I figured that with the end of the world and all, yesterday was the day to run naked through the office. #todaymightbeawkward

If your favorite restaurant doesn't have the second half of this sign, you're eating pubes. http://t.co/B02Rrbi5

Can't believe iTunes Store doesn't have Fat Boys "My Nutz." How am I supposed to introduce a 6-year of to genialia-related 80s classics?

Yeah, @BobbyJindal, but dinosaurs overused birth control in the days they walked with Jesus and Soloman, and look where that got them.

I bet all the 93 year olds are mad that The Christmas Song has stopped offering them this simple phrase.

You never see whoop-ass sold by the can any more.

That wasn't just a bowel movement. That was the whole bowel symphony!

How did "a brick shithouse" become the go-to simile for something solidly built?

How did I pick up a follow from @lacarettads, but not from the LaCaretta 2 blocks from my house?

RT @darrenrovell: UPS sponsors Notre Dame, but Fighting Irish fans are told on website they will get their BCS tickets via FedEx.

If you can sing all of the Gangnam Style lyrics, University of Phoenix will let you claim a minor in Korean.

Cool, I hate to admit. @TylerDrew MT @tracywolfson: A towel in the shape of an elephant in my room http://t.co/uEeeTlAS

My fat doppleganger. http://t.co/cC0TpO12

If you're tweet starts with "ICYMI", I'm already reading the next one down the list before I get to the M.

With the most populous corridor of the country home from work & without power, I'm expecting a lightning-fast internet today. Thanks #sandy!

If you really want to know what a natural disaster looks like, you should've been there to take a gander at my morning poo. #sandy

If you buy a boat to cruise the BVIs, you can steal this boat name: Anagada Di Vida

RT @KeithSperaTP: Watching #Saints game at portable Bud Light bar at #VoodooFest while listening to Jack White. That makes him world's b ...

RT @GulfSails: Well that was fast. "@PRCNO: N.O. facilities to get repairs - FEMA grants millions for marina damaged in hurricane http:/ ...

Was excited to see that the @Saints lead in total defense, until I realized that I was holding the list upside down. (MT @moneymetalcakes)

Air Canada Pilots, Passengers Spot Sailor Stranded at Sea - cool link back @Gunnja http://t.co/z6DLbXgq

What he meant was " whole grinders full of women." He eats them on bread.

Whole binders full of women? I thought I was the only one collecting WNBA cards!

I'm laying in the dark, listening to music with a baby, reading a feed full of "Whole binders full of women." Interesting #debate going on?

Donut store full of dads with kids so moms in BR can get some post-football sleep.

If you write me in for president and I win, I'll immediately request a hefty tax on all political tweets and FB statuses

Partysaurus Rex! http://t.co/fVUYYSkM

True. Not schtick. RT @JohnTheBastard: Today I learned that walking around naked in front of kittens is not safe if you’re a dude.

My favorite hour of the week is the one where I listen to @Ivan_Maisel and @GenoEspn harass each other on ESPN's college football podcast.

Probable that I'm more likely to die from breathing the city's mosquito spray than from the West Nile that said spray exterminates?

RT @JennyJohnsonHi5: Ugh. I made a grammatical error in a tweet. Now I have to murder a Puerto Rican hooker. Rules are rules :(

@Gunnja lifting the glass for you, just for being an interactive friend in twitter. Cheers.

Fuck. I just sent @drewbrees a disrespectful tweet. This must be what Baptists feel when they screw before marriage. #guilty

Like nobody else, I can carry a baby outside, with my pinkie holding up my shorts by the beltloop, and my other hand holding a cocktail.

RT @DanHellie: Eating dinner in New Orleans and this is hanging on wall of restaurant #commish http://t.co/9wIpquBN

The telemarketer I talked to today gave a better speech than Joe Biden. Literally.

Has to be @drewbrees behind this, right? RT @RVacchianoNYDN: plane circling the Meadowlands pulling a banner that reads "FREE SEAN PAYTON"

No such thing as too much topless Vladimir Putin. RT @nytimes: Putin Flying With Migratory Birds http://t.co/wRwi5K7m

God, political conventions make even my first-rate twitter feed into a snooze fest.

