RT @kbabin76: Spread the word: buddy's sports talk launches thurs Jan 5th from 1-3pm on 1590AM KKAY thx for ur support!!

I guess the reason God called Michele Bachmann to run is to prevent whatever crazy shit she would have otherwise been doing.

I weigh 750lbs, and my parents are cousins too! RT @thejimmygraham Bama fans keep screaming out "roll tide" to me! What does that mean?

RT @pourmecoffee: Happy Birthday to A.A. Milne, author of Winnie the Pooh or first man to walk on Saturn. Can't check Wikipedia to find ...

data mart #LingoThatPutsMeOnTilt

Wit and talent demonstrated without a word. http://t.co/CSgSpCyI

"I don't have the hallucinations or delusions that a lot of people have." #InfoYouDon'tWantToShareWithTheWholeCoffeeShop

The #MASHEDPOTATO! thing in golf really makes me laugh. Not sure why. http://t.co/bnOLg4NR

A must-watch: RT @slateviral: Scottish guy tries to order a sandwich through iPhone's Siri, hilarity ensues. http://t.co/ryJh87vx

Well, this explains my overwhelming murderous rages this week. Thanks Madonna! http://t.co/W07EETyA

@vdoozer strong kcrw interview. I've never watched 1 second of CougarTown, but I'll check it out.

Spent Mardi Gras in Mamu. Cajun Name That Tune is the hardest game ever.

Rush thinks women who need birth control are sluts? Sounds like somebody hasn't gotten laid in a long, long time.

Shoutout to you Shelly! RT @pourmecoffee If you know any sluts, call and just let them know you are thinking of them. It's been a tough week

I think I'll start a radio show where ALL I do is pick random people from obscure news stories and call them sluts.

Man, that president obama is a nerd. http://t.co/XRs8kHhl

Crap, today was Super Tuesday? Thought it was next week. Had my cape dry cleaned for nothing.

"I'm no Vanderbilt, but this train makes hay." http://t.co/36Wus3bS

Holy shit. Drop what you're doing and watch now. RT @jdickerson: This is some extraordinary acoustic guitar playing. http://t.co/Jzpadr8p

RT @EricIGN: As "Zou Bisou Bisou" madness sweeps the nation, you can now buy Jessica Pare's Mad Men version http://t.co/oULMxmMy #madmen ...

I wonder how they got home. RT @cstephens1129 the SLI bus getting towed mid-game last night http://t.co/DiNsgEWF

RT @JohnTheBastard: The most frequently occurring plot hole in film and television is the one where some dude is attracted to Sarah Jess ...

Can we let this be the impetus to universal agreement that The Fray sucks? http://t.co/PlcrnIxw

On the phone with @humana for 30 minutes. Gave date and reference number on the letter they sent me, but they are clueless.

@NewOrleansSail better change your twitter pw. Got a dm an hour ago that's a link to a phishing site.

RT @NewOrleansSail: 10 on the trap. Cool!! Tacking!!! http://t.co/3gCtwEJK

In a city where most public schools aren't fit to educate the children, Baton Rouge rallies around...wait for it...food trucks.

Sean Payton should definitely do Dancing With The Stars in the fall. @Official_Saints, how do we make that happen?

I love school zones. They give me a chance to slow down and send texts.

What are the rules for capitalizing in titles? I was never taught this stuff. http://t.co/sIUGgAHy

RT @JennyJohnsonHi5: You can't blow a hologram :( RT @KimKardashian: Just now seeing this Tupac hologram at Coachella!!! Wish I was ther ...

Isn't it great? RT @gunnja LOVED the 'single girl again" video!!! loved loved loved it (@thedirtdaubers http://t.co/CGBUJyif)

If a celeb RTs you just because you tweeted "how about a RT from ," it doesn't count. (And you need to get a life.) (for @bwing38 fans)

Morris Claiborne: First player drafted with as many kids as Wonderlic points. #geauxtigers

Regardless of whether "irregardless" is a word, they're using the shit out of it in this meeting I'm in.

Holy shit, I picked up a follow from @joehorn87! Quick, I need a one-liner about BBQ sauce!

