I want to pee next to Jerry Jones so that I can say that I saw America’s Peen. https://t.co/dtnwRxxEMJ

My crew remembers each others’ important dates. https://t.co/2PSx2utK4A

😂 Tyler Lockett gave his elementary school name during his recorded intro for SNF.

Gotta think someone has already started the 30 for 30 on Steve Ensminger calling the most dominant offensive game in CFP history just hours after an unthinkable family tragedy.

Fuck that. If you weren’t with LSU the first weekend in November, don’t be trying to hop on the bus now. Pull for Oklahoma. You’ve got plenty of red in the milk crate where you keep your hoodies anyway. https://t.co/k5ZCEMZqav

RT @bayburmTV: BRUH WHAT

https://t.co/EICxYhRJ97

RT @subhashkak1: A Stellar Mystery: How Could 100 Stars Just Vanish?

A comparison of old and new star catalogs shows that some objects see…

Remember when Obama used to stay up late, praying for talking head approval for something he had done that day? https://t.co/Rz3xNQwda3

This is hard for me to believe. Did they watch Demario play? https://t.co/V1N9BbKYAm

I take it back. Just listened to the @killsbirdsmusic album and it’s 🔥 https://t.co/nlDyYQTvHQ

https://t.co/QDPGgvdHzU

All of my favorite albums from 2019 are from 2017 or 2018. Can’t wait for this time next year to finally start discovering the albums of this year that I really like.

Pretty sure I could choke down 14 waffles in 10 hours. I almost want to try. https://t.co/udSSALhn47

Remember way back when Bob Craft flew to Florida right before the Super Bowl to get a hand job from a brothel run by a Chinese spy? That was this year.

Who's your favorite musical Juice? Wrld or Newton?

The greatest thing about college football is that the players leave when they peak. You never have to see your legends fade.

I'll take "Sentences I could not have comprehended two years ago" for 1000, Alex. https://t.co/hnxZIkJb8h

Ahh, I know that Juice WRLD song. It's playing during a lot of my 8 year-old's TikToks.

RT @CodyWorsham: Marcus Spears is all of us when someone says Joe Burrow isn't the best quarterback in college football.

https://t.co/dnw…

Look at the details in the stripes. Clemson 100% put Mike the Tiger on their locker room wall. https://t.co/H58AwcjP2V

How do I mute baby yoda ?

RT @PeterBurnsESPN: A LSU QB just had the greatest passing season in the history of the SEC.

I'm not sure if I ever expected to type that.

If I were a DJ, I would mix up a medley of Korn songs and call it Korn Kasserole so people would add it to their Thanksgiving playlists.

If I were an A&M fan, I'd be shitting myself that LSU skipped this week's celebration and went right into Aggie hate mode. https://t.co/SK3KyndMjy

Dear sweet and generous football gods. Thank you for the blessings bestowed on my teams this fall. And please don’t let Joe Burrow be drafted by the Redskins. Amen.

I'll admit it. If someone did publish nude pictures of @realDonaldTrump, I would go full-sprint to the computer to get a gander before they got taken down.

You were obviously never been in the room with my mom or her friend Gaynell when they talked on the phone back in the day. https://t.co/sNwrQkpbou

Just wait til they dismiss his suit against a pretend cow. https://t.co/7Nerawt1We

T-Mobile has poor coverage and dreadful customer service, but they play good hold music!

If I was a swim coach, I would get bitter at the kids that go underwater while I’m giving instruction.

RT @Saints: Fan: “Give me a kiss boy!”

Teddy: “Happy Thanksgiving!”

#Saints @teddyb_h2o https://t.co/aiEj5KbAck

@soundopinions please tell me we’re getting a Turkey Shoot next episode!

Kentucky, Louisiana, Dancing with the Stars. What a fucking loser.

Is there any question that Clyde wears #18 next season?

