RT @danielmkim: Tell me why I should smell another goddamn suitcase if I don’t know when I’m going to paid, John. https://t.co/GJ5ki7G80s

It would be a lot easier to defend Louis CK if his bits were funny. “What’s up with these pronouns?” Is just sooo hacky.

Just got the last of the Christmas Day dishes in the dishwasher. Check the date on this tweet.

RT @Atencio: Just got in trouble at this dinner cuz I called my son “Art Garfunkel-lookin’ ass” but I mean COME ON. https://t.co/I977Vmklwn

“We won’t go until we’ve got some “ is a pretty extreme position to take on figgy pudding.

Santa never brings me any damn sausage.

RT @curlycomedy: Why is the carpet wet TODD?! —I don’t KNOW, MARGO! https://t.co/kSKaY2F2JE

From really nice Twitter 😊 https://t.co/hWGS9LytUN

Look, you can put on "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" if you want, but you sure as hell better stick around to listen to it.

RT @KevinMcCarthyTV: THIS. IS. AWESOME. https://t.co/ZNsLHo0bRm

Unless you’re rolling out tiny cock and balls... loses train of thought Gingerbread is so good, I would eat it if it were shaped into cock and balls. https://t.co/773SqWq7Bp

If you’re gonna throw ads into my feed, featuring college football highlights is a good way to go. https://t.co/91X1swmtIb

Honest to God, I just found out that there was another Triple Crown winner THIS WEEK.

Acceptable jelly: grape and strawberry. Stop it with your orange, apple, gif, and mayhaw (whatever that is).

In college, I got on one of the campus buses one day, and the female driver told me, “I wish I had been born rich instead of pretty.” I think about this about once a week.

Damn. And I thought it was monumental when Dan and Cathy Schultz stopped drinking. https://t.co/Mi0xs9HElR

I love everything about my MBP except its sucky, sucky keyboard. Would go for the fix, but I don't have a good three-day window to be without it. https://t.co/T96XrpRhr5

This is good reporting, folks. https://t.co/u5zWBBShVM

When you deal with a vendor or a colleague and you know that you're a pain in the ass, it goes a long way just to say, "Thanks. I know I'm being a pain in the ass."

Go water your Christmas tree. You know that poor bastard has been sitting there dry as a bone since Tuesday.

Wait, #Maryland chose a coach with a 3-31 record over Matt Canada? Either Locksley has naked pictures of somebody, or Canada is truly the biggest dick in football.

@mimismartypants Not gonna lie; I would have liked reading about how you tore into relatives who refused to accept your son’s identity, but glad for you all that it wasn’t necessary.

No one ever seals a promise with “stick a needle in my eye” any more.

Holy shitballs! https://t.co/yDl5iMV4Yt

@UnderDogCentral Great show at @TheVarsityBR tonight. Never heard you before, but I’ll definitely be seeing you again.

If you want one more twitter like, find a way to get a Haiku into my feed. https://t.co/2GsDiMMWkw

@soundopinions Bring back the 🦃 shoot!

Never seen an airport with more kids and dogs than Logan this morning. Kind of nice.

The Missing Parents and the Melting Glacier https://t.co/ZGn3pFJ2W0 via @instapaper

Random brunch spot in Boston spits in my face this morning. https://t.co/VPXVXmi3J5

RT @DhaSickest: Man you can’t beat the refs! Still love my tigers @LSUfootball

RT @lleger: Mostly I’m angry that the refs robbed this team of a NY6 bowl they worked for and earned.

This video is bust-a-gut funny. Also, he’s on speaker phone. What’s with the handset? https://t.co/5R4JuDV67q

Man From the South--Roald Dahl (1916-1990) https://t.co/EE6XkCplZs via @instapaper

This is me in about 4 hours. https://t.co/bGQbRGwVF2

RT @edsbs: When they ask if you want cake or pie https://t.co/CQg6Kwvs5m

Rock Chalk Jayhawk

RT @LSUfootball: RT if you're thankful @cole__tracy spent year 5 in Baton Rouge! https://t.co/oohS5bQcXN

I just realized that the last four digits of my home phone number are an anagram of the last four of my cell phone. I’ve had both numbers more than 20 years.

