Opened 5:00. We arrive 5:02. One hour wait. 😞 https://t.co/cEh87hOezl

For fucks sake, the president of the US can’t find a flag image without compression distortion. Use your unsecured phone and take a picture of any of the 600 flags around you at any time! https://t.co/1iJuXVF3Rm

If you don’t have at least a small gap between one toe and the others, I assume you have webbed feet. #swimpracticethoughts

For all of my Burrow to the Saints shippers, it’s not gonna happen. Not through draft day magic, not after his rookie contract four years from now. I’d be happy to be wrong, but I’m not.

The Firehouse rueben is good, but it’s not a rueben. It’s a corned beef and coleslaw.

There are a lot of great jokes about my sex life that I never say or tweet because my wife appreciates privacy more than me.

This is great sports writing, y’all. https://t.co/oek6y5ILus

“Coach O talks funny” is the shittiest joke that I’ve read on Twitter at least 110 times this week.

Lol tho https://t.co/08FqvD52dv

How long to kickoff? I’m nervous as hell.

Best night

Fucking Christ, I’m so happy. Is this what it feels like to be an Alabama fan?

And not a single one of them in Baton Rouge. https://t.co/ifg6O9Mo6p

If it’s in 4/4 time, you can chant Sttdb https://t.co/nNewKPSe9l

Can you believe that there are tweets in my timeline that aren’t abou LSU? Get a life, people.

Don’t fret, you’ll get laid some day. https://t.co/nPY5rV2rti

RT @ATVS_ChefBilly: Y'all I don't know that I'm ever going to get used to the idea that LSU threw 60 GODDAMN TOUCHDOWNS AND WON A NATIONAL…

National Championship parade AND Louisiana marathon this weekend. What’s going on in your city?

Just went to the bathroom at Firehouse as an employee was coming out. Sink was bone dry. Someone’s about to get dick cells in their sandwich.

Who’s your favorite murderer in music? Killer Mike, The Killers, or Kills Birds?

If my math is right, you could give every grain of sand on earth one million IPv6 addresses and still have plenty of addresses available for all of the devices created by man.

Hi to all the people who block off an hour of their mid day as “Busy” in a daily recurring appointment just so people will let them eat.

RT @XLNB: Black boys can do more than just football & basketball. Celebrate them experiencing something positive & unique, instead of tryi…

RT @bens4lsu: @Steven_Hyden Chuck Berry, No Particular Place to Go is the best song about blue balls in a car.

If these are accurate, wouldn’t their sum have to be zero? 🤔 https://t.co/LQAanTUX32

Y’all, Check out this trailer hitch plug my man ⁦@blacksmithjim⁩ made. ⁦@Joe_Burrow10⁩ https://t.co/seJPCIBxR7

My German-speaking physicist grandfather speculated about how one might go about splitting an atom at a cocktail party during WWII. He might have been pretty close, because he spent a couple of days in government custody until they were convinced he was just a smart theorist. https://t.co/YrT7dylcs8

RT @GraceSpelman: Really need some help finding my cat Pierogi https://t.co/HzS6ESfmnS

RT @jbfan911: A large boulder the size of a what

As an aging Puxtatawny Phil loses his vision, Spring — and the Earth as a whole — gets warmer and warmer. Coincidence?

Having to ask for a reset password email just to subscribe from unwanted emails.

My Facebook feed is full of people who are disgusted by Pelosi, yet who voted for Trump because “he does t act like a politician.”

RT @NFL_Memes: Can’t stop laughing at the amount of fans who showed up at the airport to greet the 49ers after the Super Bowl https://t.co/…

I guess Republicans think that they can garner the Jewish vote by characterizing those who denouce Islamiphobes as anti-Semitic. The problem with that is -- if I may traffic in my own racist stereotype for a moment -- Jews are smart.

I'm working in a building where riding the elevator with a stranger always involves a pleasant exchange. "Have a good day!" "Good morning!" It's not as good as working from wherever I want, but it is nice.

Just heard @junethomas ‘s ad read for KY. Because, I’m shit with accents, I head the web address as k-y.come. Gave the company my mental props for the balls to put that out there before I realized that she must just be saying .com.