Adopted my 2nd son

Saw Lakes Louise and Morraine

Sailed my own boat from Louisiana to Cuba and back. Then, the Bahamas and back twice

Learned Swift

Read a couple of good books and discovered tons of great music https://t.co/aZ2TXdY8DJ

I’m gonna sound so smart now that I pronounce Kiev as “Keev.” If only I had a good way to bring it up in conversations about college football.

Why isn't anyone talking about the video of @realDonaldTrump where the football fan in chief calls the Alabama football coach "Coach Tommy?"

Why I like to have my digital music, reason 307: I can listen to The Smiths without sending my fractional penny of streaming revenue to white supremicist Morrissey.

RT @PeteMedhurst: This is education at its best! God bless the teachers creativity and engagement with the kids. Look at them!! https://t.c…

Just went to early vote, and I wasn't impressed with the line. Get out there and vote this week, y'all.

The hymen is a myth. Just like the “uterus.” https://t.co/TfRrBiuvp6

Who’s tiny? Moby? https://t.co/p7GTvr6rTI

Look at these clowns. He has a 13 year old son. My 13 yo would only have a 50/50 chance of telling you which direction they run around the bases, but if I had World Series tickets, we’d be there together, and our smiles wouldn’t be fake. https://t.co/t8GguQoaGz

This home improvement could take 33% less time if I could remember where I put stuff down for the next time I need it.

Productive coding class today. Covered how to create and use a class. #learning #swift https://t.co/FBkYm3U1Rg

Is Bing still a thing? I'm considering switching my default search engine because I figure Microsoft will be more inept when it comes to monetizing my habits than Google.

Okay, I'm gonna need to know more https://t.co/lmeJv171La

Saintly me wants Tua to be healthy, because we want to beat them at their best. Evil me hopes they amputate his foot.

@ashleyfeinberg Isn’t there software where you can say “Show me the people who follow , , and ___” and not have to do that manually? I was just looking at the twitter api, and that wouldn’t be difficult to write.

Would not have been great for LSU’s resume if Florida had lost to SC and Texas lost to Kansas. Even so, I would have enjoyed seeing either of those results.

RT @DaveVescio: I saw a guy at Starbucks today. No iPhone. No tablet. No laptop. He just sat there. Drinking coffee. Like a Psychopath.

Just received my calendar alerts for 9:00. I have seven events starting simultaneously.

Thomas Jefferson actually attended one of the first Olympic Games as a guest of Aristotle. https://t.co/jr85GljExG

RT @DanWilbur: I don’t understand why AOC would pay $300 for a haircut when every man criticizing her would cut it for free (as long as the…

It just took me a ridiculously long time to realize that there are sports other than football. https://t.co/PfYlHgRYgX

RT @SECNetwork: .@AlyssaLang: If you were an item from the Taco Bell menu what would you be?

Coach O: Burrito Supreme 😂😂

📺: #TOL | 7 PM E…

It’s your day!

https://t.co/s6IlOpaHHv

#RankTulane for fucks sake

They made no effort to get the X to show up in the box 😄 https://t.co/xSjwXrnUXE

You’ve known he was unfit for three years, and you’re in a position to have done something about it. https://t.co/obn41ch4cN

RT @panoparker: Been one year since the best interaction in human history https://t.co/8vqAmDXgiY

RT @86brianjames19: @bwing38 This needs to be a statue outside of Tiger Stadium #floridahateweek https://t.co/gFv77ECX9k

I could watch this on a loop all day. https://t.co/aKKYXzAUCd

I'd rather see Sports Illustrated shut down than turn into Barstool. At least a few times a year, there would be an article good enough that I was still thinking about it months or even years later. Here's one of my favorites.

https://t.co/dKX1QyeByU https://t.co/OOWni7tfLd

Holy cow, this guy with 11 followers is setting the agenda in policy meetings. https://t.co/9ocogc4CeP

Wake up earlier to get my worm! I just bought https://t.co/ZYh4L0qTUY

@milesofgray @jack_obrien please tell me that DZ records late enough that we get to talk about alligator moat death fences today.

