Too Much Masturbation

On the Wednesday the week of my Las Vegas trip, I checked out of the MGM (work trip) and into Caesar's (my trip). I had just gotten up to my room in the newest tower at Caesar's when my cell phone rang.

It was Sharples. "Hey, what are you doing?"

"Nothing. I just got up to the room."

"Well, you oughtta go rub one off in that big marble bathroom up there."

What a pleasant thought.

(And -- as if I needed to go to the bathroom. I had the whole hotel room to myself. I could rub one off anywhere I wanted.)

Anyway, I laughed to myself about this for a good two days. Ever since then, I've made a note of the euphemisms for masturbation as I've used them, recalled them, or heard them used. Here are the others that made list.

• Choke the chicken, spanking the monkey, beating ones meat Animal abuse is a common theme. I list these because they're so prevalent, and to encourage you to drop them. They aren't funny. To be honest, they never really were, but they're especially not-funny now that they get constant use.
• Wanking This import from Britain seems to be skyrocketing in use by us Yanks. I'm not sure why, but it is an unobjectionable way to say it.
• Feed the ducks I remember my buddy Perv using this expression once about a million years ago. I didn't get it, until he had me visualize male masturbation while standing up. Pretty much the same motion as feeding ducks. Don't you agree>
• Getting the last pickle out of the jar This one is for the ladies. I don't think any additional elaboration is necessary.
• Cheating on your other hand I can't remember who I know that says this. But I know I hear it said every once in a while.
• Having a staff meeting I just saw that used recently on someone else's blog. I think it's hilarious, and hope to remember it at during an appropriate conversation one day.
• Dropping the kids off at the pool Those who drop real kids off at real swimming pools this summer will now flinch as they drive off every morning.
• Badgering the witness This one is clever. I laughed.
• Checking for squirrels Another one for the ladies. Crude enough that you would prefer to stifle that involuntary laughter.
• Jerkin one's gherkin A cousin of mine told some story to the rest of us (this was when we were all kids), about some old geezer who was quoted as saying, "Boys, now don't go around jerkin' your gherkin'." I don't know if the story is true, but the rhyme is nice, and the visual that it gives is pretty accurate, assuming you know the definition of gherkin.

I figured that there were web sites dedicated to the topic of "other phrases for masturbation," and of course there are. The funniest ones I saw were here, but even that page has a lot of clunkers. It turns out that quantity does not correspond to "more funny" when it comes to this topic.

There were two definitions on urbandictionary.com that warrant a mention. The definitions provided are theirs.

• California Style A strange form of masturbation where (if right handed) you lift your right leg up and put your right arm underneath your right leg. You then proceed to whack off with your arm underneath your leg. To be done correctly, the inside of your elbow should be rubbing against the bottom of your thigh.
• The Danger Stranger This is an intense form of masturbation. Combining the popular stranger method with the less-known danger method. You sit on your hand until it falls asleep. You then proceed to start whacking off so it feels like someone else is doing it, and about halfway through, you yell out for your mom very loud so that she hears you. This is what makes it dangerous, you have to finish the job before she makes it to your room to see you doing your business. Be very careful, for as exciting as this may sound, it has gotten many a young man in a lot of trouble.

California Style? You must be kidding me. Please, please, please send me an email if you are a California Style enthusiast.

Now, aren't you glad I don't have any pictures on this post?