“You were 1 for 5, and finished 7 for 10.” Come on! That’s piss poor counting. https://t.co/38B06ExyS8

RT @JennyJohnsonHi5: I bet all those stuffed animals that adults gave to other adults for Valentine’s Day seem pretty fucking stupid right…

Have a software demo tomorrow where the product isn’t quite where I want it. AND the wife is out of town, the kid’s ride from school canceled, and the plumbing is backing up into the house. How’s your day going?

Texas, Florida, and LSU all claim to be the real DBU. Meanwhile, Dallas Baptist just sits quietly and shakes its head.

ESPN’s stream of the LSU baseball game has no announcers, and if I could get them all this way, I would pay extra.

He’s as good at Twitter as I am at understanding why time slows down when you get close to a black hole. https://t.co/XTccANytBw

When you and your boys are discussing favorite indie bands named for property who make boring music, are you team Beach House or team Real Estate?

Thank goodness there will be something to drink once the world is out of Diet Coke https://t.co/w1fjktgsnE

@KevinMcCarthyTV , what was the HBO movie people sleep on that you were hyping on the radio today?

RT @dog_rates: His name was Fidèle. He napped peacefully on that windowsill for over a decade. He became one of the most photographed dogs…

Who gives a flying fuck? https://t.co/dbmVA9pqUB

It’s unfucking believable that states are still finding ways to keep people of color from voting in 2020. https://t.co/d2meiqlAc5

If you were to read my feed right now, you would conclude that Elizabeth Warren had died.

Underrated tweet https://t.co/jOsJbvj4TI

RT @BKubena: Derek Stingley just took off his helmet and shook this piece of confetti out.

Yes, it’s from the national championship in the…

Who’s your favorite beach band? Boys, House, or Bunny?

That’s how I know there’s no God. No God that loves you would force you to endure Mike Pence’s company AND subject you to a deadly virus. https://t.co/oKmmnKs7bV

They haven’t canceled Jazz Fest yet?

I’ve been working (mostly) from home for 13 years. There is no way to stop the dog from going on a mad barking fit just as you unmute yourself on the call. I don’t know how they know, but they do.

Just overheard at the office: "I never use commas. It takes up too much space."

Reading her stuff must be fun.

RT @blobert: John Kennedy is on this like dip on shit. https://t.co/Cy2PZBRqK6

I’m sure it’s the right call, but so disappointing. It my favorite day of the year. https://t.co/qO69mT3ed0

If they cancel college football, LSU automatically becomes the 2020 National Champions too. I looked it up.

The kids at Dayton and SD State must be crushed.

Just like I am about the parade.

Fuck these people.

If there was anywhere else in town to buy a daikon radish, I swear to God... https://t.co/YEu0shwmww

When Mr and Mrs Wolf named their baby Howlin’, they cemented his future as legendary blues man.

RT @ladyhaja: we all – and i cannot stress this enough – need this right now. possibly the greatest short film ever made. https://t.co/Fzvt…

I think I’m done with Westworld.

I bet you need some new tunes, now that you're working at home. Check out Honeymoon by @BeachBunnyMusic. My favorite 2020 album so far.

This has to be the record week for total, worldwide tail-wags.

But Horney Cracker was already my nickname! https://t.co/W0S9PUbGft

RT @RexChapman: Quarantine day 11: https://t.co/eKsR0tureq

After they’re gone, you’re left with delicious weenie water soup! https://t.co/H6lQCu4fFd

If only we were all embryos https://t.co/HI2tilhw5d

It’s been a busy couple of weeks. Let’s stop to remember that LSU football threw for 60 passing touchdowns, beat everyone who is anyone, and won 15 games and a natty.

What a riveting story https://t.co/fm2fO0Nvpa

If you made Grimes the singer for The Cure, you get Kali Ma and the Garland of Arms, and I mean that in a good way. The tunes are as good as the band name is bad. Cusp is one of my two favorite albums of 2020 so far.

RT @OhNoSheTwitnt: Remember when George W Bush got notified about 9/11 and just kept on reading a children’s book aloud like nothing had ha…

OK everyone, when you have a label over a number column, you have to right-align that shit. Who can take this seriously? https://t.co/PTHrIYwbFb

@RadioMadison 👍 on the Powfu. Love when he stops rapping to sing along with the bebadoobe sample

Do I look like a goddam Vanderbilt? https://t.co/kywdZsoNU3

Beat this shit, John! We’re not done listening to new John Prine music! https://t.co/gZo77YzHVg

I guess this is just going to be the era in my life where I find really good music by bands with awful names. @GreatGrampsBand it is today.

