Let Me Take Care of This

June 16, 2010

The news is tiring of it, but oil is still pouring into the waters of the Gulf Of Mexico as you sit and read. I wish I was in the government and somehow in charge of all of this. Here's what I would do.

  1. Put someone in jail. I'm going to find someone, really high up in BP, and I'm going to find some way to charge them with criminal activity. Criminal negligence? Violation of the Clean Water Act? I'm not sure what crime merits imprisonment, but there's something or other. If it were an industry other than oil, and if it happened under the previous administration, W would have claimed it a terrorist activity and thrown someone in Guantanamo with charges and without a lawyer. Is that out of the question? It's true that the guy that I imprison aren't smart enough to stop the leak or clean it up, but they set the bonuses for the people who do know, so I think this would be effective.
  2. Fine BP 100% of their profits. There's no reason for BP to show a profit. Every spare cent that they make needs to be going toward buying and building and hiring people and equipment for oil cleanup. Period. I don't see how this could be questioned. The limeys don't like this notion because 8% of their countrymen's pension payments comes from BP dividends. To that I say, piss poor money management, redcoats. But if any of your retirees is having trouble making ends meet, one of your own corporations might buy you some rubber boots and put you to work scooping tar balls off of once beautiful American beaches.
  3. Can we get some engineers from Japan to take a look at the leak itself? Let's not pretend that theirs aren't better than ours. When is the last time your Honda didn't start? If they aren't around, maybe we can give the Germans a crack at it.
  4. Open up the Mississippi. Push the damn oil away from here. Sorry Florida. Sand is probably easier to clean than marsh grass, and by the time it gets to you, it should be diluted. And it's not like the whole Florida Gulf coast isn't going to need a good scrubbing.
  5. Our local paper is, of course, covering the spill with daily articles on page one, above the fold. One day, there was an article about the popular vacation destinations on the Alabama cost that included the tidbit that condos are providing guests with chemical cleaners to help them remove oily goo from their bodies. Who are the insane rednecks who are still swimming in the oily goo? Please comment if you know. This has been bothering me for a couple of weeks.