gabriel. This isn't a race to morph into Burl Ives.

Nothing screams "Lame party" like a loud rendition of "play that funky music white boys.". I'm looking your way La Caretta.

Augie Gurido mad is as funny as Mel Gibson. Skip to 2:00 in if you're in a hurry. http://j.mp/kEcZ0J

Aren't bagpipes capable of tunes other than Amazing Grace?

RT @jdickerson: Trump says that he's proud that by getting the birth question cleared up he freed the president to go ahead with the Osa ...

Would love to see the president step out of the whitehouse in a robe and yell, "Would you all shut the fuck up! These girls have school!"

RT @pwire: I guess Obama did have better things to do last week than talk about his birth certificate

RT @hs00: @bens4lsu is making smothered chicken and from scratch from scratch blueberry cobbler for lunch, accompanied by market fresh # ...

RT @hs00: Strawberry gin fizz. It's what's for breakfast. http://twitpic.com/4rzvl3

RT @hs00: Having awakened at 4 am and kept 3 5 year olds all day, I am too tired to pound ice for my evening #julep. Pathetic #priorities.

I have really good ideas in the shower. I might even be considered bright if I washed myself more than once a week.

It's a business VERY casual day for your boy here. (That means I'm not wearing underpants today.)

I hope Kate Middleton isn't too nervous about losing her virginity tonight.

Gonna be tired after live blogging the draft 'till midnight, then getting up at 3:30 to live blog the royal wedding. #notreally

Glad I'm a parent in the 2000s. Much easier to mop puke off of wood floors than to scrub it out of shag carpet.

Makin' fun of my boy. RT @TheOnion: Shaq Sits On Celtics Bench Enjoying Garbage Bag Filled With Popcorn http://onion.com/gD15sY

If your words with friends name is "Tardbasher," you're crazy to think a stranger wants an invite from you. (Especially Benny)

This preview for the HBO app gave me a little bit of an erection. http://t.co/yPflj4H

I seem to have an unspoken agreement with the coffee shop staff. I get to use the same 1/2 off coupon over and over, and they get tipped.

RT @hs00: shaker, muddler, syrup vessel. #cocktails in 318. http://twitpic.com/4lqro7

I'm STILL worried about a spider crawling into my shoe because of the Brady Bunch tiki doll episodes.

What's the point of having a camera in the car when you pass a weeniemobile and don't take a pic?

Why do people think that their cigarette butts aren't litter? The roadsides at busy stoplights here are disgusting.

RT @pourmecoffee: Girl can't close mouth after yawning in most boring class ever. http://bit.ly/hVLglR

LSU women's basketball is on my radar for the first time in a long time. @nikkicaldwell looks like a great hire. #geaux

http://yfrog.com/gze78rfj

If you're sitting by yourself eating Chinese food from styrofoam an tweeting for lack of company, you're probably a loser.

If you have the date circled for the royal wedding and you're not invited, you're probably a loser.

If your key ring boasts 200 plastic tags with bar codes, you're probably a loser.

But I meant "You smell like my grandmother" as a compliment.

Cajun friends: there's a fresh, dead coon in the middle of Acadian Thrwy, just screaming "barbecue me!"

How much would someone have to pay you to walk barefoot through the reptile hose at Bronx Zoo? Medic/antivenin on standby.

Russians are wierd. http://j.mp/icvMit

Was hoping to see that @hs00 tweeted a delicious drink to look forward to at the end of a long day of meetings.

A theskinnyonbenny workplace classic: http://theskinnyonbenny.com/blog2/archives/132

Applebees: "chicken with the flavors of Bourbon St." Sickeningly sweet cheap booze and urine flavored chicken? Yuck.

Abilify runs anti-depressant ads during CNN coverage of Japan. Good timing or quick ad placement?

Tressel's 250,000 fine is 6 times Woody Hayes's salary. (via @ivan_maisel CFB podcast)

RT @quarrygirl: stop abusing animals in your stupid circus. RT @RinglingTweets: If Ringling Bros. could grant one wish for you, what wou ...

Arresting a rapper for possession of marijuana is like arresting a bird for possession of feathers. http://j.mp/gvGISB

Things I wouldn't teach a daughter: "Stripping" means dancing while you take off your clothes, and it's a fun way to start bath time.