"every man's castle should have a queen with huge tits." hilarious. RT @JennyJohnsonHi5: In case you missed... http://t.co/BC1Ql1QS

@EBJunkies streaming on ipad from baton rouge http://t.co/E3s07nAw

I bet it's a huge slap in the face when you add to Wikipedia, and someone comes behind you and adds a "citation needed" superscript.

I forgive Mitt's youthful bullying, as long as we also agree that all of the stupid shit I did in college doesn't count any more either.

Great writing... http://t.co/bNWxBymj #Kindle

@DavidWondrich Just make the #totc cocktail winner. Very nice. Think I'll make another.

@MySurveyExpert Not sure if we should make fun of this guy, or offer him a job. http://t.co/WiAamqhU

Laughing too hard to breathe. @realgilbert reads #50ShadesofGrey. http://t.co/vH7tenL0

One day, my kids might find an old lady in scrubs, driving around on a four wheeler, as funny as I do. Right now, it's totally normal.

RT @JennyJohnsonHi5: I have a difficult time investing in Facebook, mainly because it's the place where people I went to high school wit ...

RT @pjwaldron: Dear people who say ˝supposably˝: you are probably thinking of ˝opposable.˝ As in thumbs. Which you may not be evolved en ...

Tv theme singer on America's Got Talent just got me to check to see if The Love Boat is on streaming Netflix. (It isn't.)

Lottery balls on my mind. Even though I'm an LSU fan, that's different from testicles on my face.

RT @Dave_Matter: Favorite scene of the day: Les Miles high fives Steve Spurrier in the hallway, shouts, "Hey, Coach, I should have worn ...

RT @NewOrleansSail: Another beautiful sunset on Lake Pontchartrain. http://t.co/1H6JT7WX

RT @johnfreiler: wtf? RT @EgglandsBest Go ahead, buy those A&P brand eggs. They're as dried out as the ones in your sad, useless ova ...

Everyone realizes that little Gene has been missing for 8 months. #MadMenFinalePredictions

Camera backs off to Adam Wickman peering into snow globe. Reveals that he imagined the whole series. #MadMenFinalePredictions

We should see some great horses @fairgroundsnola next season. New derby qualifying rules do us right!

RT @NewOrleansSail: Sunset Sailing on the Southshore http://t.co/WHxXO4HV

New AP Style Manual says no to "jorts.". Fashion writers in Gainsville scream in dispair.

I have no idea why the eff my parents have this notepad. I wish I were kidding. http://t.co/TEzezHhY

I wore my favorite old yellow swimsuit for 30 straight hours this weekend. #iwishiwasjoking

Life's Rich Pageant: Webb Simpson Wins U.S. Open, Has Trophy Ceremony Invaded By Squawking British Man - @Deadspin http://t.co/8HoX1oSU

I worry that the cleaning lady counts my underwear and wonders if I go cowboy, or if I just don't change them every day.

How many millions of Americans are right now furiously deleting last night's drunk tweets?

Whoever is drinking from the bottle with lowest proof is in charge of the baby.

RT @BScalabrine24: Instead of taking down Joe #Paterno's statue #PennState should just turn it so he's looking the other way

RT @Slate: Awesomest thing on the web this week (stay for the final, italicized footnote): http://t.co/uyjHIwRV #physics #baseball

Chase Daniel: "Whew! Thought I was gonna have to find my copy of the play book for a minute." #whodat

Can someone get @JennyJohnsonHi5 to properly lambast @celebboutique before their apology starts seeming sincere?

Grambling and Florida State fans enjoying a guilty pleasure, now that their coaches are back atop the record books.

Is there anyone with tattoo knuckles who by now DOESN'T want to kill themselves when they see their hands?

Do you live in a church county, or a beer county? http://t.co/a0uwZbdv

RT @wwozneworleans: Amazing RT @alisonfnola: #RIPShermanHelmsley with zydeco Jeffersons theme, via Keith Frank. http://t.co/WI9zWww8

If this rain would stop, I'd walk down to the Royal Sonesta to meet Isaac from The Love Boat. #totc

RT @NOTSportsCenter: Ryan Lochte could cure cancer during a race & NBC would air it 6 hours later with the cure portion removed for ...

Can we agree that all future summer Olympics be held where it's warm enough to shed the tights during beach volleyball?

Why stop at turducken? Where's the brave Cajun who will stuff a turducken into a goat into a pig into a cow?