This idiot is bragging about a 50% job approval rate, only 15 points below Nixon at the time his impeachment proceedings began. https://t.co/q7wZudTaOy

Y’all don’t think I’m funny, but I’m making myself laugh so hard.

RT @RTMannJr: Both GOP Louisiana governor candidates just said they don’t believe climate change is caused by human activity. No state is m…

I might be a little drunk, if I’m tweeting ducks, but shit, that’s a beautiful animal. https://t.co/UfWCX8iMzf

It's Friday, y'all. Who wants to get drunk and text some nonsense back and forth?

If @ewarren run on forcing Roger Goodell to resign, Louisiana will instantly become the bluest state in the nation.

My Nextdoor feed has been kind of boring the last couple of weeks. I'm thinking of buying some soft core smut to put into the free little library just to get it stirred up.

REM’s “Everybody Hurts” is so much better if you replace “hurts” with “poops.”

Nothing makes you open an email faster than the follow up, “___ would like to recall this message” email. https://t.co/lADoOHMLXq

Sexy Rexy should stick to foot videos. Sean knows what he’s doing. https://t.co/thesOzcKcK

.@ESPNMcGee @MartySmithESPN #hillbillyheadlines https://t.co/W6HzU7JNHp

I like dogs, @goodreads But just because I read one book with a dog, doesn’t mean I only want recommendations of books with dogs.

Taught a coding class for a co-op of home schooled kids this morning. Coding was the 3rd of 3 classes they had this morning. The two little girls who told me it was their favorite hour made my day. 😀👩‍💻💪

This is why the internet was invented. https://t.co/49428Et47l

Thanks to the poor darlin who added LSU to the Wikipedia page of college football teams with 800 wins, even though he couldn’t figure out how to properly add a row to a table. https://t.co/WAOrlybroA

You gotta be kiddin. Right @MikeTheTiger ? https://t.co/fZE34WYBe8

When does Suzy Kolber get a shot in the booth?

It’s funny that Booger is still called Booger in the MNF booth. Guy just doesn’t seem like an Anthony to anyone, I guess.

The number of empty seats in Charlotte blows my mind. If you can’t get up for the season opener against the conference champs, what’s going to do it?

LSU and Texas need to play fairly regularly. Oklahoma, Nebraska, and Colorado also need to make sure they’re on each other’s schedules every few years.

RT @NickPetraccione: This is by far the funniest coach in college football history.

Ladies and gentlemen, Montana Tech's Bob Green. https…

In other news, fish are wet. https://t.co/QvwCs0J3xE

"Because the U.K. does not have a written constitution..."

Wha? https://t.co/neR2NoKQRQ

RT @RexChapman: Girls, bruh...💪🏀😍😂🤣😭 https://t.co/so92UzVUd6

I am now the only person on all of Twitter who has not tried the Popeyes chicken sandwich.

This is a good list of movies

(All but 2) https://t.co/eDPkk3XKZi

We had the privilege of taking Governor Blanco, her family, and several guests on a sailing charter a few years ago. She was energetic, a great storyteller, and amazingly kind. Sad day. May she Rest In Peace.

Shithole country https://t.co/ExpGK2XwYC

Here’s why I haven’t been to the movies in 2019: https://t.co/6lBdHDJ2UC

Every breakfast place in Baton Rouge has a group of gray-haired men in slacks loudly discussing politics and college football every single weekday morning.

I'm excited to replace the bloated piece of garbage that iTunes has become, but I'm nervous that it's replacement will lose all the functionality around owning and storing ones own music files.

I’m dying for a number neighbored text but I’ll be damned if I’m going to be the one to send it out first.

Not sure if this was my worst texting fuckup, but it’s my most recent 🥴 https://t.co/L2gyH2TSJP https://t.co/SVebXY4Rku

.@Ivan_Maisel It’s about time for you all to get into the podcast studio and fool us again, no?

RT @JacobHester18: I LOL’d a lot the last time I played your squad. Laughter is good for the soul, and my soul was good that night for sure…

Saints first game in the Superdome after Katrina. https://t.co/Tf7TukzNRB

My favorite part is that it's written to suggest that all women share a single vagina.

