Mailbag IV

January 14, 2005

I sure would like to do more posts that just regurgitate email. It isn't that I'm too lazy to make up new stuff. It's just that it hurts less when the asinine nonsense in this space isn't a product of my own brain. I want everyone to resolve to take the time to email me something amusing next week.

Here we go...


I added your site "" to a site ring for greymatter users. If you do not want to be in it just let me know and I will take your site out of it.

have a great day
Jim F.

Man, links from strangers are awesome. Back atcha:

My dad recently went to Nepal. He sent this dispatch. I know it's long, but I thought it was a good read.

Well I made it back from Nepal. Here's my travel advice: don't go. Fly past the Himalayans and Mount Everest because they are breathtaking. But don't bother to land. The place is teeming with people, dusty because most of the roads are dirt, most of the roads are really just alleys mindlessly scattered throughout. The people were aggressive and somewhat in-your-face. Not too different from a lot of Indians that I have met. The beggars and hawkers followed relentlessly. On Friday I walked through the shopping area and by the time I walked 3 or 4 miles I had about 20 people following and yelling at me. At least they got some exercise. It reminded me of some biblical scenes you see in movies. People bathing at the public well etc. The city is dirty but not too odorous. Everything is just dusty. The Nepalese food was good, though. I'm pretty sure your mom would have never left the hotel.

Couple of stories.

This set the tone for the trip. When I got to the airport I found the driver from the hotel and told him who I was and that I arrived from Bangkok. He said "Oh, Mr. Samboon". I said "no, Schultz". He said "only Mr. Samboon comes from Bangkok". He looked confused so I asked to see his hand written list. I was listed on the plane from Tehran. I told him but he disagreed saying Mr. Schultz was coming from Iran. Then he asked if I was sure I was Mr. Schultz. I yelled at him that I goddamned well knew my own name, and then I pushed him toward the parking lot. The hotel van was locked and he didn't have a key. So he took me in his private car - the tiniest car I have ever seen. I could barely squeeze in. I think he is still waiting for Mr. Schultz from Tehran.

I hired a car and guide Sunday for the day and traveled around the Kathmandu valley. The villages were better than Kathmandu but not much. We went to a few Hindu temples and the guide insisted on giving the rundown on all the gods and parables. And there are a lot of gods. I saw bodies being cremated in the open. They cover them with grass and herbs to keep the smell down, but the smoke still smells like burnt flesh. After everything gets good and crispy, they brush the ashes off the platform into the river. There were about a dozen pyres fired up when I was there.

This story is more pleasant. There are some gods peculiar to Nepal. One is the "living God", a girl that is chosen when she is two or three. She must be "perfect". No blemishes. She is highly revered and is the only person in the Kingdom that the King bows to. If she is cut or scratched, or if she sees poverty or if she is touched by a lower caste, she becomes tainted and is replaced. If she stays pure then she lasts until she reaches puberty when she becomes "unclean". Anyway she lives in a temple with a courtyard and some high open windows. The place isn't very big. My guide called "Damus" and clapped his hands. Some big guy came to the window and the guide asked if the living god would present herself. He called and a beautiful little three year old girl dressed in red and fully made up pranced out on the balcony, did a pirouette and disappeared. I thought my guide might faint. That was probably the highlight of the trip.

See? I told you it was a good read. Now here's one that really isn't so good. This is an email reply that my nephew received in response to a application.

Greetings Booger ,

This email is to advise you that an application has been submitted for pantyhoes junior high for membership in with Dr. Booger McPanties listed as the contact person for your school, district or LEA. The application process includes the execution of the School Agreement .....

I would have liked to be in the office when humans actually read the application from Dr. Booger McPanties. The part that the email doesn't say is that Dr. Booger's occupation is "Tittie Watcher." Filling in Web Forms with bullcrap is fun. I have a feeling that Dr. Booger McPanties might be applying for loans online some time soon.

Here's an exchange that I was made privy to earlier in the week. This isn't the whole thing, but you get the gist of the conversation.

Mrs. theskinnyonbenny: I am trying to fix it before it becomes a problem. You 'borrowed' it about a month before you left.

Steve: I was just looking at this email one more time before I deleted it. It's funny how you put borrowed in quotes as if to be sarcastic. Like I heard this lady in Popeye's say one time when the cashier made her mad "you better take two steps back and one step up".

I'm not sure what that means, but it sounds threatening ...

M: I interpret that the customer is about to punch the lights out of the cashier, however, is kind enough to warn the cashier to take a step back through a confusing mathematical exercise, which nets out to a step back. What do you think?

S: I always thought one step up was vertical, meaning she better step back and insulting her on being short at the same time. Your explanation makes more sense. Ask Ben, he probably would speak jive better than us.

I didn't chime in on this directly. Although I do indeed speak very fluent jive, I could do nothing other than tarnish this golden exchange. Every detail is perfect. Think how much less funny this story would be if it were set in McDonalds rather than Popeye's.

Come to think of it, have any of you ever been to Popeye's -- any Popeye's in your entire life -- without seeing some sort of angry customer altercation? I think I've seen them happen in the drive through.

For the record, Mrs. theskinnyonbenny's answer is just a sliver away from being right on the money. She gets partial credit for sure. However, the judges were looking for the phrase "bitchslap" in place of "punch the lights out of."