If you were allowed to come closer than 6 ft, you’d be able to see how pretty I really am.

$1200 for each family helps a little, but what if the government sent each house $1200 worth of weed instead?

I’m not normally a rat, but Louisiana has an 800 number for you to narc on cars you see litter, and I absolutely love calling it.

Same sentiment , but replace

xenophobic = racist New York = New Orleans 9/11 = Katrina

America is amazingly consistent people. https://t.co/kScHAUQhCa

Funniest show to binge that’s not on your radar: The Detour.

RT @lleger: tfw you hear a toilet flush on a conference call 🙄 taking WFH a little too far y'all

<<making the jerking-off motion>> https://t.co/Y6a6UdSKjW

A better way to shelter at home. https://t.co/crR5oedTpB

Women’s golf might have the best unis on campus. Who knew? https://t.co/FDhZ9PK4Y9

Find me the clip from January or early February of ANY doctor on TV saying that Marci Gras should be cancelled. I’ll wait....

RT @JimMFelton: A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else https://t.co/gPbNwi729U

It’s just such good fucking fortune to be non-essential but still getting paid to work from home. Feeling down for those aren’t in my boat.

This is obviously a single, time traveling cat. https://t.co/KqajXVXqZf

Holy cow. Both our companies got PPP money already. Debbie at HomeBank is a rock star!

So we’ve got that going for us... https://t.co/onNZ5tYKYL

RT @RTMannJr: Cat got your tongues, @SenBillCassidy & @SenJohnKennedy? Useless cowards.

Cool promotion, and really good content. (I deployed my first Vapor app two weeks after finishing his Vapor book.) https://t.co/6X64JNjcMX

I didn’t even know the government was funding the WHO, but I think it’s time for Roger Daltry and the boys to stand on their own two feet.

I get that everyone is at home, but it’s been a month. It’s time for Hulu to add some server capacity.

Either musicians can see the future, or we would normally be sitting at our social gatherings wondering, "What's with all these songs about being alone with nowhere to go?"

God, what was that game called? I used to play that on the shitter at work on my Treo. https://t.co/7cdO9Q2lJo

Dr. Dimento, even https://t.co/YrM73Ba23y

The mic on the apple earbuds is too damn sensitive to background noise. Everyone always comments on the bird chirps when I'm on a work call. Sorry, I'm not gonna take you call indoors on a beautiful spring day.

Drinking game for tonight:

When a player gets drafted from a team #LSU beat last year gets picked, drink.

When an LSU player gets picked, drink twice.

If you make it to the end of round 1, seek treatment.

I know some stupid motherfukers, but @michaelharriot is right. https://t.co/oDm8uHAK6q

Clarence Gatemouth Brown > Clarence Clemonsn >>> Clarence Thomas

I've liked Fiona Apple alright in the past, but I heard this new song for the first time Saturday, and now I can't stop listening. https://t.co/bv92hIWRNi

Happy #EdBallsDay ! https://t.co/yZKRqnnDTu

RT @valleyshook: What is the most Baton Rouge-ass pandemic headline that could ever possibly be written?

This one.

How about a service where someone reads my Twitter feed and delivers the funniest Tweets to me via podcast?

Truth be told, I’d rather eat a fish stick than a hot pocket. Do fish sticks still exist? @SarBeMye

Here’s the thing, 2020: you started with an LSU Championship. If you can end with us voting out the orange psychopath, you can still rise to “not bad” when people remember years.

Adios! https://t.co/oGpLESagZI

I don’t believe in a God who takes interest in human affairs and actively interferes in our lives, but if Trump dies of Carona, there’s a chance to change my mind.

RT @JonDeTrinis: The White House should contact the Falcons for guidance on operating at 25% capacity. https://t.co/Q3v9MunDs9

I absolutely hate Apple Music. It deleted my years of hand-crafted playlists, and I was only able to get them back because I export the library xml regularly for this project. https://t.co/wgZO5aKv4n

When your Twitter bio says “fiscal conservative and constitutionalist” but your Tweets support Trump. Just doesn’t compute.