Whoever attacked US personnel appears to have won. My theory (a case of mass hysteria) appears to be entirely debunked. https://t.co/svd7rtvFQO

Does anyone — anyone at all — vote at a location where they feel like this would have even a 1% chance of success? https://t.co/5GUpXrlIII

Football coach hiring season is starting in earnest. Les Miles has the best win percentage of anyone your school will interview, and he did it vs Nick Saban, Urban Myer, Cam Newton's Auburn, etc. every year.

Ace of Bass's "Don't Turn Around" was originally recorded by Tina Turner. #ThingsIShouldHaveKnownButLearnedFromBojackHorseman

Wow! Your sobriety is old enough to...

Aw shit, bad joke alarm in my head. Let’s go with this: Congratulations! https://t.co/3nxsznjPXJ

I think I’m hung like a horse. https://t.co/Sv4bAt5z5U

This is a 2 year old feature in iTunes that I just found. A big help if you have Classical music in your library. https://t.co/fSD8x0eR1R

What a fucking idiot. https://t.co/CCTPVwGaz2

Cohn went on to shock people with news that “French fries are greasy,” and “Hockey players get shitty haircuts.” https://t.co/5GcEgekOz7

32 NFL teams had the conviction to take a pass on Tebow. https://t.co/2mDJiGgfIz

@C_Hanagriff If you play a 3-game parlay of all 10 combinations you can make from your casino lady’s 5 picks, you’re up 2.5 to 1. (Seems like it should be more.)

Best 5 month old thread ever. https://t.co/yIVqx057lM

This was both fun and interesting. https://t.co/2mRS06x4A4

Is there any way to get @AoDespair to call me a fuckmook on Twitter without tweeting something racist or ignorant? It would make my day, but I can’t go all #maga to make it happen.

I’m going to start saying “zed” instead of “zee” for the 26th letter.

Those of us with last name Schultz have to always be careful not to go into a conversation without knowledge, lest we remind others as a certain sitcom Seargent from the 1970s. @JFeinsteinBooks #IKnowNothing

RT @LSUfootball: That crowd was incredible tonight! 😤😤 https://t.co/3SYNNnL3t1

Hot for Teacher is the all time best Hair Metal song. Convince me I’m wrong.

On a related note, I just found out that @LeoDiCaprio isn't really dead and frozen at the bottom of the North Atlantic. Hollywood is so full of shit. https://t.co/hUi24gLBus

Listening to deeper Bowie album tracks, and it’s clear that the only thing that stopped Queen Bitch on Hunky Dory from being a major mega hit was the song’s title.

Serious #LSUFootball disrespect from one of my favorite columnists, @CFBHeather. Yes, the tigers have a tough schedule ahead, but Georgia and Alabama are at home. Win one of those two, hold serve the rest of the way, and it's playoff city. https://t.co/XhnmD832Ik

I undid my retweet of @CoachLesMiles stirring the pot with @SteveSpurrierUF Didn’t realize it was a paid performance. Still amusing, but an ad all the same.

How is it that we have a word for dying of hunger (starving), but not one for dying of thirst?

Caught my kid playing Madden this weekend, but playing AS THE FALCONS. I'm a complete failure as a parent.

RT @NFLResearch: Jared Goff and Kirk Cousins combined for the 3rd-highest passer rating (139.3) in a single game since 1970

We have to go…

He only wrote the one good song. https://t.co/HgiinbaxFY

Let's be honest. Season 2 of The Wire is boring. It can't be the best TV show ever and have that clunker in there.