Stop! Grammer time. https://t.co/RvFBfwaJRL

There’s probalay an online sxm channel just for that. https://t.co/4V6kqiL2ms

This is cool, but imagine if the people who donated so this could happen wanted to build an academic powerhouse too. https://t.co/HKXDVf20kC

Zion who? @joshhart is my new favorite Pelican, and he should be yours too.

Time for my annual Summer resubscribe to Fantasy Football Today, @daverichard @JameyEisenberg @AdamAizer

How am I just now finding @SLOTHRUST ? Every tune of theirs is better than whatever’s on @SXMaltnation right now.

RT @NikoReg_: Rapinoe told the president she’s not coming then bagged every trophy possible and threw them up on IG with a Nipsey quote. GO…

RT @RTMannJr: History will hunt you down, @SenJohnKennedy and @SenBillCassidy. https://t.co/QLJLvhDQ5l

I know who got the good weed. https://t.co/WHU7upCstD

This made me laugh and now I just want to punch myself in the face. https://t.co/48znFqgUGe

RT @bens4lsu: @MerrillBarr When Elizabeth Warren dreams about a college final exam, her dream-self has attended every class and remembered…

Hey, do y’all remember Atlanta blowing a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl? Good times.

The Love Story that Upended the Texas Prison System https://t.co/VIyszccDLW via @instapaper

Death and Valor on an American Warship Doomed by its Own Navy https://t.co/LQiGSKQwJe via @instapaper

For fucks sake, they get paid insane money to play a game. And millions of other people have had to relocate for jobs. Ever met anyone in the military? https://t.co/JqxlSl1kXc

If I own a souvenir shop, it’s definitely going to be called T-Shirts and Bullshit.

1987. Murders row of all time greats, including Wall St, Lethal Weaon, and Preditor. Raising Arizona is the definitive #1 though. https://t.co/sPTXRs9VXC

My ability to sneak two fifths of booze into anywhere (while wearing shorts) is at least as impressive as my engineering degree from LSU. https://t.co/bP8KLrRcYT

RT @DrRJKavanagh: Please tell your children if they are stopped by police to say in unequivocal terms, "I will not speak to you without a l…

Twitter @RadioMadison makes me laugh even harder than radio @RadioMadison https://t.co/2OZsTO4m5x

There are more grains of sand in Panama City Beach than there are rednecks in rented party barges, but the margin isn’t as large as you imagine.

Mnuchin at initial design review: This is awful. You made him look black! And like a woman too! Back to the drawing board! https://t.co/YD1ULak4Hx

Why would you write a post full of game times and never specify what time zone your times are in?

Dear Lord, Make me a billionaire. I swear to God I’ll do stuff like this. https://t.co/Zg8ZxwDt9j

one fifth, one fourth, one third, one half

Why don't we say one second? To avoid confusion with 1/60 of an hour?

#conferencecallthoughts

The music I keep going back to over and over the last few weeks is from @Wowtashawow and @theGROWLERS You might not love them both but I promise you like at least one of them.

I made up a joke

Why did the pirate take viagra?

He couldn’t get hAARRRd.

🎵 No I won’t back down 🎵 https://t.co/VmmkimcfIC

@RadioMadison - Don’t listen to the haters. Your singing reminds my wife of her best friend Crystal, and it makes her nostalgic.

Wait till you hear who got the most votes in 2016. https://t.co/DUfdZOEa9h

Because he Tweets racist shit? 🤷‍♂️ https://t.co/JypoEfsvgt

RT @windingmossyway: @CbCowling @bananafitz Have you read this? ❤️❤️ https://t.co/upmztfPkMq

RT @LamarOOH: We're paying tribute to @starwars #Chewbacca actor on our digital billboards. RIP, #PeterMayhew. https://t.co/ktpYWMi32m

It’s amazing how often I have the mobile bandwidth to load the ad, but not to watch the video I came to see.

