RT @BonaguraESPN: In 2015, Michigan plays UNLV, which recently hired its new coach from a high school.

Well, at least I don't have to get up at 5:00AM on Thursdays any more to listen as soon as possible. #Serial

Overheard in the office today: "I can't meet my deadline on fuckin' cookies." #MostWonderfulTimeOfTheYear

Time to read @deadspin! http://t.co/b7IBgvzxwY

If I told you I was going to a pussy circus in New Orleans next weekend, you definitely wouldn't be picturing this. http://t.co/Q8oZAgz7a0

I thought I was a superhero. Then I realized that the guy I was comparing myself to was just a pussy.

I wanna girl with a short skirt and a loooooooong jacket. http://t.co/ztYdN7Of9c

Stop buying heaters and fireplaces, @hs00. Last winter's ferocity was engineered by @DisneyPictures, as a big #Frozen promotion.

Is it only Georgia fans calling their boners "Nick Chubb," or are we all doing that now?

Has everyone scrubbed their feeds to remove supposed Bill Cosby rants against young black guys who wear their pants too baggy?

Barbie F*cks It Up Again http://t.co/eqGISHqcAw via @instapaper

I have it on good authority that the Hardee's in Bogalusa has bologna and Velveeta sandwiches. (No follow up joke required.)

Enjoyed everything about my weekend except the LSU game, the Saints game, and eating buffalo wings with chapped lips.

If you give me a thumb drive to copy something onto it for you, there's a 100% chance that I'm nosing through your pictures.

RT @Tromboneshorty: VIDEO: Shorty jams with @foofighters at @VoodooNola on "This is a Call". Watch: http://t.co/IuN7iQ2pYy

Super cool true heist story! via @Instapaper -- The Untold Story of the World's Biggest Diamond Heist http://t.co/hVdFYlk5Bf

So many of my peeps could have written this (if they had the ability to write humorously) http://t.co/pqTXeYiuYv @drewmagary

I bet that somewhere on the web, there's a page of pornographic fan fiction about June Cleaver.

Finding a Video Poker Bug Made These Guys Rich—Then Vegas Made Them Pay http://t.co/fujaAPG1xL

RT @darrenrovell: Great press conference banner fail (H/T @zeitlereardoc) http://t.co/gUJ707hUcU

Holy Cetacea! Ocras Hunt Down and Eat Tiger Shark http://t.co/s7gKKt10HR

Wanting to #FireSimmons for calling @nflcommish a liar is like wanting to fire Tina Fey for insinuating that @SarahPalinUSA talks funny.

iPhone camera evolution: How does the iPhone 6 camera compare to previous iPhone cameras? ~ snap snap snap http://t.co/CCc2tjxczr

Just WATCHING a climb to the top of a 58 meter mast puts my balls up in my throat. http://t.co/Oli3qN0n3g

Little cooler out today. Is everyone ready for Facebook's "please pray for my kid's snotty nose" season?

RT @JacobHester22: Guy had the nerve to ask me, "still wearing purple today?" Yeah pal, I'll wear it if LSU is 13-0 or 0-13. Still a lot of…

@Ivan_Maisel -- 3 Down: Louisiana FBS schools. LSU, La Tech, and Tulane all with embarrassing losses today.

RT @darrenrovell: Bacon Caesar Salad with edible Bacon Weave Bowl @BarBrutusMTL http://t.co/AXaU8JnFdJ

RT @EliBraden: All the black guys at my gym do a funny prank where they wear these impossibly-huge fake dicks when they walk around the loc…

Hell yeah! http://t.co/t0bS7KstaK

"Happiness is this video of a dog running towards the sea" http://t.co/1FwVqwVA1q

Seeing lots of tips on deleting nude pics from the cloud. Where's the guide for getting your wife to let you take them in the first place?

Biggest bath toy ever. If only they’d bring me a two-story magazine to read while I soak. http://t.co/bLkijQ3YvF

The man in the yellow hat is the shittiest pet owner in the history of literature.

RT @The_Gambit: Ms. Lauryn Hill has been added to the @VoodooNola lineup: http://t.co/MTXPVmY7pf

Kiravan: coolest ride ever. (Hoping they see this tweet and send me a demo.) http://t.co/ksBL6aTBAT

RT @weinerdog4life: For Sale: mean cat, covered in paint, might be a horny skunk

The most unrealistic thing in Toy Story isn't toys that come to life. It's a grabber game that is actually able to grasp a prize.

.@evernote is my occasional notes fling, who is going around telling everyone that we're engaged.

Bubonic plague is all in as an @LSUfball fan! http://t.co/gj9CQp4won

As far as I'm concerned, all insects and seagulls can go fuck themselves.

Spilled water all down the front of my shirt, and now I'm at work looking like a dirty Russian kid (one in particular).

Mt Rushmore of comedic actresses: @OfficialJLD, Lucille Ball, and two blanks. If you aren't watching @VeepHBO, you're missing out.

“Find iPhone” has become as integral to my morning routine as brushing my teeth.

