Stuff White People Like

April 23, 2008

A couple of months ago, I started hearing a conversation here, a radio host there, maybe an occasional podcast where someone pulled a joke from Several times, I thought, "That sounds amusing. I should check it out." But thoughts like that are quickly out of mind.

Then, I got an email from Timmy B. telling me to check it out. When I did, I had the feeling that you would have if you took down your bathroom mirror and found a hidden camera there to record your life.

It's much like I thought that the producers of The Office must be spying on APPRO Systems. The writers of this blog can't be my friends or family. They have to be spies. They know more than my friends.

It's difficult to pick examples, because almost every entry is relevant to me. But here are some that I enjoyed. Quoted paragraphs are from the pages referenced.

#1 Coffee
This one was a no-brainer, and a good pick for the #1 item on the list. "They are also fond of saying, 'you do NOT want to see me before I get my morning coffee.' White guys will also call it anything but coffee: 'rocket fuel,' 'java,' 'joe,' 'black gold,' and so forth."

#14 Having Black Friends
Every white person wants a black friend like Barack: good-looking, well-spoken, and non-violent. Obviously, whites want black friends so as not to appear racist

#16 Gifted Children
"I’m pretty sure the last non-gifted white child was born in 1962 in Reseda, CA. Since then, it’s been a pretty sweet run." Isn't that the truth? Here's the irony: the closer you are to a set of friends, the less you have to hear about what geniuses they produced. If you only hear from a set of friends once a year, you can bet that you'll be sitting through a long explaination of how little Johnny just about split the atom during last year's science fair.

#23 Microbreweries
I think beer's reached the point where I could choose a different brand every day, and never have a repeat beer for the rest of my life. This is a good thing. Or, as our site puts it... "Being able to walk into a bar and order a beer that no one has heard of makes white people feel good about their alcohol drinking palate."

#32 Vegetarianism
I had a year-long submission into Vegetarianism, although it wasn't militantly enforced. I'm not nuts about inhumane treatment of animals on the feed lots, and I'll buy organic if I have the choice and there's not too much of a price difference. But still. "If you require a favor from a vegetarian white person, you should invite them to a dinner with your family. When your mother/grandmother offers them a dish with meat in it, they will reject it saying that they are vegetarian. When the meal is over, tell them that your mom is very embarrassed, and that in your culture rejecting food is the equivalent of spitting on someone’s grave. They will then owe you favor, this can be repeated when you need trips to the airport, someone to help you move, a small interest free loan, or a place for your friend to crash."

#36 Breakfast Places
Do the brothers not like breakfast places? Who would have known?

#38 Arrested Development
Three years ago, I mentioned in a post how good a show this was. I can't believe I haven't mentioned it since, but I've watched the whole series twice, and I'm ready to start on it again. There are rumors of getting the cast together for a movie, which I hope happens soon. "If you are ever a white person’s house, and you see an orange box in their DVD collection, you should say, 'Oh, you have Arrested Development, I love that show!' To which you will be offered a glass of wine, and perhaps an invitation to 80s night."

#53 Dogs
"It should be understood that in white culture, dogs are considered training for having children. That is to say that any white couple must get a dog before they have kids." No joke here. That's 100% true. That's exactly how white people think.

#61 Bicycles
"And of course, it goes without saying that white people who ride bikes like to talk about how they are saving the earth. If you know a person who rides to work, you should take them aside and say, 'Hey, thanks. Sincerely, The Earth.' Then give a thumbs up. That white person will ride home on a cloud."

#74 Oscar Parties
"Either dress in an fancy suit / gown or wear something that relates to one of the films nominated for Best Picture." I submit this photo of Little Miss Sunshine and several Dream Girls taken from February 25, 2007.

#79 Modern Furniture
I really didn't think this one applied to me, until I looked at the photo, and noticed that we have the EXACT same chair set in our bedroom.

#85 The Wire
I'm just into watching season 2 of The Wire, using my account with #39 Netflix

#86 Shorts
"It is a known fact that white people believe that they can bring spring early by wearing a pair of shorts on any day that is above seasonal temperatures. This myth runs so deep that they will often wear shorts the following day when temperatures drop, at which point they will refuse to recognize that it is cold." Yeah, that's me.

#93 Music Piracy
I'm not sure how it took them to #93 to get to this one. "If you let them continue talking to you they are likely to spend hours talking to you about bands you’ve never heard of and providing you with a weekly mix CD of rarities that you do not want."