Please, thank you, hello, goodbye., food, water, bathroom. Learning those gets you a long way in any culture. https://t.co/AG1tuABwAh

RT @ByJaySarkar: Kim Mulkey's grimace at the sight of a fast food spread for the Baylor Women's Basketball team's visit to the White House…

I hope Haiti has a Neil Diamond cover band who performs with French lyrics. The band name, obviously, is Sweet Creoleline.

RT @coachtat2: S/o to my father for trying to bring a smile to the city of New Orleans https://t.co/k9ujTn0PiT

If you picked up a fucking newspaper once in a while, you would have known this for a couple of years now. https://t.co/QE83fe3BKq

RT @christapeterso: inappropriately upset by this horrible chart with 2 axes for the same variable https://t.co/VWn1AsqrlR

If you’re only going to spend time with one GOT recap, this should be the one. https://t.co/k2WPX6gavW

Stick? What stick? I didn’t see anyone bring a stick inside.

#dogsofinstagram #spring https://t.co/CkOjvjNHuS

One of three things is true: 1. All kids share the same basic shittiness. 2. My kids and @drewmagary's kids share the same basic shittiness. 3. Drew is spying on us through our electronics. https://t.co/dPLoTPGT5v

That there’s the funniest headline of the day. https://t.co/zvyMpheFpR

Thank goodness. I was up all night worried that the process of putting children in cages might become disorderly. https://t.co/OtB82IwpPY

Every 3 year old boy relieves himself in public. (At least both of mine did. One, right into the neighborhood pool in front of everyone.). #bullshitarrests #tarapool https://t.co/rwzkW4akmz

I’m too funny to let this live as a reply... https://t.co/HJ0LPMpxxb

Left the kid’s school at 1:52. Cars were already lined up for carpool. Carpool starts at 2:45. Losers.

Who’s to say that I’m not wearing homemade janties right now? https://t.co/4I2UHWX6Go

C’mon Twitter, let’s get some memes out there with the gold jacket woman’s face. 3, 2, 1....

Sorry to break this to you, love. You’re married to a dick. https://t.co/mlTUiWkOWc

So your radio show ranks songs and plays them from high number to low. Still, it’s not a “countdown “ until you raise Casey Kasem from the dead and get him to host.

This, my friends, is how to write a takedown. Bravo! https://t.co/8X0WvjZfkx

No games today, so I’m re-listening to the audio version of @JFeinsteinBooks ‘s The Legends Club. It’s a masterpiece of story telling that you should read right now if you haven’t already.

He looks nothing like David Bowie. https://t.co/nvm4QrTYmm

JF Christ https://t.co/wBmE0EsNRe

"These are the nefarious doings of BIG NAPKIN RING" 😂😂😂 https://t.co/CcHnRKyZJI

Suggestion is more than just a little insane, and certainly illegal.

On the other hand, a fentanyl overdose does sound like a pleasant way to go. https://t.co/KJ1q1IFAad

Why isn’t the #LSUBaseball game streaming for free? #NightRuined

I find it hard to believe that not one damn woman in that whole kingdom happened to be the same shoe size as Cinderella.

Buddy Guy is my favorite artist named for two things you call a dude whose name you don’t remember.

There was nothing FAKE about it, dipshit. We all saw the video. (And we all laughed at you.) https://t.co/QtPj4Jbf4I

I had an infection in my eye last week. $100 x 2 dr. Visits. $160 total for 2 prescriptions. 1 $400 prescription that I decided not to fill. I’m in the US, and I have insurance. https://t.co/gzH7R2SgBX

I was just wondering what my guys at @ReelBlend were going to have to say about the Spielberg/Netflix thing. Let’s give it a listen. https://t.co/b2UtZoCDxE

97% of bird species don’t have a penis. 🤷‍♂️

It turns out that this is just how ESPN shows the line score when they don’t have data. I thought I had just stumbled on to the weirdest game in baseball history. https://t.co/Guxa2LyaTy

I think it’s funny when my kid tells the dog to go outside to “go to the restroom.”