RT @juliaturner: Husband said I "had to see" a nine minute video of a guy solving a sudoku. Turns out it was a 25-minute video. And he was…

RT @yokoboji: The governor of Mississippi is reading the names of graduates. And someone submitted the name “Harry Azcrac” 😂😂 https://t.co…

Where I’m most at home:

My back yard bar

Sailing Velvet Elvis

Inside a SQL Query tab

I have a theory that @sarahcpr ‘a actual voice sounds like Fran Drescher.

This summer will mark 10 years since I've been to Las Vegas, an unimaginable gap to the version of me in my 20s, who went at least once and often twice a year.

I hate how e-readers make it impossible to be nosy and judgmental about what strangers are reading in public. https://t.co/pH71ZtywmV

Can we change every long weekend so that we're off on Friday? I'm already a day behind on all of the shit I need to do this week, and I forgot to take out the trash last night.

Is it me, or do we get a Tropical Storm Bertha every single year? https://t.co/bqUlL1gqdI

“The girl on the right shall henceforthward refrain from getting so mad when her date looks at the girl on the left.” https://t.co/O1UpKwLZOB

Jude Law slides up next to me at the bar, orders a drink, and gives me a glance before adding, “and a tequila sunrise for the gentleman.” I don’t turn it down.

RT @lib_crusher: Here is Killer Mike at the mayor's press conference. Very powerful. https://t.co/NPPHy2EX9o

I fucking hate the "stick to ...." argument with a public figure. My facebook feed is full of people's politics when I just wanted to see an occasional pic of a grand kid. What makes it okay for randos, but not for @taylorswift13 or @Joe_Burrow10 or @RadioMadison ? Fuck that. https://t.co/kwEuvkeF7S

I still have 2020 has a “good” year because of LSU football, but God help me, it’s looking more and more like “fair”, with a chance to reclaim “good” in November. https://t.co/jHSpI5Wp2j

NOLA protesters and NOPD doing it all the right way. https://t.co/KjxkUoNyuM

RT @RexChapman: I promise you that this is the best thing you’ll see today.

Wait for it... https://t.co/GSI0CMrWWo

I'm glad @drewbrees spent yesterday eating shit, but I'm still spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about which @Saints jersey I'm going to buy and wear on Sundays while #9 stays in the closet. I think I'm going with @demario__davis

I... I can get.... I can get a draft beer?

<tears of joy trickle down cheeks> https://t.co/EjE6DUMNnE

For the love of God, get a mask on her. https://t.co/LSarFtQNd7

LOL, Who had Mitt in short shorts on their 2020 bingo card? https://t.co/zA7Rxjhcwr

“It’s been a very, very long time since Ove been able to see my penis without a mirror.” https://t.co/4e6omWartc

RT @ARonHubbardBM: The cops shot #BreonnaTaylor nine times serving a no-knock warrant at the wrong house with the suspect they were after a…

Black Sabbath by Black Sabbath from the album Black Sabbath, Bad Company by Bad Company from the album Bad Company, or Big Country by Big Country from the album Big Country?

RT @JFeinsteinBooks: Today's anecdote: I'm in tennis mode for some reason. When Tatum O'Neal was pregnant with John McEnroe's first child i…

I’ll be watching. WHO DAT! https://t.co/PLWwaFIH8s

Holy cow, I’m gettin my ass kicked by an old man. https://t.co/ztrvHGz2mc

I used to have a joke that for Father’s Day, “I just want all you fuckers to leave me alone all day.” Today, because of a mishap, I spent the entire day sperated from my family, and it sucked balls. So that joke is hereby retired.

Every Thanksgiving, I think “I should write a how-to blog post for blocking Fox News for people visiting their parents.”

(I never do — I don’t even have a cable box to figure it out on.) https://t.co/kenh7BLPRv

I need Shazam, but for geological formations. I really want to know the name of the y’all peak. https://t.co/aXpFU8ceNr

RT @bocxtop: Black people don't care if u stop saying "master bedroom" or if u remove problematic shows from decades ago from hulu, Black p…

I open Twitter in the browser 30 seconds after closing it on the phone. Then I get bitter that there’s nothing new. https://t.co/KYsP62tHJY

Just coming online for the first time today. What stupid shit did Trump do?

