Why I No Longer Get to Take Bubble Baths - http://t.co/5bC42Xh2

RT @brianhadad: Not like any of them have work or school tomorrow. @darrenrovell Picture of Bama fans shopping at the Academy store. h ...

I, for one, was charmed by #musberger's horney old man bit.

I went to Subway once and they were out of bread. All bread. True story.

It's hot in the sun and cold in the shade. I think this is what non complainers are talking about when they say "a really nice day."

Hey @BettyMWhite, you and I are in rarefied air, baby! http://t.co/Q9MpBnH2

RT @ChMaldonado: Being drunk enough to threaten strangers over some very sparsely occupied parade route "territory" at 1145 am is alcoho ...

RT @Gunnja: "Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb" -Batman. Superheroes now on PBS->Pioneers of Television

Can anyone account for Bobby Hebert when the power outage started?

RT @nprmonkeysee: They have to unscrew one bulb at a time to find the bad one.

I'd be as stupid as my dogs to pay $60 for an app to tell me that I have stupid dogs. http://t.co/oO8VEZz7

Has anyone ever rocked male pattern baldness better than Bozo or Gallagher?

How did "rodeo" get to be our default metaphor for "not our first?" Who the hell has actually been in a rodeo?

Wait, OneDirection and OneRepublic are different bands?

Sunk: The Incredible Truth About a Ship That Never Should Have Sailed http://t.co/pZ1Tn8KBnF

@EBJunkies I live in Louisiana but want to watch #TableManners. Can you send me the password for your Vulcano?

"I hate when Mardi Gras ends before I'm tired of King Cake" - @hs00

No Pope? I'm predicting a record number of Lenten Friday hamburgers tomorrow!

Everyone raise your hand if you've offered to take a little girl out to murder prostitutes!✋ http://t.co/FFtfnZ4wSy

When I was young and my sister got on my nerves, I would go quietly to the bathroom and swish her toothbrush in the toilet.

For those of you with prayer as part of your daily routine, don't forget a request that Vladimir Putin choke to death on a chicken bone.

My phone has decided to stop answering the Find iPhone app, which significantly reduces my quality of life.

In a plot that mirrors the Anyong gag, my toddler thinks the cleaning lady is named Ola.

I can't believe we spent recesses playing "Smear the Queer" without a teacher suggesting we find a more appropriate name for the game.

RT @totc: "In America, there might be better gastronomic destinations than New Orleans, but there is no place more uniquely... http://t. ...

Was feeling pretty good about my accomplishments today until a kid 27 years my junior made the cut at The Masters.

I can't believe I was born I to a family that doesn't have a bottle of Mount Gay in the cabinet.

1st grade homework: write sentence using "mother". My suggestion, "I hate these mother fucking sentences." was rejected by my 1st grader.

To this day, I don't think I would know how a bill becomes a law if not for Schoolhouse Rock when I was little.

My librarian draft was more exciting than this.

Rejected 1st grade homework answer today (sentence using MUST): "Papa must go to the pooper."

We just hit a record for number of people on the planet who are both drunk and wearing seersucker. #kyderby

There are a lot of women at dinner in Louisville right now with bad hat hair. #kyderby

For 20 years, every time I chop garlic I pretend I'm in the prison kitchen in Goodfellas, making Italian food with my gangstas.

I have no idea how Dick Trickle lived his whole life without becoming a spokesman for prostate awareness.

Picking up a bag of seedless grapes to snack on during the protest of genetically modified food.

I'm going to start on my mom's diet for lunch today. Where do I go to order two cigarettes, a Tab, and a piece of gum?

Just got to the point where I'm too drink to tweet.

Need to pee. Should I go to the bathroom, or would it be too obvious if I just go sit Indian style in the baby pool for 60 seconds?

Washingtonian | Shot Down http://t.co/SpJb0ULB0e (via Instapaper)

RT @Saints: Steve Gleason (@TeamGleason) wrote this week's @SIPeterKing MMQB column with his eyes: http://t.co/IA5UtMU9c3

.@jb Just realized that you're the whitey in your profile pic. Thought I was following an LSU football player!

I'm going to stuff a throw pillow with the abundant, downey ear hair that I have to shave off now that I'm old. #makinglemonade

Will never appear on one of my family member's autopsy reports: Died from lack of fried potatoes.

Dear Lord, take me now while my family will remember me fondly. Otherwise, I'm going to EXPLODE and be remembered as a monster. #roadtrip

Fact: Fenway's Green Monster is named for architect Mark Fenway's penis, which was large and infected with an unknown venereal disease.

Is there any brand name that sounds dirtier than Aer Lingus?

.@usatoday Article On Zimmerman Verdict Quotes A “Howie Felterbush” http://t.co/slaST8fS0g

I'd wear a hoodie tomorrow in support of Trayvon, but then I'd die of heatstroke. And after that, heatstroke would get away with it.

