The Quote File

A guy that I used to work for kept a file of quotes that struck him as funny. His file grew for years and years. When he left the company, I realized that the only way to save those types of things for myself was to start keeping a similar file for myself.

For some reason, my quotes have a tendency to be nastier. I guess that's because very few of these actually came from work, because I have nasty friends, and because I still think that bad words are funny, even though I should be old enough to be over that.



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1. Frothy eloquence neither convinces nor satisfies me. I'm from Missouri. You have to show me.

   -- Turn of the century congressman Duncan Vandiver. This is the reason Missouri is known as the Show Me State, and a damned good sentiment for you have.

2. This is like sucking a sour dick.

   -- An unnamed friend, sampling a vodka gimlet at the Fox and Hound 8/13/03.

3. It's a labombanation.

   -- Sam Schultz's critique of a karaoke rendition of Labamba on 10/3/03.

4. Eighty-two percent of everybody in the world are not competent at anything.

   -- Yacht designer Bill Garden, quoted in Goold Old Boat, Issue 32, September/October 2003. Bill himself may not have been quite competent in grammer.

5. It's the unexpected that I can't predict.

   -- A Regions Bank IT higher up during a meeting on 10/28/03. He's clearly a man of intellect and talent. I'll leave his identity a mystery, in the name of minimizing the job jeopardy.

6. Your f---ing cooter....

   -- Overheard from one lovebird to another in the Atlanta airport 8/15/03. This really was the quote, uttered as sweetly as if he were reciting poetry. What a charmer!

7. I've never walked through first class on an airplane without wanting to punch someone in the face.

   -- Bill Simmons on an ESPN.com column 1/26/04. Simmons writes a fantastic web column. I could quote him once a week.

8. I like a woman who's gonna have to tuck her tits into her panties when she's fifty.

   -- One of Shelly's friends at Midget wrestling 2/6/04. Another true gentleman.

9. Who wants to see a midget f--k up a deejay?

   -- Emcee at midget wrestling 2/6/04.

10. No. I would prefer that my friends not know that I give head.

    -- Source of quote number 2 above, when asked if she wanted to be attributed properly on this web page.

11. Pen and paper are for the weak-minded.

    -- James Machen, in a meeting 2/17/04. This quote is best used out of context, but in fairness, James was giving a hard time to a meeting attendee who showed up empty-handed.

12. My girls sit and play with my nipples all the time.

    -- Paul Cuevas, at the Thirsty Tiger 3/19/04. We'll just leave this one without further comment.

13. Another thing was that even though the service would not work as a service, it worked just fine as a service.

    -- Richard Caronna, in an Approsystems email 5/4/04. What???

14. I don't want an "atta-boy." I want some bank.

    -- Felix Carballo, on encouragement for ones' employees.

15. I went out to have a couple of beers and ended up drinking a fifth of vodka.

    -- Clay Clark, regarding his behavior while Amanda was out of town with the kids.

16. Sex is like peein'. You can hold it for a while, but sooner or later, you're gonna do it.

    -- Some really old woman at my sister's church.

17. A WHOLE F---IN' BOTTLE OF GRAY GOOSE ISN'T FIFTEEN DOLLARS!.

    -- Mrs. Theskinnyonbenny, commenting on the slightly inflated prices of mixed drinks at the Madonna concert.

18. You wanna talk one off’s. How about thousand off’s.
    What’s one more to the pile?

    -- Email from Kim Brannon, responding to my warning about a specific customization for Hibernia on 9/3/04.

19. On behalf of Philip and me, we wanted to compliment Johanna and the team on a great effort in signing this client. {Client Name Witheld} is a great example of our Sales force and the CFT’s working together to a common goal of acquiring a valuable client while setting appropriate expectations about the role our client plays in becoming successful lenders through the use of APPRO products and services

    -- Steve Helmke, by email on 12/23/04. My "consultant to English translator" tells me that this says, "We signed {client name}."

20. Thank you for still not answering my question while asking another.

    -- Ed K., on the Rhodes 22 email list 9/22/04

21. If we can't dazzle you with our brilliance, we'll baffle you with our B.S.

    -- Rummy, from the same email list, in response to my enthusiasm for Ed's post above.

22. Dawn is an evil monster.

    -- Eddie Acosta, on 9/25/04, commenting on his thoughts of a friend's wife.

23. That's the look of a wife with disdain for her husband.

    -- Jared Hightower, New Year's eve 2004/2005, commenting on Mrs. theskinnyonbenny's expression when I declined her suggestion to take care of some little task or other.

24. Kip Holden has been mayor for one day, and traffic hasn't gotten any better. What's up with that?

    -- Carl Dubois in a column in The Advocate, 1/4/05

25. I’ve lost my ability to eat pop tarts.

    -- Tyler Cummings, 1/6/05

26. All of Chuck’s balls lie in his email.

    -- Tyler Cummings, 1/12/05, on a client who gets angry in writing but is very tame by telephone.

27. Often, customers don't ask for Jack Squat.

    -- Scott Key, on customer requirements, during a meeting on 4/12/05.