Maybe if the intelligence chiefs disguised the daily brief as a ratings book, he would know what’s going on in the world. https://t.co/TFycpcqcWz

I’m mentally preparing for a world with a lot fewer of two of my favorite things: college baseball and restaurants. https://t.co/SEpHEJK7gp

The Curse of the Bahia Emerald, a Giant Green Rock That Wreaks Havoc and Ruins Lives https://t.co/BKi5EXZoBo via @instapaper

In Montana. I went to a dumpster a little while ago and I couldn't get it open. Pretty sure everyone here now knows that I'm a bear in a human suit.

This is a story my Aunt Doyle would have told, although she would have taken an hour to tell it. Just before you get to the end of the story, it’s over. https://t.co/Rfed9Cs1yT

RT @CourtyardBrew: Okay so we were planning on reopening next week but now thanks to all you dumb motherfuckers who refuse to wear masks we…

Dumb fuck. https://t.co/PgrORMkrnu

RT @GeorgeTakei: Pro-tip: Don’t use old pictures of you and Yoko Ono to honor me years from now.

A list of US presidents who were neither racist nor womanizing:

Carter Obama

America, this is pathetic.

The only correct cocktail in the heat of a Louisiana Summer is a shot of gin added to your Arnold Palmer. https://t.co/9kvn6fCsAz

I don't get outraged by dumb award show bs, but y'all, this is outrageous. https://t.co/302VaJ9M6L

When is someone going to ask Bill Barr about @rheaseehorn 's snub?

@BaldMove Listened to the reheat today, and I can't handle the cliff hanger. What ended up being the culprit that was crushing your download data way back when?

What does Vegas have as the over/under on dead college football players this season? https://t.co/KCnaH6E3nS

I have washed my hands more in 2020 than I did when I was in my 20s. https://t.co/0FXLrU6zMI

Bet they weren’t starters. https://t.co/oqZ1sNhj6T

This is my favorite photo accompanying a news article ever. Pulitzer.

https://t.co/by1LOFNOKS

I fantasize about leading a Weezer cover band where the only instruments we play are ukuleles.

I want to be a comedian’s podcast sidekick. If you’re starting a podcast and need an old guy with moderate tech skills to step on your jokes, my DMs are open.

RT @mattisbear: stolen from reddit u/otter_apocalypse https://t.co/vmmBzUbjZX

The “congratulations Grad 2020” decorations still in yards are the pandemic version of Christmas decorations up at the end of February.

Check out my new name here. ⬅️

I can’t even breathe I’m laughing so hard. https://t.co/vdfcJ0socM

Every city in America has one restaurant who claims that their is so good that @Oprah used to have it flown in.

Those two statements are contradictory. https://t.co/grDuKvG5sL

Deleware thibks it’s playing bridge

RT @VDOOZER: Why all of Twitter is not awful. This girl slays.

Man, this article is so horrifying and so good! https://t.co/RHHx3BISUK

I wonder why this loser deleted his Facebook post from yesterday. 🤷 https://t.co/HvxWgtW4o4

I can’t believe how few song writers rhyme Venus and penis.

GOP furiously trying to locate the kid that Trump once helped so that he can speak next week.

I am 10,000 times happier to be voting for @JoeBiden having seen this. https://t.co/v21U1B3d19

Cities better start planning Trick or Treat, because if they go in to October having planned no better than they did for school openings, folks are gonna revolt.

Hey @realDonaldTrump , are you bitter that this will have sold more copies than Art of the Deal by the time you see this tweet? https://t.co/q9om1d1oqJ

RT @DerekPonamsky: #GeauxTigers https://t.co/dR1wyEJaWs

This 5 year old song came up in my music shuffle today. Made me smile and then fist pump. Here it is, if you need something like that right now. https://t.co/dc5v6u1C0r

RT @ambivertlegacy_: “This for them fuckin straws bitch” https://t.co/LvZPHuj7q0

I need a few more listens to say for sure, but I think SUGAREGG by @Bully is the 4th ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ album of 2020 for me, and the 3rd by a female artist or female led band.

Ok, cool.