Last week's wrong-way punt return is butt funny. http://t.co/5CrVpUbr

Isn't there room on my card's magnetic strip to code whether it's credit or debit? Just one bit saves every cashier hours/week.

If a woman doesn't like anal sex, she can actually grow teeth from her butt cheeks. #toddaikenbiology

Fascinating long read on a cheater. Wish they had figured out how. http://t.co/Vqk2YCi6

Long read, but great story on the workings of drug cartels. http://t.co/gVo8oxqk

They've got Pay at the Pump figured out. Let's get to work on Pee at the Pump.

Poor @hs00 is drunk, but she can't make calls and run her mouth, 'cause it's huricaning outside and #att sucks too much to work indoors.

RT @reedtimmerTVN: Wild hogs trapped in the parking garage with us from this storm surge S of Waveland, MS. http://t.co/hh6otsdE #isaa ...

.@wafb just tweeted that most of the power outages in Tangipahoa Parish are where most of the people live. Brilliant journalism. #isaac

I can't believe it's never crossed my mind to have sex with a donut before. I love them, and we match up anatomically.

RT @ReillyRick: Alvin Dark once said, "They'll put a man on the moon B4 Gaylord Perry hits a HR." 3 minutes after Neill Armstrong walked ...

During cartoons I turn on the closed captioning, then congratulate myself for reading to my kids.

Whereas yours offer a guy who reads a teleprompter like a slow 3rd grader. RT @BobbyJindal: Obama's gaffes offer a peek of his real philo...

Awesome! MT @frankiii: My lightning shot of the BR skyline made Matador's list of top lightning shots. http://t.co/DmxrRZ5K

All morning I thought my phone was cooked. It wouldn't come on, no matter how long I left it plugged in. It wasn't dead - just powered off.

Made it through the day without seeing naked pics of Prince Harry. (But tell me, does he have a big dong?)

It's a good thing that I never tried heroin, because I don't have the willpower to not eat a cookie. http://t.co/Ng5n1ga5

Wish I hadn't just thrown my used band aid into my finished drink cup. Now I want to eat the ice but can't.

Way to keep it a secret that you can turn off rape pregnancies. Also that you can shoot lightning from your tits to stop upskirt photos.

RT @aaronpk: I thought I was going to stop using Twitter because of their ToS changes. Turns out it's because of this: http://t.co/PtaZ8p1t

If you think an orgasm is better than the peach cobbler I made tonight, then you're just straight up wrong.

Every time one of my facebook friends likes @MittRomney's page, Jesus gives a cute little kid the Chicken Pox. #consequences

"After downing 70 chicken wings in about an hour, Andrew Walen realized he had a problem.". Not after 50? http://t.co/kbG6w0IN

RT @jdickerson: Same here! Kid just flicks ashes on the floor. MT @jpodhoretz: True story & sign of the times--my 8 y.o. has no idea ...

Were you up there exorcising demons, or just denying science? RT @BobbyJindal: Great crowds for Romney-Ryan rallies in Marshalltown & Cedar.

Watching Coach Boring cut Chad Johnson on Hard Knocks is t he most riveting, uncomfortable, real TV I've ever seen.

Dead. Closeted massage pervert. And dead. Bad year for sweathogs.

For some reason, the phrase "long dong silver" just popped into my head. Thanks for the chuckle, Clarence Thomas.

Kid at next table has on camo pattern crocs & socks. Just because your kid can't be as cute as mine is no reason to give up. Try a little.

If you'd say "have a nice weekend" to a customer at Lowe's on Saturday, you're already too late.

Now I look like a damned fool in that honey badger dye job I got yesterday.

RT @VDOOZER: Somewhere, 24 hrs a day, a Russian gymnast is crying.

I don't know what happened on your tv tonight, but on mine, @lolojones took the gold. #geauxtigers

Shit. DVR isn't set. #hurryupandsleepbabyk RT @EBJunkies: 6 minutes from #HardKnocks

RT @MittRomney I'm excited to announce my running mate on the GOP Presidential ticket: the Mars Rover Curiosity. Romney/Curiosity 2012!

Do real women walk around the house in robes with green shit all over their face, or is that just a tv thing?

What happened to Pussy Riot today is absolute bullshit. I do care, but I probably wouldn't post but for the chance to type "Pussy Riot."