Someone just read an online TV magazine. My email just blew up with confirmations from TIVO for requests to record various shows.

Just picked my nose on ustream. Who was watching? (live at http://ustre.am/1bMP)

@TylerDrew I've stopped holding my breath for the AD movie. I won't let them continue to crush my soul!

Ha, so true. RT @erockappel: How come Englishman and Frenchman sound okay, but Chinaman sounds super racist?

For some reason, my son thinks I work at Zippy's on Perkins Rd.

Something like this will eventually happen to me. RT @MyTechPurse what happens when youour work and personal twitter http://chzb.gr/gQUWLd

Gross (but amazing). RT @Pictory: Pictory of the day: Oil washing up on the shores of the Gulf. http://tumblr.com/x1a1j50o8m

IPod should have an option to play backwards, so I can hear all the subliminal messages in my 80s rock.

Bright one! RT @sportsbybrooks Auburn football player Tweets: "who is good at writing papers???????????? i pay..." http://bit.ly/eHbV9x

Daydreaming of adventures of Long Dong Silver. NYTimes: Thomas Keeps 5-Year Silence http://nyti.ms/ikpDrj

. @HS00 will be proud if her son can mix a Ramos Gin Fizz by the time he turns six, and if he goes through life without texting a junk shot.

If you don't know Mojo Nixon, then your store could use some fixin'

Surprisingly entertaining read. RT @Slate Baseball Prospectus identifies the exact Cubs game Ferris Bueller attended. http://bit.ly/eie4Ru

I wonder if Fergie and Will.i.am get mad when they have to split their checks evenly with the other two donks.

Most wrong tweet in Twitter history. RT @JesusMChrist: ...yes, I have tried masturbating with the holes in my hands...

Rotate Mia, NO, SD only. RT @GenoEspn: ...If you don't have an infrastructure that's prepared for such things...don't have a Super Bowl.

Why was I running at a crappy indoor track today? I turn 40 this year, and I can't go through life old AND fat. Just one or the other.

Twitter is much busier while storm systems blow through the country? Why? We can't all be landscapers.

RT @pjwaldron: Disappointed already. Looks like Obama rejected my advice to enter the chamber shadow-boxing to ˝Living in America.˝ #SOTU

RT @Slate: Amazing Amazon customer reviews for the Snooki book: http://amzn.to/ibx8TX

At this very moment, I would rather find a 5 Hour Energy then a 20 dollar bill while digging through my bag. (I'm out of luck on both.)

Just read in #si that Rafa Nedal flies coach. Would have been less shocking to read that he has both a penis and a vagina.

This is fun to watch. RT @Slate Michelle Obama is greeting tourists at the White House. WATCH: http://www.whitehouse.gov/live

Casting Stephen Tyler as the horny judge will prove to be either the most brilliant or most creepy call of the Spring TV season.

If you're a real man, you'll turn off American Idol and get deep into basketball season. Go ahead. Do it. I'll let you know who sang well.

So you meant to tell me that Auburn fans are fat and ugly? SHOCKED! I am shocked, I tell you! http://tinyurl.com/4c6vxnk

They really did Temple Grandin a favor by casting Claire Danes.

@Mrphotogenic MD fans might be interested in this pretty fair column about Crowton from Baton Rouge. http://tinyurl.com/62c47fz

There's a lot of good new music on this album. http://tinyurl.com/68cqmsq

Les Miles misses flight to Michigan. Confirms that he again forgot to pay attention to the clock.

RT @pourmecoffee: Heath Shuler to start carrying a gun http://bit.ly/gYoGD1 Scary considering his career completion percentage under 50%.

Is VF Daily always so funny? If so, it might have to be one of my regular reads. http://tinyurl.com/24sslwc

My jacket smells like a dog's ass. Literally. Thought you would want to know.

@jasonmulgrew. Ok. You win. I bought the book. You can start blogging again.

Any time something odd is trending, you check it out and there's a dummy who posted, "I can't believe _ is trending."

RT @BettyFckinWhite: Mila Kunis broke up with Macaulay Culkin? Are they really broken up? Maybe Mila just went on vacation & forgot him. ...