Mel Gibson's Rules for Good Living

I find myself busy during the long holiday weekend, so my good friend Mel Gibson generously agreed to author a guest post.

People often ask me, "Mel, How did you become so successful?" The answer is simple. I've found that when you follow these simple rules for living, everything will come up roses.

• If you make a movie about Jesus, people will let you say whatever you want. 
• If you make three buddy movies with a black guy, feel free to use the n-word all you like. 
• It's bad form to burn down your partner's house after she provides oral sex, UNLESS you explicitly inform you partner of your intention to burn before the sexual activity begins. 
• It's surprising, but pigs in heat are amazingly attractive. 
• When it becomes inevitable that the one you love is to be raped by a pack of n-words, make sure she's clear that you aren't to blame. 
• Jews may have a lot of money, but they very rarely throw a punch. Say what you will about them, and your arresting officer will probably agree. 
• Get hammered. And stay that way.