Why stop at turducken? Where's the brave Cajun who will stuff a turducken into a goat into a pig into a cow?

Can we agree that all future summer Olympics be held where it's warm enough to shed the tights during beach volleyball?

RT @NOTSportsCenter: Ryan Lochte could cure cancer during a race & NBC would air it 6 hours later with the cure portion removed for ...

If this rain would stop, I'd walk down to the Royal Sonesta to meet Isaac from The Love Boat. #totc

RT @wwozneworleans: Amazing RT @alisonfnola: #RIPShermanHelmsley with zydeco Jeffersons theme, via Keith Frank. http://t.co/WI9zWww8

Do you live in a church county, or a beer county? http://t.co/a0uwZbdv

Is there anyone with tattoo knuckles who by now DOESN'T want to kill themselves when they see their hands?

Grambling and Florida State fans enjoying a guilty pleasure, now that their coaches are back atop the record books.

Can someone get @JennyJohnsonHi5 to properly lambast @celebboutique before their apology starts seeming sincere?

Chase Daniel: "Whew! Thought I was gonna have to find my copy of the play book for a minute." #whodat

RT @Slate: Awesomest thing on the web this week (stay for the final, italicized footnote): http://t.co/uyjHIwRV #physics #baseball

RT @BScalabrine24: Instead of taking down Joe #Paterno's statue #PennState should just turn it so he's looking the other way

Whoever is drinking from the bottle with lowest proof is in charge of the baby.

How many millions of Americans are right now furiously deleting last night's drunk tweets?

I worry that the cleaning lady counts my underwear and wonders if I go cowboy, or if I just don't change them every day.

Life's Rich Pageant: Webb Simpson Wins U.S. Open, Has Trophy Ceremony Invaded By Squawking British Man - @Deadspin http://t.co/8HoX1oSU

I wore my favorite old yellow swimsuit for 30 straight hours this weekend. #iwishiwasjoking

I have no idea why the eff my parents have this notepad. I wish I were kidding. http://t.co/TEzezHhY

New AP Style Manual says no to "jorts.". Fashion writers in Gainsville scream in dispair.

RT @NewOrleansSail: Sunset Sailing on the Southshore http://t.co/WHxXO4HV

We should see some great horses @fairgroundsnola next season. New derby qualifying rules do us right!

Camera backs off to Adam Wickman peering into snow globe. Reveals that he imagined the whole series. #MadMenFinalePredictions

Everyone realizes that little Gene has been missing for 8 months. #MadMenFinalePredictions

RT @johnfreiler: wtf? RT @EgglandsBest Go ahead, buy those A&P brand eggs. They're as dried out as the ones in your sad, useless ova ...

RT @NewOrleansSail: Another beautiful sunset on Lake Pontchartrain. http://t.co/1H6JT7WX

RT @Dave_Matter: Favorite scene of the day: Les Miles high fives Steve Spurrier in the hallway, shouts, "Hey, Coach, I should have worn ...

Lottery balls on my mind. Even though I'm an LSU fan, that's different from testicles on my face.

Tv theme singer on America's Got Talent just got me to check to see if The Love Boat is on streaming Netflix. (It isn't.)

RT @pjwaldron: Dear people who say ˝supposably˝: you are probably thinking of ˝opposable.˝ As in thumbs. Which you may not be evolved en ...

RT @JennyJohnsonHi5: I have a difficult time investing in Facebook, mainly because it's the place where people I went to high school wit ...

One day, my kids might find an old lady in scrubs, driving around on a four wheeler, as funny as I do. Right now, it's totally normal.

Laughing too hard to breathe. @realgilbert reads #50ShadesofGrey. http://t.co/vH7tenL0

@MySurveyExpert Not sure if we should make fun of this guy, or offer him a job. http://t.co/WiAamqhU

@DavidWondrich Just make the #totc cocktail winner. Very nice. Think I'll make another.

Great writing... http://t.co/bNWxBymj #Kindle

I forgive Mitt's youthful bullying, as long as we also agree that all of the stupid shit I did in college doesn't count any more either.

I bet it's a huge slap in the face when you add to Wikipedia, and someone comes behind you and adds a "citation needed" superscript.