28. My wife is going to be mad at me when she gets to work today cause the kids dirty sheets from daycare are still in her car. I was on the john just now at work and realized it. I take medication that makes me forget things. It is a handicap. She doesn't cut me any slack for it.

    -- Steve Dille, by email on 4/19/05.

29. You know, Lionel Jefferson doesn't have nearly the pop-culture impact that you think he does.

    -- Stacie Notariano, to me on 4/25/05. I really do think that a lot of us in our mid 30's look up to Lionel Jefferson, even though he was a minor character in the Jeffersons. I mean really, can you name another sitcom character who had a whole brand of electric trains named after him?

30. Well, I would suggest a defense in depth strategy that can mitigate the need to apply certain patches, as the attack vectors can be minimized or eliminated.

    This was a real response to a question by email at work. If you figure it out, please let me know what it means.

31. If Kathleen Blanco was as proactive as ESPN, we'd be in good shape.

    -- Eric Ducote, on ESPN's Wednesday decision to move Game Day from Baton Rouge because of Hurricane Rita, due to hit Texas on the following Saturday.

32. My teeth don't need no frickin' pickin'!

    -- Mrs. theskinnyonbenny, in the loud, North Louisiana voice she uses after too much liquor, on the occasion of being offered a toothpick. Dec. 1, 2005.

33. I lay in bed and think every night.

    -- Trey Warren, in a meeting on Dec. 20, 2005. I'm glad there's some time during the day when thought occurs.

34. If hell was anything like West Virginia, I'd be in church every day.

    -- Tyler Cummings by IM 1/26/06 (from West Virginia, as a matter of fact)

35. Boy, I hope I'm able to get around as good as you when I'm your age.

    -- Noel Nevarez, to me, after playing basketball on 3/21/06. It's the first time I've been told something like this.

36. If it were up to my dad, that show would still be winning Emmys today.

    -- Eric Ducote, in reference to The A Team on 3/29/06. Gee I hadn't remembered that show racking up all of the Emmys.

37. Now do you see why I was driven to drink at such a young age?

    -- Mrs. theskinnyonbenny, on the way home after a weekend at her parents'.

38. So what do you look like without any eyeballs in?

    -- Tyler, on the phone at work on 7/11/06. He has a friend whose job is to pry eyeballs out of dead people.

39. I would rather sandpaper a bobcat's asshole then mess with that dog's food.

    -- Sharples, some time back in June of 06, on the prospect of taking food away from a basset hound of his former acquaintance.

40. Well, with what's happened recently over there, the testing of nuclear weapons, Korea is off our recruiting charts now. They're out. Not going to be any guys from over there. I promise you that. I'm not going.

    -- Sylvester Croom, Mississippi State head football coach at SEC Media Days in July 2006. What? No North Korean scholerships? How can they hope to field a competitive team?

41. A fool with a tool is still a fool.

    -- Coretha Rushing, Equifax Chief Administrative Officer. Not sure when she said it, but oh what a quote.

42. My dad was a body builder, and he was so vain, that he had his bikini custom made to match his boat.

    -- Overheard when passing a woman by name of Michelle at a client's office in December, 2009

43. Jews are cool as shit

    -- Jon Gosselin as he rang the door to his attorney's office, New York Magazine Dec 2009

44. I have some sort of stomach issue that's cause me to be blowing it out for the last hour and a half.

    -- Mortgage company executive, June 12, 2010. He followed the statement with, "I guess that's kind of a crude thing to say."

45. I don't read books, but if I read books, it would be like reading a book.

    -- Les Miles, lsusports.net, Nov 3, 2008

46. Never before in history (I hope) has a shared Coors Light led so quickly to such unfun cunnilingus.

    -- Slate.com's Dana Stevens, in an online discussion of the movie Greenburg. No comments, please, from a couple close to us where mucho Coors Lite is consumed.

47. I'm smokin' one right now!

    -- Jim Cheatle, of sacsmokes.com, during a conversation as part of his day job.

48. We talked extensively about our exit strategy.

    -- Amanda, on whether she thought she could stand the rest of us for a full week.

49. Ben, I’m going to have to ask you to step away from the light.

    -- Amanda, interrupting a conversation taking place in the pool at night. I had moved closer to the underwater light, and I was wearing not a single stitch.

50. FAWNA.

    Lisa (who has a little bit of a Boston accent) settles the discussion about what band sang "Turn Me Loose."

51. No, it’s my job. I fly to islands and ride other people’s jetskis around.

    -- Clay, when rude,y asked if he was "on holiday" by a British lady who didn’t like jetskis on her waterfront.

52. What? Read?

    -- Stacie, in reply to Amanda’s "I’ve never been able to do that before." She was speaking of her ability to read while music was playing.

53. I don't have the hallucinations or dilusions that a lot of people have.

    -- Stranger, talking too loudly, PJ Coffe on Essen, January 23, 2012.

54. I was distracted by Clint Eastwood having contracted Batman throat disease.

    -- Some advertising expert on Slate's Culture Gabfest, commenting on Superbowl commercials, February, 2012.