Top Five Things That Aren't Happening

Here are the top five things that are not happening this week.

5. Parlays Getting Cashed

You already know how wild this weekend's college football results were. I just needed a #5, because top 4 things is a dumb list. But it's true that I don't have a winning football parlay yet this season.

4. Very Many Chores

The home to-do list doesn't get any shorter just because big dudes are throwing the pigskin around. So Mrs. theskinnyonbenny hired a handyman to knock down the list a bit, so I can enjoy this beautiful weather in front of my favorite four-screen setup.

She picked a husband and wife team who seem very nice, but who aren't super speedy. They worked for a couple of days and then sent me a supply list to pick up. But I didn't realize the scope of their task, and I didn't notice the quantity column for the lumber (I know, dumb), so we rolled into Saturday morning with the deck torn out in spots where I couldn't get out to the Regal Beagle.

Saturday arrives, and it's really the first perfect football weather day. So bummed Saturday morning. So for the 11:00 games, we went to the Towne Center Walk-Ons. This leads us to the next thing that isn't happening on Fall weeekends...

3. Second Servings of the Free Touchdown Shots at Walk-Ons

Walk Ons ends up being a fun place to watch an away home game that kicks off before noon. The bar had enough fans for it to be a fun place, but not so many that anyone had to stand up. After LSU's first touchdown, a guy came around and offered everyone a free shot. About 2/3 of us accepted, including me.

It was so sweet, that straight sugar would have been less shocking on the palette. It must have been corn syrup mixed with... I don't even know what. I didn't taste any flavors or any booze. The lady next to me exclaimed, "This shot just gave me diabedes."

The sad untouched second shot

When LSU scored its second touchdown, he passed back by and refilled all of the empty shot glasses.

When LSU scored its third touchdown, he passed through again, but almost every shot glass was still untouched from the second round. Mine sat sadly full next to me until the end of the game.

Our deck was repaired enough to watch the afternoon games at home where we belong.

2. Cutting Off Kid's Penises

Tis also the season of the political advertisement, and someone -- not even sure who -- ran an ad with scary words about schools performing sex-change operations on their students.

I know. It's too stupid to write about. Yet here we are.

Mrs. theskinnyonbenny reminded me that there was a stack of paperwork, including something that had to be filled out by Ko's doctor, just to give the school permission to administer a Tylenol if he should have a headache.

"You dare me to email the nurse and say that I do not consent to any plans to cut off my child's penis?" I asked. The thought tickles me, but I don't want to end up on whatever list they would have me on if I did that.

1. Josh Allen Shilling for a Product He Doesn't Actually Endorse

If your viewing habits are like mine, you have seen the Josh Allen pistachio nut commercial a couple of dozen times. But you may have instinctually ignored the fine print on the screen that appears when he says that he grows pistachios.

I'm not going to sit here and google all night for someone else's screen grab, but the little print says, "Seriously, Josh Allen really owns a pistachio farm."

Since they use the same print that the drug companies use to tell you that the medicine just might make your dick fall off, I take this as truth.