Didn’t you just suggest to a Navy Captain that we go back to steam power? https://t.co/7Xrya8Cl92 https://t.co/6dHOBxuRXX

LSU Hoops: halftime leads are overrated.

LSU Baseball: just like leads during the 7th inning stretch.

Has Baby Shark succeeded Rocky Top as most annoying and powerful ear worm ever?

Color me old, but the first story on this week’s This American Life is bonkers!

It's weird that "sear by" and "swear at" are opposites.

So 2004 https://t.co/NAGYnE5WH7

The designer here needs to be run out of town. https://t.co/jKMc7cQ5bC

Ground Truth [via Longreads] https://t.co/R5Rc0jHRD9 via @instapaper

.@avamax fan. #SweetButPsycho is a good lyric for this one. https://t.co/HIBCHSNpl7

https://t.co/GitoCwWZE6

The "Let It Grow" album by @ACTORStheband is REALLY good.

Tweet of the decade. https://t.co/1CELb48mh3

Black folks: You don’t say.... https://t.co/SCOLj4xTP0

Little known fact: Nutella is tasty unhardened epoxy. https://t.co/XyWKcsv6pB

How could we possibly know this? No one eats fried chicken EVERY DAY. https://t.co/9u0jWVDiUc

I guarantee that if you offer @realDonaldTrump $1M to put a statue of himself on the DC Mall, he'll drop the demand for money for a wall. We can always take it down in 2020, and it saved tax payers $5B.

Something told me to queue up @Grimezsz's Art Angels this morning. It was just what I needed.

If all of a sudden, I didn’t say anything at all except for “meow,” I wonder how long it would take my family to decide I wasn’t screwing around and to get me a mental health work up.

You never hear the 2nd verse of “Finders keepers, losers weepers.”

“Soldiers Jeepers, perverts peepers”

RT @RabbiDGerber: Some of my best rabbinic exegesis. https://t.co/XmxFppjZpe

@EBJunkies @moneymetalcakes @GlassJoeJP @KevinMcCarthyTV @ChrisKinard Kevin's breakdown of the conference championship games this morning was the height of comedy. EB's incredulity when he ended up with Saints/Pats. Love me some BDK!

RT @SortaBad: I’ve been on twitter for a long time. I feel like there’s lots of amazing tweets most of you haven’t seen that have been kind…

Woo hoo! Just saved myself the cost of a ticket to see @BillyWayneDavis https://t.co/hiwjFrwJXy

Speaking of #keanublend (which you didn't know I was, because it was in a reply), we screened Bill and Ted for the kids a few weeks ago. Holds up amazingly well. Really funny. #BeExcellentToEachOther

I use iTunes throughout the day, everyday. It really is a bloated piece of crap. Time for a rewrite.

Cool. But would be cooler if they could give a decent haircut. https://t.co/TOr7r34RR7

RT @espn: Maybe the real highlight of Monday night.

Christian Wilkins & Clelin Ferrell teaming up to give Dabo a wet willy 😂 https://t.co/…

Obviously a witch. https://t.co/Nx2WIhq2hp

RT @YourManDevine: I thought they threw flags for helmet-to-helmet contact https://t.co/077oK6qzov

I bet those people with 4 or more kids just really like birthday cake.

His soul obviously belongs to the devil. https://t.co/5w6ZIOGikF

Finished Season 2 of #MarvelousMrsMaisel Another outstanding season 👏👏👏

Old man problems. I cut my ear shaving.

Let’s be real, if you take your live mascot to the game in a carrier you got from PetSmart, it deserves to be a cow’s toy. https://t.co/5xpjY6oI2d

“In 2019 I’m going to go get to go see my new house now I have a lot going on and I’ll be sure I have some stuff”

Other than the new house bit, seems spot on. https://t.co/U1hXjDAAGu

RT @CodyWorsham: Kary Vincent vs. UCF:

• 3 targets
• 0 completions
• 0.0 passer rating

This, after losing his father Dec. 26.

Coach O: "…

I never knew my mom was Japanese! https://t.co/oTf1C9Mmz7