RT @RadarAndStuff: So, fun fact: birds and insects show up on radar. Often. As in, pretty much every day. Can we visually delineate between…

From the "Reason" column on the middle school early checkout sheet: Ortho Ortho Ortho Ortho Sick Ortho Ortho Ortho

There's so much good music at @VoodooNola this year that I'm stressing out about which acts I might ultimately miss.

The people convincing their kids that they are invisible feels mean to me. It would be embarrassing if they did that to me. "See ya! I'm off to watch celebrities bang!"

😂😂😂

https://t.co/dbwC3m06U0

Time to shake the dust off the black and gold duds. #whodat #saints

Is it still a thing to say LSU fans smell like corndogs? That always did make me laugh. #lsu #CollegeFootball

@Ivan_Maisel, that was one of the best pieces I’ve ever read. Next time you’re in Baton Rouge, I’ll pour the beers and you tell me all about Max. Thank you.

And here I’ve been thinking that “loadstar” meabt the featured male performer in an adult film.

@CEStephens ooh, I wish I knew you were working on that valley shook post. I have a couple of brutally grusome photos of a broken ankle from an LSU tailgate a few years back. 😱🤢

To be fair, Trump thinks the Gettysburg Address is 4509 Gettysburg Lane, the address of a woman he sexually harassed in 1986. https://t.co/4sTTKYMNeo

RT @Ivan_Maisel: In the ‘80s and early ‘90s, Hoss Brock was the very colorful executive director of the Cotton Bowl. He called every man “H…

Oh shit! We forgot to paint yard lines! https://t.co/PqYMqMFLZl

Suggested Friday night movie marathon: Cannonball Run, Smokey and the Bandit, and Best Little Whorehouse. My kids would love that lineup! #BurtReynolds

RT @rebeccamakkai: As we remember #BurtReynolds, let us also remember the greatest author photo of ALL TIME https://t.co/GSdtwB8mfH

Guilty https://t.co/wGSK30Moxv

Dear Captcha, Can you please define what constitutes a “store front”? I have no idea what these fucking buildings are.

RT @corbydavidson: What in the hell is going on here.... https://t.co/RVMjMWQyc8

I should hope so. Maria Taylor is a pro. I would have been uglier about it in her place. https://t.co/E60e03XC3d

RT @BruceFeldmanCFB: Win or lose, Appalachian State is one of the things that makes college football so great. Love this sport!

That’s cool, don’t get me wrong. But how does a kid in Florida grow up dreaming of being in the UConn band?

LSU? Sure. Stanford, of course. UConn tho? https://t.co/lbxdYzkCaR

RT @BlGPeanut: Her date didn’t show up... https://t.co/wNjDt0pfnu

There are people far, far taller than Lebron James. That doesn’t mean Lebron isn’t tall. https://t.co/YRuYoXT6Oo

Trout: “Less stressful for who again?” https://t.co/DkPyb2ZKkr

RT @SoulRebels: We’ll never forget 8/29/05. We love you New Orleans. #Katrina13 #neworleans https://t.co/DqQ27RZgwt

For the love of God, @lsureveille, what's with the Ohio State practice gear? You're the LSU paper. You couldn't get a photo of him practicing at LSU? https://t.co/CPDPC3xFES

Agreed. I think “bastard” is the word you’re looking for. https://t.co/BPF3fXAdnC

RT @RexHuppke: I'm no "political strategist," but I think the GOP should consider abandoning its "We Feature the Worst People on Earth" bra…

RT @AndyKindler: Mexico has volunteered to pay for the walls that are closing in on Trump.

I wish the tooth fairy had a cousin, the booger fairy, who would scrape the undersides of tables and desks clean, and then leave a little cash in return.

I believe the style guide prefers, “My parakeet needs its anus waxed!” https://t.co/BjEcJwz0mK

New American Vandal trailer. Looks like we’ll be getting poop jokes over dick jokes this year. I prefer dick jokes, but poop jokes are a strong number 2.

