Midget Wrestling

February 08, 2004

It started with an email last Wednesday from Shelly:

Friday Feb. 6th at Tippatina's. Interested? I think it would make some interesting photos for the skinny on benny web page.

Followed by an almost immediate response from Heather:


Followed, about 10 minutes later by Stacie:

I think that they prefer to be called "little people," Miss Williams.

So, with that amount of planning, we had plans to see midgets wrestle.

During the day on Friday, Shelly called to ask me if there was a difference between a midget and a hobbit. What can you really reply? I went with something like, "Um, yeah, a midget is real. A hobbit is make-believe."

She went on to ask about whether a dwarf was real, and if so, what the difference was. After I explained the difference (with a huge deficit of actual knowledge, but convincingly, nevertheless), Shelly seemed satisfied to end my unplanned excursion to trivia-world. But she did manage to tell me something along the lines of my having no life, as she was leaving work around 3:00 to buy midget wrestling tickets.

The actual wrestling was pretty much what I expected. The people had a normal sized wrestling ring set up in the middle of the bar. Miller High Life was on special, but they were out of that by 11:00. Shortly after 11:00 a lone midget entered the ring, and worked some tired material full of f-bombs on the crowd. He would get the DJ to stop and start music, and when the DJ would be too slow, ask the people, "Who wants to see a midget fuck up a DJ?" That was kind of funny, but by far his best line.

A midget wrestler waits for another midget to climb the ropes, then pretend to fall on them.

When we finally got midgets in the ring to wrestle, it was unbelievably goofy and fake. I suppose the bogus fighting was no less fake than professional wrestling on TV, but they had no fancy music, smoke, lighting, or costumes to distract you from the fake fighting. It was still kind of funny, just because the people fighting were "little people," as Stacie put it.

I'm having trouble inserting this tidbit in a graceful fashion, so I'll just blurt it out in its own paragraph: one of those midgets had the biggest nipples that I've ever seen in a man. Not big-a-round big. Sticking out like a digit big. They had to stick off his chest a good quarter-inch. Wow.

The fights lasted a good while. Believe it or not, there were several close calls, when the count got to two, but time after time, the midget on bottom dug deep inside himself for a little extra, and threw the upper midget off. After two fights of this, the smoke burned eyes and throats, we had seen midgets bleed, and it was one o'clock in the morning, so that ended the night of midget wrestling.