My Ideal Vegas Sports Book

January 25, 2005

Dry eyes, nosebleeds, itchy skin. You guess it! It's time to go to Las Vegas.

I imagine that I will spend a good percentage of my time in a sports book. I've spent a lot of time in them over the years, and I've yet to find one that meets all of my criteria for an "ideal" sports book.

  1. Free drinks. None of this, "bet so much and you get a ticket for a free drink" crap. Casinos set the expectation that I drink for free while I sit there and bet. They can't change the rules on me now. Hell, I tip the waitress a buck a drink, which is more than they're worth anyway.

    And while we're talking ideals and waitresses, they should be good looking. I don't need an old hag bringing me my drink in the ideal sports book.

  3. I need huge screens, and seating situated so that I can see a bunch of them. This seems obvious, but you would be surprised how many sports books have two or three big screens and then a bunch of regular televisions.
  4. A restroom close by. I'm sometimes at these things by myself for hours. I don't need the hassle of pocketing all my stuff and marching nine miles to the can just to get back and find my seat taken. Have a john right there, for goodness sakes.
  5. Food close by. Same principal. Just because it's halftime of one game doesn't mean that a horserace isn't about to start. I don't have time to march to the food court. Sell me a pretzel right then and there.
  6. I think you should be able to place your bets by machine. I don't like the crusty old people who take your money. I'm much happier giving my money to electronics.
  7. I like the ones that give you a personal TV right there at your chair. That small touch makes it so much easier to follow the many teams, people, and horses who are simultaneously competing for my money.
  8. All of these things above, you can find here or there (although I don't know of one that meets all of these criteria. Now, let's keep going with the wish list: reclining chairs. Isn't this obvious? Not a Lazy Boy or anything, but something like new movie theaters have. Maybe something like that, but with a foot rest. You know I'm on to something genius.
  9. My true ideal room would have no dress code. No -- I haven't been kicked out of one for wearing shorts or a t-shirt, but while I'm dreaming, I would like one where they would be cool with me just showing up in a bathrobe. It's not going to happen, but that's how mine would be run.

I suppose one day Louisiana will authorize the creation of legal sports betting establishments. If that happens, I want to be first in line to open a place to do it. It will have all of these features, plus really good chicken wings.