Sure. Ah this point, I'd vote for the real life guy who was @JerrySeinfeld's inspiration for Kramer. https://t.co/3lR0DWXBNu

The new @RKSBandOfficial album is officially my favorite of the year so far. Just realized they are on the docket for @VoodooNola too! Couldn't be more excited to see them there.

Barney. Thanks mom, for shooting that down! https://t.co/1dlteyXEWK

When you don’t watch Better Call Saul so that you can see it with the wife, but then she watched it without you. https://t.co/uvCjdXxUrW

LSU loses a 4th string QB, and the fans think the sky is falling. The sky would be falling if the guy was taking practice reps. Good luck to the kid. https://t.co/hjCD0GQ0Je

Craving gumbo, but it’s August, and I don’t really want to sweat through three shirts today..

I don't hear "You the man" much any more. Let's get busy bringing that back!

I think I’m ready to retire from fantasy football.

“A dull pencil is still a pencil.” #ThingsISaidThatSoundLikeMetaphorButArent

If I ever use Jurassic Park technology to bring back a mastodon, I’m definitely naming it Hairy Elephante.

Yeah, you can win Louisiana without supporting racists. Well, maybe not Scalise, but the rest of you are free to be decent human beings. https://t.co/sKnL42x8m2

RT @Jason_Priestley: He does https://t.co/eNguHNlBDF

Golf is gonna be really hard. https://t.co/CVkAnOnANJ

Totally out of character but me and the mrs drank a bit and then got matching tatts in Key West today.

https://t.co/ykJu9jq2gk

Let my 6yo read this tweet.

Him: 😄

Me: you’re just laughing because I said you wouldn’t get it.

Him: no. I’m laughing because you said “Trump” and “brains.” https://t.co/Zlh6XIkSVn

RT @vicmaui: #vicmaui Race Update - The incredible Rescue of the Lucky Turtle by competitor OxoMoxo, who stoppedin the middle of the pacifi…

I’ve been in the Bahamas for six weeks, and I almost never have to fart here.

Years from now, we’ll revere the bounty of Summer 2017, when we had two prestige tv shows starting @carriecoon running simultaneously.

Can you really be in the Continental United States when you’re an island? https://t.co/b82YbxRUcN

RT @LSUbaseball: ICYMI: The nation’s leader in batting average (@Todd_Peterson3) hasn’t had an at-bat since eighth grade, but don’t worry,…

It’s fine to pee in your neighborhood pool. Happy Memorial Day weekend, everyone! https://t.co/SeQQZ6sweg

Canceling Summer plans to get off the grid in 3, 2, 1.... https://t.co/vCPsRDbjM1

RT @sirvinnyd: if you think of the word “brainstorm” you hear the word brainstorm. if you think of the words “green needle” you hear green…

Lol, @BaldMove https://t.co/fFaR40lwfp

I believe Earth is round, but Mars and Jupiter are flat. Venus is shaped like a fig, and Pluto is a giant clover.

Amazing😳 https://t.co/Ec1UXAhN8D

Whoever picks out music that plays during @noahhawley’s tv shows is better at that job than anyone else in the world.

Horrifying and interesting local history. Thanks for posting, @WendellPierce Learned a little today. https://t.co/DRHTzevqV2

RT @HelenEShaw: Boggled by how many ways this encapsulates my relationship to writing https://t.co/TBkdxUl5tX

.@Bully > FJM https://t.co/RNcMXRL1hc

I don’t think they give the #NobelPeacePrize to racists who threaten other countries and brag about the size of their nuclear arsenal.

RT @ESPNMcGee: OMG I love this thread so much. It’s like the morning after a redneck rapture. https://t.co/RnBQl6N89Z

Like, “closed to traffic”, or like “the drawbridge is closed, so traffic can pass with no problems?” That tweet has two meanings, and they’re opposites. https://t.co/Cylvs57WHD

Don't quite understand how it's 2018 and there are people who lose their saved phone numbers when they get a new phone.

