The Bad Things I've Done

March 16, 2005

I think most people worry from time to time that they need to be better people. I'm not immune to such thoughts, so I started to take stock in the bad things that I've done.

I guess the first things that come to mind are that I like to drink, gamble, and eat too many cookies. But like all drinkers, gamblers, and overeaters, I maintain that these vices cause no harm to others, and I therfore dismiss them from the list of bad things that I do.

In high school, I used to sneak out of the house from time to time. Mostly, this was to toilet paper another house in the neighborhood. and usually, whoever got it deserved it. But not always.

I did lots of mean things to my sister when I was growing up. If I would yell at her good and loud, I could really put a scare into her. More evil though, is the time that I swished her toothbrush in the toilet, and then put it back. I don't know if I ever fessed up to that one.

College was the golden years for my evil half. Most memorably were years of harrassment that I gave our housemother. If I get started listing all of the bad things that I did to Miss Mary, this post would run for pages and pages. Perhaps I'll elaborate in the future.

I also used to pull up all of the flowers from the sority houses quite a bit. I did this for one amazing reason: by the time I went outside to go to class the next morning, the gardeners would have my vandalized beds back in ship-shape. I bet the girls at those houses didn't even know about this vandilization.

Once, when a friend of mine had gotten a poor grade, we went to the engineering building at night, and I took a dump in front of the professor's door. I feel bad for the janitor who had to clean that up.

While I was in school, I was a teller. Just about every afternoon, when I would get thirsty, I would short five customers in a row 10 cents each. Then, I would use the 50 cents to buy a coke. Who would go back to the bank drive through just for ten cents? I just figured out that if I had stayed a teller, and continued to do that for all of these years, I would have embezzled around $1600 by now.

Although Johanna is one of my favorite co-workers, she was the victim of my "truck nuts" prank, and many a sudden scare.

Now that I'm a grown-up, it's harder for me to think of any really bad things that I've done. At work, I like to sometimes send emails from other people's computers. My favorite time was when I sent an email from one sales rep to the rest of the sales department (including her boss) that was something to the effect of, "If you were wondering what to get me for Christmas, I would really like some truck nuts!"

I also like to scare the s--t out of coworkers while they work quietly in their office. Seeing someone jump out of their skin never quits being funny. A sudden maniacal screen will also scare people walking or jogging through the neighborhood too. Neeless to say, I don't do this too close to home.