@EBJunkies streaming on ipad from baton rouge http://t.co/E3s07nAw

"every man's castle should have a queen with huge tits." hilarious. RT @JennyJohnsonHi5: In case you missed... http://t.co/BC1Ql1QS

Holy shit, I picked up a follow from @joehorn87! Quick, I need a one-liner about BBQ sauce!

Regardless of whether "irregardless" is a word, they're using the shit out of it in this meeting I'm in.

Morris Claiborne: First player drafted with as many kids as Wonderlic points. #geauxtigers

If a celeb RTs you just because you tweeted "how about a RT from ," it doesn't count. (And you need to get a life.) (for @bwing38 fans)

Isn't it great? RT @gunnja LOVED the 'single girl again" video!!! loved loved loved it (@thedirtdaubers http://t.co/CGBUJyif)

RT @JennyJohnsonHi5: You can't blow a hologram :( RT @KimKardashian: Just now seeing this Tupac hologram at Coachella!!! Wish I was ther ...

What are the rules for capitalizing in titles? I was never taught this stuff. http://t.co/sIUGgAHy

I love school zones. They give me a chance to slow down and send texts.

Sean Payton should definitely do Dancing With The Stars in the fall. @Official_Saints, how do we make that happen?

In a city where most public schools aren't fit to educate the children, Baton Rouge rallies around...wait for it...food trucks.

RT @NewOrleansSail: 10 on the trap. Cool!! Tacking!!! http://t.co/3gCtwEJK

@NewOrleansSail better change your twitter pw. Got a dm an hour ago that's a link to a phishing site.

On the phone with @humana for 30 minutes. Gave date and reference number on the letter they sent me, but they are clueless.

Can we let this be the impetus to universal agreement that The Fray sucks? http://t.co/PlcrnIxw

RT @JohnTheBastard: The most frequently occurring plot hole in film and television is the one where some dude is attracted to Sarah Jess ...

I wonder how they got home. RT @cstephens1129 the SLI bus getting towed mid-game last night http://t.co/DiNsgEWF

RT @EricIGN: As "Zou Bisou Bisou" madness sweeps the nation, you can now buy Jessica Pare's Mad Men version http://t.co/oULMxmMy #madmen ...

Holy shit. Drop what you're doing and watch now. RT @jdickerson: This is some extraordinary acoustic guitar playing. http://t.co/Jzpadr8p

"I'm no Vanderbilt, but this train makes hay." http://t.co/36Wus3bS

Crap, today was Super Tuesday? Thought it was next week. Had my cape dry cleaned for nothing.

Man, that president obama is a nerd. http://t.co/XRs8kHhl

I think I'll start a radio show where ALL I do is pick random people from obscure news stories and call them sluts.

Shoutout to you Shelly! RT @pourmecoffee If you know any sluts, call and just let them know you are thinking of them. It's been a tough week

Rush thinks women who need birth control are sluts? Sounds like somebody hasn't gotten laid in a long, long time.

Spent Mardi Gras in Mamu. Cajun Name That Tune is the hardest game ever.

@vdoozer strong kcrw interview. I've never watched 1 second of CougarTown, but I'll check it out.

Well, this explains my overwhelming murderous rages this week. Thanks Madonna! http://t.co/W07EETyA

A must-watch: RT @slateviral: Scottish guy tries to order a sandwich through iPhone's Siri, hilarity ensues. http://t.co/ryJh87vx

The #MASHEDPOTATO! thing in golf really makes me laugh. Not sure why. http://t.co/bnOLg4NR

"I don't have the hallucinations or delusions that a lot of people have." #InfoYouDon'tWantToShareWithTheWholeCoffeeShop

Wit and talent demonstrated without a word. http://t.co/CSgSpCyI

data mart #LingoThatPutsMeOnTilt

RT @pourmecoffee: Happy Birthday to A.A. Milne, author of Winnie the Pooh or first man to walk on Saturn. Can't check Wikipedia to find ...

I weigh 750lbs, and my parents are cousins too! RT @thejimmygraham Bama fans keep screaming out "roll tide" to me! What does that mean?

I guess the reason God called Michele Bachmann to run is to prevent whatever crazy shit she would have otherwise been doing.

RT @kbabin76: Spread the word: buddy's sports talk launches thurs Jan 5th from 1-3pm on 1590AM KKAY thx for ur support!!