RT @RogueDadMD: Just learned our 9y/o did an experiment on us. Lost tooth, told no one for 3d, kept tooth under his pillow. No $. Then h…

I thought college students were supposed to be cooler than us gen Xers. https://t.co/f5jPo42TjD

RT @ClaraJeffery: I never want to hear that women are too emotional for stressful situations (or to hold public office) again https://t.co/…

Only 9 shopping days left before Ed Balls Day!

RT @Redpeter99: Been chatting to my wife while twitter was down. She seems nice.

RT @Zac_Person: Here’s an @LSUbaseball fun fact: @ncain39 is such a devoted coach that he has learned, and practiced, how to perfectly mimi…

RT @drewmagary: This Lego set is missing a crucial piece and I can’t find it and I bet they left it out deliberately to FUCK with me and I…

RT @313doe: I feel like this video should be back on the TL https://t.co/LoL0YaxnuY

A good predictor of your generation is whether you think “California Girls” is sung by The Beach Boys, David Lee Roth, or @katyperry

Clearly. I remember how Jesus urged people to withhold healthcare from the poor. https://t.co/4sR0N5Bxxd

It ain’t no 17 minutes from Jimmy Johns to my house! https://t.co/riAKG4R9Fe

I am a feminist and I don’t think I can do it https://t.co/gcwowHGazt

It’s embarrassing when @washingtonpost makes me log in with a dialog that says, “You look like you appreciate good reporting” when all I was doing is chai reading Miss Manners columns.

If you haven’t watched every single episode of #FridayNightLights, go ahead and get started on it now. https://t.co/rnF8OIMTte

Not-so-proud parenting quote from me this morning: Don’t ever scream in my ear again. I DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE ON FIRE!!! 🔥

Funny how nobody post quotes from Bill Cosby telling black kids to pull up their pants now that we all know he’s a serial rapist.

@moneymetalcakes what’s the story on why Jason can’t do big fat winners?

Damn, @AtlantaFX is the best show on tv right now. Nothing ing else close.

RT @BubbaAtkinson: Can you tell if Charlie got in the trash? https://t.co/RSdemii6v5

Me too! (The hog part. No way I’m down to 211.) https://t.co/eNcrLsdXkp

It’s a shame how much of our lives we spend tapdancing in the jelly beans, trying not to get a licorice.

To be fair, he’s looked just like that for 30 years. https://t.co/ckDph6On1o

Of all of the people who have had unprotected sex with a porn star while his wife was home with a new baby, Trump is absolutely the most concerned with said wife's health and well being! https://t.co/CpJrxYCKyU

No way! Wonder which winner of the Russian medal of honor will be next sec state.

I want to hear stories that start with the consent and move on from there. #dirtyoldman https://t.co/AfIHE4oAld

@ESPNMcGee where’s our morning pic of a tug and a bunch of barges today? That guy get a weekend off?

Retweeting because fuck that guy. https://t.co/5KHzA79F01

That’s like 1/4 of a red light camera ticket! https://t.co/gnNRr8dg4k

RT @DanAmira: Wow congrats, the woman is 87 years old https://t.co/OflmBMmvcm

Of course not. Brown people might be immigrants, but the original white people sprang forth directly from the Statue of Liberty’s vagina. https://t.co/c3kZWBLaB2

The bottom of @nytimes trending stories list is a bunch of really shitty stories. (Yes, I read the one about the skis.) https://t.co/7tuoVj6YgW

Florida fashion Twitter https://t.co/fkd1qaAEjK

Call me a fool, but I believe his explanation and the sincerity of his apology.

Also, I hate Duke basketball. (Don’t know why, just felt the need to mention that.) https://t.co/1T9ghbs3oc

I'm openly bawling in public. https://t.co/OBf9OTAsRH

The best thing about Chloe Kim is how unlikely it is that today’s hero turns out to be tomorrow’s racist sexual deviant.