RT @pjwaldron: I still can't believe that Big Lots has not brought Sir Mixalot on board as a spokesperson.

If you schedule a daily 9:30 conference call with me, just know that I might be taking the call from the pooper.

Longform Reprints: Lifted by Evan Ratliff http://t.co/vybMem5kWq (via Instapaper)

RT @hs00: First time I have ever missed @totc but at least I am hard at work training the next generation #totc http://t.co/msumTql7sw

Doing handwriting with my finger, because Kolya likes biting the tips off my ipad stylus.

Back in my day, we had to write out our dirty text messages on paper, and try to remember to say them later. #CarlosDanger

I knew #CarlosDanger as a kid. Back then we just called him Charlie D.

Just fed the cat while my stomach was growling. #humanitarian

Kim Jong-il's Sushi Chef Kenji Fujimoto: Newsmakers: GQ http://t.co/FxhfypCwJB (via Instapaper)

An I the only one sitting alone and butt naked in the back yard listening to Markey Mark? http://t.co/ypiY6kdlno

If anyone I know has tried this, it's @TylerDrew. I need one just for the bottle. MT @brian_camus http://t.co/lDSOyXOMzq

RT @pourmecoffee: Under new NC law, student IDs are no longer sufficient to vote. You need to have a driver's license or a Reagan tattoo.

"Dear God, please forgive John for being a dick today." -- from the mouths of churchy coworkers.

For everyone willing to get naked, there are thousands of dudes horney for exactly what you've got.

If the only people who ever drank Mich Ultra were Our Lady of Mercy parents, they would still have a viable market.

We should let the current Guantanamo prisoners free and replace them with people who want to talk between stalls in office restrooms.

Woman in front of me at pharmacy when asked her kid's date of birth: (shaking head slowly) "I don't know which one you are using."

RT @funnyordie: We changed all of Cathy's "Aack's" to "Fuck's" and made that comic strip about a million times better: http://t.co/gVAC3lxD…

.@LSU's President is F. King Alexander. When you just glance, his first name is the present participle form of a really bad word.

Watching @VeepHBO on HBOGo. Season 2 is the funniest TV I've seen in a long time.

"I hope I don't have a cat, because if I do, that fucker's dead" -- DC workaholics and amnesiacs.

So ready for college football that I'd kiss Verne Lundquist. But then again, who wouldn't?

CFB has started! @GenoEspn explains why I have a boner that won't go down until Sunday morning. http://t.co/dBHCkikVdS

The Extraordinary Science of Addictive Junk Food http://t.co/OWdLw0QHOw (via @Instapaper)

When they put an epileptic into an ambulance, I hope they turn off the flashing lights, so as not to cause an endless seizure loop.

Raise your hand if you're a dumb shit who just electrocuted himself.... Just me then?

RT @Gunnja: “@theferocity: When I was in NO on a gay history tour & guide said Tennessee Williams was a top,I spit out my drink.” <~@hs00 @…

I'll be glad when the pumpkin spice lattes hit the stores, because to be honest, that's about the only serving of vegetables I get.

RT @GulfSails: If you don't drink with sailors you haven't heard shit. Period.

Whatever you do today, make sure it doesn't include a Google image search on "ostrich poop."

"You're young enough to be the baby my high school girlfriend aborted!" --inappropriate way to express shock at a new coworker's youth.

I took Mike Wallace in the 5th round of my fantasy football draft and in the 3rd round of my dead news anchors draft.

@RealGilbert Oliver Stone's best movie about a picnic: Corn on the Fourth of July

I'd rather set my penis on fire than visit the Government St Post Office in Baton Rouge.

It is kind of weird that Condi Rice will have a say in who plays for college football's national championship, but I won't.

What vegetables are dedicated to the preservation of sea life? Green Peas.

I have more topless photos of Vladimir Putin on my phone than topless photos of ex-girlfriends. :-(

Whose kids' candy stash is down to just dum dums and almond joys?

In five years, you won't find a soul who will admit to have had a stick figure family on his rear windshield.

.@KingsOfLeon will probably out out a dud of an album someday, but it hasn't happened yet. I think Mechanical Bull is my favorite yet.

Hey fundamentalists: abortions are way low amongst homosexual couples. Just sayin.

That Toronto mayor makes Ray Nagin look like John Adams.

"Why am I listening to these clowns?" --everyone who got in their car and found the radio tuned to Mike & Mike this morning.

A strong password is one where you fuck it up a few times and get through just in time to prevent account lockout.

I hope the site where we sign our relatives up for Obamacare death panels rolls out more smoothly than http://t.co/P4JuQskz4E.

RT @thehighsign: Original Welsh lyrics to the tune we now think of as Deck the Halls have nothing to do w/ Christmas & are kinda racy: http…

Listening to my "Best of 2013" Playlist. http://t.co/D9cRR79xvP