My Ideal Vegas Sports Book
January 25, 2005
Dry eyes, nosebleeds, itchy skin. You guess it! It's time to go to Las Vegas.
I imagine that I will spend a good percentage of my time in a sports book. I've spent a lot of time in them over the years, and I've yet to find one that meets all of my criteria for an "ideal" sports book.
- Free drinks. None of this, "bet so much and you get a ticket for a free drink" crap. Casinos set the expectation that I drink for free while I sit there and bet. They can't change the rules on me now. Hell, I tip the waitress a buck a drink, which is more than they're worth anyway.
And while we're talking ideals and waitresses, they should be good looking. I don't need an old hag bringing me my drink in the ideal sports book.
- I need huge screens, and seating situated so that I can see a bunch of them. This seems obvious, but you would be surprised how many sports books have two or three big screens and then a bunch of regular televisions.
- A restroom close by. I'm sometimes at these things by myself for hours. I don't need the hassle of pocketing all my stuff and marching nine miles to the can just to get back and find my seat taken. Have a john right there, for goodness sakes.
- Food close by. Same principal. Just because it's halftime of one game doesn't mean that a horserace isn't about to start. I don't have time to march to the food court. Sell me a pretzel right then and there.
- I think you should be able to place your bets by machine. I don't like the crusty old people who take your money. I'm much happier giving my money to electronics.
- I like the ones that give you a personal TV right there at your chair. That small touch makes it so much easier to follow the many teams, people, and horses who are simultaneously competing for my money.
- All of these things above, you can find here or there (although I don't know of one that meets all of these criteria. Now, let's keep going with the wish list: reclining chairs. Isn't this obvious? Not a Lazy Boy or anything, but something like new movie theaters have. Maybe something like that, but with a foot rest. You know I'm on to something genius.
- My true ideal room would have no dress code. No -- I haven't been kicked out of one for wearing shorts or a t-shirt, but while I'm dreaming, I would like one where they would be cool with me just showing up in a bathrobe. It's not going to happen, but that's how mine would be run.
I suppose one day Louisiana will authorize the creation of legal sports betting establishments. If that happens, I want to be first in line to open a place to do it. It will have all of these features, plus really good chicken wings.