What happened to Pussy Riot today is absolute bullshit. I do care, but I probably wouldn't post but for the chance to type "Pussy Riot."

Do real women walk around the house in robes with green shit all over their face, or is that just a tv thing?

RT @MittRomney I'm excited to announce my running mate on the GOP Presidential ticket: the Mars Rover Curiosity. Romney/Curiosity 2012!

Shit. DVR isn't set. #hurryupandsleepbabyk RT @EBJunkies: 6 minutes from #HardKnocks

I don't know what happened on your tv tonight, but on mine, @lolojones took the gold. #geauxtigers

RT @VDOOZER: Somewhere, 24 hrs a day, a Russian gymnast is crying.

Now I look like a damned fool in that honey badger dye job I got yesterday.

If you'd say "have a nice weekend" to a customer at Lowe's on Saturday, you're already too late.

Kid at next table has on camo pattern crocs & socks. Just because your kid can't be as cute as mine is no reason to give up. Try a little.

For some reason, the phrase "long dong silver" just popped into my head. Thanks for the chuckle, Clarence Thomas.

Dead. Closeted massage pervert. And dead. Bad year for sweathogs.

Watching Coach Boring cut Chad Johnson on Hard Knocks is t he most riveting, uncomfortable, real TV I've ever seen.

Were you up there exorcising demons, or just denying science? RT @BobbyJindal: Great crowds for Romney-Ryan rallies in Marshalltown & Cedar.

RT @jdickerson: Same here! Kid just flicks ashes on the floor. MT @jpodhoretz: True story & sign of the times--my 8 y.o. has no idea ...

"After downing 70 chicken wings in about an hour, Andrew Walen realized he had a problem.". Not after 50? http://t.co/kbG6w0IN

Every time one of my facebook friends likes @MittRomney's page, Jesus gives a cute little kid the Chicken Pox. #consequences

If you think an orgasm is better than the peach cobbler I made tonight, then you're just straight up wrong.

RT @aaronpk: I thought I was going to stop using Twitter because of their ToS changes. Turns out it's because of this: http://t.co/PtaZ8p1t

Way to keep it a secret that you can turn off rape pregnancies. Also that you can shoot lightning from your tits to stop upskirt photos.

Wish I hadn't just thrown my used band aid into my finished drink cup. Now I want to eat the ice but can't.

It's a good thing that I never tried heroin, because I don't have the willpower to not eat a cookie. http://t.co/Ng5n1ga5

Made it through the day without seeing naked pics of Prince Harry. (But tell me, does he have a big dong?)

All morning I thought my phone was cooked. It wouldn't come on, no matter how long I left it plugged in. It wasn't dead - just powered off.

Awesome! MT @frankiii: My lightning shot of the BR skyline made Matador's list of top lightning shots. http://t.co/DmxrRZ5K

Whereas yours offer a guy who reads a teleprompter like a slow 3rd grader. RT @BobbyJindal: Obama's gaffes offer a peek of his real philo...

During cartoons I turn on the closed captioning, then congratulate myself for reading to my kids.

RT @ReillyRick: Alvin Dark once said, "They'll put a man on the moon B4 Gaylord Perry hits a HR." 3 minutes after Neill Armstrong walked ...

I can't believe it's never crossed my mind to have sex with a donut before. I love them, and we match up anatomically.

.@wafb just tweeted that most of the power outages in Tangipahoa Parish are where most of the people live. Brilliant journalism. #isaac

RT @reedtimmerTVN: Wild hogs trapped in the parking garage with us from this storm surge S of Waveland, MS. http://t.co/hh6otsdE #isaa ...

Poor @hs00 is drunk, but she can't make calls and run her mouth, 'cause it's huricaning outside and #att sucks too much to work indoors.

They've got Pay at the Pump figured out. Let's get to work on Pee at the Pump.

Long read, but great story on the workings of drug cartels. http://t.co/gVo8oxqk

Fascinating long read on a cheater. Wish they had figured out how. http://t.co/Vqk2YCi6

If a woman doesn't like anal sex, she can actually grow teeth from her butt cheeks. #toddaikenbiology

Isn't there room on my card's magnetic strip to code whether it's credit or debit? Just one bit saves every cashier hours/week.