How about adding concrete plans to give people of color more front office opportunity? https://t.co/Qf1ERxPMmK

A couple of years ago, I had to quit calling @Elizabeth_Cook my radio girlfriend because the kids were starting to get nervous about it. https://t.co/3pAqfp0RVC

@C_Hanagriff the domain https://t.co/ucOTHgwga4 is still available as of now.

It’s 2020 FFS! But better now than never. https://t.co/9otfAK6M57

Will be buried under all of the craziness of today's news explosion, but hat tip to @maddow for asking Cohen if he had ever paid for an abortion on behalf of the cheeto in chief. I've been waiting for that question a long time.

Halloween canceled in LA: Day was accused of making Arbor Day watch it masturbate for access to the Hallmark calendar.

In the history of the world, there are two guys (Woodward and Bernstein) responsible for bringing down a sitting US president. And one of those guys is who Trump decides to confide in. #VeryStableGenius

Wow. Who knew? I thought they just wanted cops to stop killing black people. Color me educated. https://t.co/etNEyFgOt1

It’s almost like tax cuts for billionaires was a bad idea. 🤷‍♂️ https://t.co/bM28zrfAAJ

I'm kind of charmed by this guy who was looking for a vape message board, found a bunch of software developers instead, but stuck around a few minutes to learn a new fact. https://t.co/ujard7kjcj

I think the Progressive guy is a little too hard on the guy who wants to read about submarines.

Muzak at the orthodontist just played Take a Walk on the Wild Side. Doc was talking so I couldn’t hear if they have a version that substituted something else for the “giving head” or “colored girls” parts.

Sean Peyton is the only person in Louisiana who does not have a fleur-de-lis mask.

RT @TeaPainUSA: Trump was given a chance to denounce White Supremacy and he choked. #TrumpIsARacist

I would pay for a subscription to a camera feed where I could watch @realDonaldTrump's face as the taking heads refer to him as "elderly and obese"

Jim, you’re making me horney! https://t.co/pe0YjQ9x5L

Please tell me that someone sells a towel with an elastic waistband! 💵 https://t.co/TzoQmsmIfo

I had never heard of #ProudBoys before Tuesday, and maybe it’s that I’m in New Orleans a lot, but this is more in line with what I would have expected. https://t.co/sAjpvPkwnY

In a season featuring the emergence of Burrow and Edwards-Helaire, Landry to OBJ is still the most #NFLSU moment so far.

I LOVE olives. Even more so when they’ve been soaking in gin and vermouth. https://t.co/peR3XpIPsV

Wishing the Mad Hatter a speedy and full recovery. #RockChalk

The over/under for LSU/Ole Miss this year should be 140 https://t.co/AoYD15dtGE

Man, I’m old enough to remember the 80s, and we definitely had color film. https://t.co/NRRKl2YNtJ

Twist ending: we were living in the shithole country all along! https://t.co/jzP7z4UZwj

https://t.co/ORs7qMNgwi

@ARonHubbardBM the wife just bought 2 of these, which we would never have known about without your drunken whimsy. https://t.co/PVz9fc6Mdo

Immediately inducted into the cover song Hall of Fame https://t.co/X3McCMv2u7

When I have a little free time, I'm going to write a bot that can identify traffic lights, crosswalks, and motorcycles.

The CNN Zoom maturbator guy whose name I’ve already forgotten just sent Sasha Baron Cohen a case of scotch.

Before I watched I’m Thinking of Ending Things, I had never heard of Jessie Buckley, but after that and 4 episodes of Fargo, she’s right near the top of my list of favorite actresses.

No one loves anything as much as color guys love circling trip receivers before the snap.

RT @subhash_kak: A palindromic number remains the same when its digits are reversed. Examples: 3, 44, 101, 4567654

The sum of the reciproc…

Hey @BillCassidy just wanted to make sure you saw this. Congrats, loser!

https://t.co/Mv9SA7ZXqU

I hate watching Clemson because they play Tiger Rag wrong.

RT @CEStephens: Uh, LSU fans know better than most how after a raucous party, you face a severe hangover. https://t.co/ssTsuhkFp3

I never gave this one second of thought before today, but Rivers Cuomo does sort of resemble Buddy Holly.

@BillCassidy You are a loser.

I have claimed for electoral purposes that LSU football is hereby undefeated.

Been hearing an increased number of Huey Lewis tunes lately. They're better than you remember.

