Paddled

Twice in high school, a coach beat my ass with a paddle.

Literally. They did that then.

Once was for the offence of forgetting my gym clothes one too many times. Once was for throwing a paper airplane in class. I think they were in different school years, but by the same coach.

I don't remember the guy's name, but I remember roughly where he lived, which was in our neighborhood. I know that one night, some of my friends snuck out to toilet paper his house, and despite the fact that I liked sneaking out late at night, I wasn't with them on that particular night. I'm not sure what kept me home.

I bet you've seen this in the last couple of weeks.

What kind of grown ups were they that let a grown ass man beat a skinny 9th grader? I was probably 125 pounds, tops.

But also, I don't remember it being upsetting at all, and I doubt I even mentioned it to my parents.

If I found out that a coach beat one of my kids, I'd probably go down a path that would land me in prison. Maybe something public and troubling, but on the other hand, I bet I could sharpen my hacking saw and wreak a lot of havoc without being caught.

If you're a teacher who still paddles kids, you'd better be using two-factor authentication.

There was definitely a regional thing going on. Shortly after these beatings, we moved to a more progressive town. During one of my first weeks of school, one of the kids yelled at the coach during PE, "Coach, you're a douchebag."

Let me tell you, I was all mentally prepped to witness my first murder. Not only had I never seen anyone talk to a coach that way, it was the first time I had ever heard "douchebag" as an insult. It hit me as something so filthy and insulting, and it was really hard to believe my ears.

But the coach just ignored the comment and kept refereeing the heated match of crab soccer.