Last week's wrong-way punt return is butt funny. http://t.co/5CrVpUbr

God, political conventions make even my first-rate twitter feed into a snooze fest.

No such thing as too much topless Vladimir Putin. RT @nytimes: Putin Flying With Migratory Birds http://t.co/wRwi5K7m

Has to be @drewbrees behind this, right? RT @RVacchianoNYDN: plane circling the Meadowlands pulling a banner that reads "FREE SEAN PAYTON"

The telemarketer I talked to today gave a better speech than Joe Biden. Literally.

RT @DanHellie: Eating dinner in New Orleans and this is hanging on wall of restaurant #commish http://t.co/9wIpquBN

Like nobody else, I can carry a baby outside, with my pinkie holding up my shorts by the beltloop, and my other hand holding a cocktail.

Fuck. I just sent @drewbrees a disrespectful tweet. This must be what Baptists feel when they screw before marriage. #guilty

@Gunnja lifting the glass for you, just for being an interactive friend in twitter. Cheers.

RT @JennyJohnsonHi5: Ugh. I made a grammatical error in a tweet. Now I have to murder a Puerto Rican hooker. Rules are rules :(

Probable that I'm more likely to die from breathing the city's mosquito spray than from the West Nile that said spray exterminates?

My favorite hour of the week is the one where I listen to @Ivan_Maisel and @GenoEspn harass each other on ESPN's college football podcast.

True. Not schtick. RT @JohnTheBastard: Today I learned that walking around naked in front of kittens is not safe if you’re a dude.

Partysaurus Rex! http://t.co/fVUYYSkM

If you write me in for president and I win, I'll immediately request a hefty tax on all political tweets and FB statuses

Donut store full of dads with kids so moms in BR can get some post-football sleep.

I'm laying in the dark, listening to music with a baby, reading a feed full of "Whole binders full of women." Interesting #debate going on?

Whole binders full of women? I thought I was the only one collecting WNBA cards!

What he meant was " whole grinders full of women." He eats them on bread.

Air Canada Pilots, Passengers Spot Sailor Stranded at Sea - cool link back @Gunnja http://t.co/z6DLbXgq

Was excited to see that the @Saints lead in total defense, until I realized that I was holding the list upside down. (MT @moneymetalcakes)

RT @GulfSails: Well that was fast. "@PRCNO: N.O. facilities to get repairs - FEMA grants millions for marina damaged in hurricane http:/ ...

RT @KeithSperaTP: Watching #Saints game at portable Bud Light bar at #VoodooFest while listening to Jack White. That makes him world's b ...

If you buy a boat to cruise the BVIs, you can steal this boat name: Anagada Di Vida

If you really want to know what a natural disaster looks like, you should've been there to take a gander at my morning poo. #sandy

With the most populous corridor of the country home from work & without power, I'm expecting a lightning-fast internet today. Thanks #sandy!

If you're tweet starts with "ICYMI", I'm already reading the next one down the list before I get to the M.

My fat doppleganger. http://t.co/cC0TpO12

Cool, I hate to admit. @TylerDrew MT @tracywolfson: A towel in the shape of an elephant in my room http://t.co/uEeeTlAS

If you can sing all of the Gangnam Style lyrics, University of Phoenix will let you claim a minor in Korean.

RT @darrenrovell: UPS sponsors Notre Dame, but Fighting Irish fans are told on website they will get their BCS tickets via FedEx.

How did I pick up a follow from @lacarettads, but not from the LaCaretta 2 blocks from my house?

How did "a brick shithouse" become the go-to simile for something solidly built?

That wasn't just a bowel movement. That was the whole bowel symphony!

You never see whoop-ass sold by the can any more.

I bet all the 93 year olds are mad that The Christmas Song has stopped offering them this simple phrase.

Yeah, @BobbyJindal, but dinosaurs overused birth control in the days they walked with Jesus and Soloman, and look where that got them.

Can't believe iTunes Store doesn't have Fat Boys "My Nutz." How am I supposed to introduce a 6-year of to genialia-related 80s classics?

If your favorite restaurant doesn't have the second half of this sign, you're eating pubes. http://t.co/B02Rrbi5

I figured that with the end of the world and all, yesterday was the day to run naked through the office. #todaymightbeawkward