589

Got tired of counting, but more than 20 https://t.co/SlllqyZHDC

RT @literaryeric: All of a sudden 200,000 is a lot of people to Trump. https://t.co/7cfWoXiSpI

@madonna’s Sex book. https://t.co/KFi2T6kCSc

I like Kyle Chandler, but I wonder if he can play anything other than annoyed grouchy guy.

Jesus, not one coffee cup in sight. https://t.co/Ox3NMhM9oF

I’d say this is tragic, but someone as good as @Ivan_Maisel will find himself with a better job before I order lunch today. https://t.co/ffMyzjhX5n

RT @roywoodjr: Cease and Desist on all 28-3 jokes.

Sorry Disney, my Twitter feed is the happiest place on earth right now.

I don't own a skirt https://t.co/1hq8rfDNcq

My hot take: @CFBHeather is one of the 10 best college football reporters in the world, and the only reason she’s not broadcasting the game of the week in the SEC or other major conference is because she’s a female.

@swizzbold No idea if you’ve considered a college football podcast, but @Ivan_Maisel is a free agent, and when he quit hosting the ESPN college football podcast, I unsubscribed. I’m a tad older than you, but he’s a legend. Used to read his pieces in SI as a kid.

Fantasy footballers. Just learned about a guillotine large today. I want o to one now. Send me an invite.

I would murder a baby for someone to bring me a Popeyes chicken sandwich

RT @CoreyRForrester: This is who is running for Senate in my Great State of Georgia y’all. This CANNOT HAPPEN. Please VOTE and get all your…

RT @mathematicsprof: Quote by a forest ranger at Yosemite National Park on why it is hard to design the perfect garbage bin to keep bears f…

I wish I felt surprised by my alma mater, but only anger and disappointment. https://t.co/RMabykqybJ

A 2019 Pro Bowler I don’t care what you say let’s fight about it https://t.co/BBYqDluZMm

There are a billion people on the planet, and like 8 of them are very good at this particular job. https://t.co/n69mrkHv95

Just tried to hang a dog toy on the tree.

@johnsundell Is there a Discord or Slack for users of Publish?

I can’t possibly watch all the good tv

No biggie. Joe knows his way around up there. https://t.co/P3eAfkRlFT

Just finished up a software install that’s been in the making since February. Don’t mind working until midnight, except that the cat and the dog have already found other humans to bed down with.

It’s really too bad that no football happened this fall at all, and that 2019 LSU is the last thing we can remember about the sport.

Lick your wounds the first time Bama goes 15-0. #itsStill2019toMe https://t.co/pnDS3PciuS

RT @OriginalYoni: When you Google “Alex Trebek” — this is what you see. Well done, @Google. 🙌 https://t.co/F3oddbMuxU

Wow, how cool. https://t.co/MIHzyn8G8b

Or hire a fuckin nanny to travel with them. https://t.co/jOfa760k3t

RT @votelandry: O. M. G. They spelled Louisiana wrong #lalege #lagov

But we still have to suffer through three more years of Gary Danielson?

So is Auburn. https://t.co/5NrCIwZe4N

I’m sure their parents enjoyed the mental picture his jizz https://t.co/hSgbusAA47

Goddamn 57 yarder!

Step it up, @NatchTourism ! https://t.co/WAhhxp7pky

Did you guys know that we all get anywhere from 6 weeks to 9 months (depending on state) of house arrest credit, and now you get to do a free crime in 2021?

O’Henry twist: they had sold their stomachs to buy him a piggy bank.

(But seriously, what a great kid) https://t.co/KoE17lsHa7

Louis Armstrong on The Masked Singer would have been so easy.

I want to tweet something funny but I’m dead ass sober and can’t think of a thing.

hE bEaT oUt JoE BuRrOw In CoLlEgE https://t.co/7laMBKAqJn

True story about my friend Dottie when she was 10 or 11:

Waitress: and how do you want your eggs?

D: Deviled, please.

@mattkoonmusic @CoreyRForrester “Why this song hits” was just great. Hope you guys do more of those.

.@LSU Twitter. When are we going to see a baseball schedule?

🤷‍♂️ He thinks it’s really something that all his exes live in Texas, but no biggie that all his exes live in cities that rhyme with their own names.