Mailbag V

It's been a long time since I did a mailbag post, and I've been saving up some good ones. I've used my best judgment about whether to use real names or not. I have a lot of ones that people forward me from their office, and I don't want anyone to get in trouble.

Keep sending me stuff. You guys are more amusing than I am.

From: Proofreader 2:29 PM

It can simply read "Government Issued ID." This encompasses all i.e. Driver Licenses, State-Issued IDs, Passport, etc. No need to be redundant.

From: Zero 2:46:15 PM

The notes showed what was suggested; the actual change was to read "Copy of valid State or Government Photo ID."

From: Proofreader 5:16 PM

"Copy of Government-Issued Photo ID"

(state = government)

There's at least one Zero in every office, isn't there?

That reminds me, my new favorite phrase is "Don't get stuck on stupid," courtesy of General Honore. If you haven't had a chance to see the video, here's a little bit of the footage.

It seems like I deal with someone every day who is "stuck on stupid." I'm going to overuse the shit out of this one in my everyday conversations. That email above is a good example of someone who's stuck on stupid.

(Update 2024: I don't know which was the original video, but there's no shortage of videos with Honore using that phrase. He enjoyed it more than I do.)

Hey. I want to make a headboard and footboard for my bed out of my parent's front doors. They got new ones by the way, I didn't just steal them and leave them doorless. Anyway, after I strip and stain them, do you think you could secure the boards on for me and attach them to the bed frame when y'all come next Saturday or Sunday?

Shelly

That's my friends for you. Are there other people who would have been compelled to clarify that they didn't just steal the doors right off their parents' house?

If you were wondering, I never made them into a headboard and footboard. I have somehow convinced my friends that I am capable of things like wiring and carpentry, when I am in fact completely incompetent in these fields. But somehow, I bullshit my way past requests like this, and no one is the wiser.

The can at the Guggenheim

No idea how you might be able to use this on theskinnyonbenny.com, but seeing the urinal photo made me think of a photo I took last year in a men's room at the Guggenheim in NYC. Those curved walls make for an interesting bathrooms. If ever I saw a water closet, this was it.

Tim

Awesome contribution! When I think about it, I do have enough experience with odd commodes to put a whole page up just on that single topic. Unfortunately, I never thought to take pictures of most of them.

One night, we went to eat at a dive of a restaurant on River Road way outside of Baton Rouge. The sit-down toilet in the men's room was jammed into a corner due to lack of space. They had a makeshift stall around it, and that stall had a little, angled door. But the door was hung in a way so that the bottom of the door would come to about mid-chest as you sat on the can. So the door would protect your identity, but it would be not so useful in truly protecting your privacy.

The assistant they have assigned me in Bermuda looks and acts so freakishly like Cathy Schultz. If I stuck a cigarette and a beer in her hand, I'd swear it was her. The only thing different is she is British.

Shelly

I always said that my mom could pass as a Bermudan if she would just give up the smokes and drinking. Sometimes I think that woman has no aspiration.

I didn't actually get sent these messages, but through a series of forwarding, they made their way to me eventually.

May 3, 2005

Okay. There are a couple of guys putting up film on our windows in the office to cut down on glare. I was walking down the hall and could see my reflection in the glass of the artwork hanging at the end of the hall. And I could also see one of the guys totally checking me out as I walked. I would have been totally self-righteously offended by this a few years ago. Today, it's all good. In fact, it's so good, I'm inspired to take a turn at Tyler's art and write a haiku:

Young, hot window man:
You have made me so gleeful
checking out my ass.

Suzanne

May 10, 2005

Tyler Cummings has changed my life.

Wait, okay, that's not true. But I have been inspired by him. Since my first attempt (which I like to call the "gleeful ass" haiku), I've started keeping a haiku journal, which I think is the most fabulous thing in the world. It's short and quick - just one haiku a day - so it's totally manageable, unlike a regular journal. It forces you to be concise, picking only one event from each day to memorialize. And it ends up being a real journal of interesting things that I actually want to remember (vs. I had an important meeting at work today. I was on a power trip because I was wearing really tall heels. I introduced a great design idea. Blah blah blah-blah-blah.).

I highly recommend it. It's therapeutic. It's easy to do. It forces creativity. As soon as I figure out how to set up a blog, I'm doing it so we can all participate in haiku therapy together.

Some sample entries of my own:

May 4, 2005

Sweet jesus. That's the
hugest-ass spider ever.
Good-for-nothing dogs.

May 8, 2005

I'm so late for lunch.
She hates it when I'm late.
Happy Mother's Day.

May 10, 2005

Grass is brown, uncut
Neighbors hide their shamed faces
Must get a lawn man.

Suzanne

Suzanne is onto something, even if that something isn't the best ability in the world to count syllables. Writing these is not as easy as you might think. Email me if you want a permanent home for your haiku journal on theskinny.

One day, I got an email containing only this photograph, copied from the Hibernia internal company web site. The subject line is "Ich Bin Ein Berliner."

The sender (who was not Mrs. theskinnyonbenny, even though she does work there) swears that this is unedited. Even the grainy black and white effect is apparently accurate to the original web page.

void UpdateOSITables(int x,int y,int z,CString foo,CString Which)
{
char tstr[300]; // gee, fuck-head I hope there are no queries longer than 300 characters.

//Ever hear of a CString?

_variant_t vNull;
vNull.vt = VT_ERROR;
vNull.scode = DISP_E_PARAMNOTFOUND;

This one came to me through the office. This is a sample of code found when modifying a program. The comments are from a guy called Brad, who is no longer around. I don't know why he left the company, but one can speculate that his unnecessary anger at simple things (like other programmers' source code) might have had something to do with it.

Did he not notice that the inputs "foo" and "Which" were declared as CString? Who's the fuck-head now?

found this in one of our newer job postings:

"Ability to deal with ambiguity"

Stacie

I've been making fun of a job description that Stacie wrote that included the qualification, "Must be able to read and interpret a document." Anyone who would disqualify himself for that is a moron indeed. But "Ability to deal with ambiguity" is even better.

At least the hiring manager is honest. This requirement can be translated in the job description to, "You will not be given clear direction. You should be prepared to take blame for poor decisions made for lack of guidance. Credit for good decisions will be retained by your supervisor."

This last one is from my inter-office saved items.

From: Jason 1:29 PM

Has anyone worked with a vendor named QuestSoft to pull GeoCoding info into LCC?

From: Tyler 1:57 PM

Ahh, good old questsoft... yes, I remember now, that damn geocoding is tricky... the trick is to try to get all of the checkers in line without your opponent seeing.. no, wait... that's connect four. Nevermind.