RT @GulfSails: Moving the lighthouse. "@ValerieGarman: My fiancé is trying to get to a meeting Cape San Blas and this is in the way. http:/…

RT @Gunnja: @hs00 @bens4lsu Velvet Elvis pancakes! at #FranksKenosha http://t.co/jtZd3O1tBI

RT @burgerkrang: “that’s me in the corner.”

• r.e.m. explaining how facetime works

Nadya Labi: How a Militia Grew on a Military Base http://t.co/GjuJgGCFyc via @instapaper

RT @pourmecoffee: Scary night in America. Almost all of these awful things are happening right this minute http://t.co/c9rw2fPLZB

We're lucky that when @JManziel2 hung with @justinbieber, the universe didn't collapse into a black hole of douchebag.

Did North Korea Kidnap an American Hiker? http://t.co/TZSbAOi3df via @instapaper

Ana Montes did much harm spying for Cuba. Chances are, you haven’t heard of her. http://t.co/FPoOIEYqkm via @instapaper

I think losing air conditioning (in Texas in June) during the NBA finals is worse than losing power during the Super Bowl.

Did I ever tell you about the time I slept with Ann B Davis? (We were both very drunk. ) #AnnBDavis #RIP

Superbowl 52 was down to Minnesota and New Orleans earlier today. NFL picked Minnesota. Should be a fun January trip for big sponsors.

RT @zefrank: Imagine a monkey. Like it or not you now have an imaginary monkey.

RT @SYSKPodcast: 20 amazing GIFs that won't dumb you down (and will amaze you, as previously suggested) http://t.co/pUHeUUmYgH

The Spurious Correlations blog is king! http://t.co/XHy476UoSV

Do you think anyone has ever simultaneously sneezed, farted, and orgasmed? If so, he/she had an awesome life, right then and there.

I dare you to go to the airport and repot a suspicious package. When they ask where, raise your eyebrows and point to a stranger's crotch.

Watching triangles race to Cancun! http://t.co/9z2GAUxcTJ

RT @OhNoSheTwitnt: Whoever said "there are no stupid questions" has never read the emails I receive from coworkers in need of assistance.

Ok, I feel like a fraud. That previous tweet was about me.

Tired looking, pajama clad guy at Walgreens last night buying only pullups. 100%chance he had a naked toddler at home.

Donald Sterling's favorite rocker: Jack White. Least favorite: The Black Keys

Donald Sterling's least favorite part of school: blackboards.

That was more dub than one would expect. http://t.co/KEyVHopkgk

AD phones at Indiana and Wake Forrest must be ringing off the hook. http://t.co/m1lDrqYATH

Trying to Help in Haiti http://t.co/J5u338fsA0 via @instapaper

Tia the season for adult applications of Boudreaux's butt paste and Under Armor drawers. #FightCrotchRot

Just sat on hold for two minutes for the chance to press phone buttons into a computer answering system. Great job on that, @CapitalOne!

Good chance that I'm drunk tweeting in about 6 hours. Watch out @EdwinWEdwards!

I kid @EdwinWEdwards about his youthful wife, but at least he's not banging prostitutes. Am I right, @DavidVitter?

If I follow the example of @EdwinWEdwards, my next wife will be born in five years. #vavavavoom!

Just found out that I know someone involved with @EdwinWEdwards social media presence. This will be the best election season ever!

All right, boat friends. Tell me who's at fault in the Houston Ship Channel crash. http://t.co/YCkteyg29D

When graying pompadours come back in style, I'll be the toast of the town.

Death by Box Jellyfish http://t.co/uIvAoJaxSo via @instapaper

I expect Malaysian Air 239 to appear on top of a Vegas casino one night soon, concluding the most elaborate magic trick ever staged.

RT @outsidemagazine: No exaggeration necessary: These new snorkeling masks are truly revolutionary. http://t.co/hqtuqwdnme http://t.co/ENj7…

To me, DST doesn't start until I change the clock in my car. Congrats to me for getting to work an hour early.

The Mammoth Cometh - http://t.co/IZm1TqgD1s http://t.co/YlblGJW4Br via @instapaper

@Gunnja Great video yesterday! Thanks!

I would have let someone chop off a pinkie or the toe of their choice to go to this. http://t.co/lGz9AbaqIr

The Poorest Rich Kids in the World [via Longreads] http://t.co/GOmzKLytA6 via @instapaper

Know when you feel like a dick? When your toddler tells you to put away your phone and push him on the swing.

Workcrastinating: Doing work with low priority instead of more important work. (Not to be confused with tweeting fake words during work.)

RT @610Stompers: Watching #AustralianOpen . Gregor Dimitrov from Bulgaria has great fashion sense. http://t.co/sISqHHiZ2c

RT @Gunnja: “@scuttbutt: Where sailors put kids on 'time out'. http://t.co/hxL5tI99nV” @bens4lsu @hs00

Isn't it clear that legalizing marajuana causes your team to go to the Super Bowl? C'mon, @BobbyJindal, let's get some legislation written!

I've never watched this show -- even this ep -- but the first 20 seconds gave me a pretty good laugh. http://t.co/WE2WjaIjx2

RT @VintageOrleans: This is the most excited I've ever been about a Seahawks game in the long 5 years I've been a Seahawks fan. #12thMan