Thank God I have a serrated pocket knife, because I accidentally put coconut creamer in my coffee, and now I have to cut my own tongue out of my mouth.

When it’s Sunday night and everyone is still wearing their @KreweOfMuses throws. https://t.co/wICr1ZlJil

Or when to use capital letters. https://t.co/uM01YyXkkI

I can think of a way to stop it: keep your dick in your pants while you’re at work. https://t.co/2sfSn0omW4

This is an important reference page. https://t.co/eDkQhi3Th1

If you guys could see the Facebook replies that I type out and then don't post. God, I'm a dick on the inside! (This makes me pretty regular tho here on Twitter)

He confused Dow Jones with Joan Dowson, a stripper he was seeing before they made him move into the White House.

Hey Scott, do you know if any of spring baseball practice is open to the public?

@Longreads https://t.co/wYqd0Ukl73

RT @CBSSports: Trebek the real MVP https://t.co/5XkDRGrIb0

I don’t get HomePod. Is it just a $350 Bluetooth speaker?

You won’t work nearly as hard today as that thin little outer paper keeping the roll of biscuits from popping open in your refrigerator.

RT @Aj_Marshall17: Nick Saban out here recruiting his ass off 😂😩😂😩😂 https://t.co/aevlvnni94

RT @TobyBaxendale: When you reach 100 years old in Barbados, you get a stamp in your honour. Lovely. https://t.co/bGvJ8o9Pir

RT @SirEviscerate: Send aspics https://t.co/497lHs6iBr

That's just the coolest thing I ever read. https://t.co/QEjCnrROt4

RT @casanova_kara: Submitted without comment https://t.co/24sDy7JSq3

Her: You leave the kitchen cabinets open!

Me: True. But on the up side, I never formed an LLC in Delaware to secretly pay a porn star to stay quiet about our weird sex while you were home with a new baby.

Just tried to write “Goddamn it’s cold” in the sno with my piss, but I’m a little drunk, so it just came out as an amoeba.

Pope F, you’re alright in my book. https://t.co/93sRJnoI95

Frind’s daughter in Minneapolis reppin @Saints at school today! #WhoDat @johnmchandler https://t.co/xxNqn79oQ6

.@NYTimes, they aren’t “racially tinged remarks.” They’re RACIST. Use your fucking words. https://t.co/vNPfEEW9u8

(Excludes those who were captured) https://t.co/BMgM6bm6He

Clickbait nonsense. Humans will always make and consume music. How that happens has changed many times and will continue to change. But it will continue to happen too. https://t.co/mNOV79jwqJ

Just know that when you Facebook your Disney pics and describe your day as “magical,” I’m making a jerk-off motion to you through the screen.

RT @alanferrier: It's #NationalBirdDay, so here's a baby blue heron, especially for anyone who wonders what happened to the dinosaurs. http…

Bag-o-shit Benny.

I kind of like that. I might start using my trump nickname socially. https://t.co/XZ1wzKqBGh

RT @stridinstrider: This is the best thing you'll see all day. 😍🐕 This Dog figures out how to carry his sled up the hill in order to sled f…

Two #lsu tigers, one #NewOrleansSaints. I’ll be bitter if the other nobody wins. 😄 https://t.co/psSVTnUqpP

How wonderful/pathetic it is that I have to do laundry because I’m out of sweat pants rather than because I’m out of slacks.

Apparently, Guy Fieri's Times Square restaurant is closing. Let's take a minute not to remember the restaurant, but to remember the best restaurant review ever written. https://t.co/9KCRXxATRZ

When the Bough Breaks [via Longreads] https://t.co/zU1YiYhfGw via @instapaper

RT @ESPNBooger: Thank you New Orleans, always a tremendous time , the best big event hosting city in US Food, hotels, everything walking…

Winner gets to coach Ole Miss for a season. https://t.co/PBXERCOx3e