My Goings-on and an Abbreviated Mailbag

I haven't updated my site too much lately, and there are a lot of reasons for that. First off, I've been busy at work, and there are three things that make it hard for me to post about my work life:

1. The risk of giving away some supposedly confidential information, and thus terminating my employment
2. The even risk of causing my employers grief and embarrassment, and thus terminating my employment. To that end, I am refraining from posting a recent picture where I took the stock photo of new (and bald) Equifax CEO Rick Smith and gave him a full head of hair, a big porn mustache, and a hairy bare chest. I'm sure it's spot-on how he looked in the mid 70s.
3. The fact is, that most of the geek stuff I do at work is pretty boring.

The second reason that I haven't done much posting is that I've been pretty darned busy away from the office too. Of course, there's basketball. When both of your school's teams are making a run to their final fours, there's a huge demand on you for hoops viewing. I end up watching every game, as if my scouting the other teams can help LSU in some sort of way. I could go on and on, but other than yesterday's short little post, I've written about nothing but basketball in a couple of weeks. I'm afraid I'll start getting the comments like, "who the f--- are you, and what makes you such a basketball expert?" And we know that I don't want to have to come down on some fool about the extent of my expertise.

Also on the home front is a project that I just finished to put new floors and baseboards upstairs. It's pretty much done now, but I spent most evenings up there last week, and then finished the paint yesterday.

The last distraction that I'll report is that I got a new video ipod, and a cooler gadget is yet to be invented. So that demanded that I rip videos to mp4, and update my itunes library (now venturing into geek speak...). Now I just have to find that video of the puppet dog making fun of the Star Wars nerds, so I can watch it whenever I want.

Anyway, since I really have nothing to say, I'll share a quick email exchange that I recently enjoyed:

From: Clarence Darrow [sue_you_bigtime@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, February 28, 2006 1:49 AM
To: Ben Schultz
Subject: Libelous statements

Dear Mr. TheSkinnyOnBenny,

IF that is your REAL name!
This is to notify you that our law firm has been retained by a person in your city who claims that you have libeled him on your alleged web site. According to our client, you have besmirched his good name, have held him up to the ridicule of his peers, and have damaged his reputation with local employers.
My client insists that you remove all references to him on your web site, derogatory or otherwise, and that you desist from any such statements, written or oral, in the future. Should you refuse to do so, you will be served with the appropriate papers and the matter will be brought before a civil court as our client has instructed my firm. He will seek damages in the high 6 or 7 figures.
And, though I have not mentioned my client's name, I believe you know full well of whom I speak. However, just to insure that there is no misunderstanding, I will inform you that our client, the fine young man whose boots you are not worthy of licking and who may never fully recover from the psychological abuse and ridicule to which you have subjected him is that paragon of civility and exemplar of kindness ... none other than Mr. Tyler Cummings!
I await your, no doubt, inadequate response.

Yours truly,

Clarence Darrow, Esq.

In case you were put off and just skimmed the message, or in case you just don't read very well, here are the things that were especially funny:

• writer bothered to create email address of sue_you_bigtime@yahoo.com
• "IF that is your REAL name!"
• "the fine young man whose boots you are not worthy of licking"

I think there was a follow up note after I didn't respond to this one, but I don't see where I saved it. I guess it wasn't as brilliantly written. Anyway, when I finally responded, it went like this...

From: Your Fired [sueyoubigtime @gmail.com]
Date: Mar 8, 2006 4:16 PM
Subject: Re: Libelous statements
To: Your Fired [sueyoubigtime @gmail.com]


My Dear Mr. Darrow,

Please be advised that Mr. theskinnyonbenny has retained my services, in order to respond to your most preposterous and ludicrous claims sent by email in recent weeks. The content which you describe is indeed far from being deleterious, detrimental, disadvantageous, evil, harmful, injurious, nocent, nocuous, or even prejudicial. The content regarding Mr. Cummings on theskinnyonbenny.com is in fact what has propelled Mr. Cummings into a state of celebrity, and is among the main reasons that he hold his current position as a pillar in our society. Many of his interviews in the press, and his recent appearance on "Live with Regis and Kelly" can be traced back to the free advertising that he receives from this site.

We will thank you now to renounce your silly little campaign against Mr. theskinnyonbenny. You will no doubt be awed by his ability to secure such impressive legal council, and discontinue your action post haste.

We retain the opportunity to counter-sue, for the damage and lost revenue that your actions are costing Mr. theskinnyonbenny.

Or to put it another way,

If the web-site don't malign,
Your ass will be mine!

Sincerely,

Johnny Cochran

...to which I received this response...

From: Clarence Darrow [sue_you_bigtime @yahoo.com]
Date: Mar 11, 2006 9:02 PM
Subject: Re: Libelous statements
To: Your Fired [sueyoubigtime @gmail.com]

Dear Mr. Cochran,

My Fired what?

Oh, you must have meant "You're" instead of "Your", but that inattention to detail is precisely why I shall prevail in this little legal matter.

I will not bother to point out the outrageous inaccuracies in your note as you know very well what they are. However, the fact remains that I doubt very much if you have any grounds to counter-sue "for the damage and lost revenue that your actions are costing Mr. theskinnyonbenny." It is a well known fact that theskinnyonbenny.com is a money losing proposition and, in fact, is on the verge of bankruptcy. In support of that claim, I offer evidence that Mr. theskinnyonbenny often shaves his head in order to sell his hair for extra income in the attempt to keep the site afloat.

Be that as it may, despite whatever my client, Mr. Cummings, may have been saying at work, he has directed me to press forward in his demand to have any reference to him or his works removed from your client's web site. The poor lad is on the verge of an emotional breakdown over this continued harrassment.

Pressing matters prevent me from continuing this particular email, but I do feel it incumbent upon me to point out, Mr. Cochran, that you are legally dead and, therefore, are unable to initiate a legal action of any sort.

While it must be admitted that I, Clarence Darrow, am also legally dead, I died first, so I can claim the right of Primus Mortificus Judiciare and conduct all current legal affairs with the able assistence of the disembodied spirit of Spencer Tracy or his estate's attorneys. I believe that Mr. theskinnyonbenny may be familiar with Mr. Tracy's spirit, as he has glimpsed his youthful apparition on the second floor of a house near to his own on more than one occassion.

Proceed at your own peril, Mr. Cochran.

Yours truly,
Clarence Darrow, Esq. (deceased)

Ahh yes, there's a grammatical error in the name. Any reader of this page should be less than surprised. Here's an offer that stands for any of you: find three more writing errors on the current page, print them out, and mail them to me. Include a $3.50 handling fee, and I'll send you a free box of Girl Scout Cookies!

Um, I also feel compelled to point out the misspelled words "harassment, assistence, and occassion, which I would have never noticed without a spellcheck.