Getting a Men's Facial

March 09, 2004

I know that admitting this in print gets me labeled as a pussy by a lot of my faithful readers, but hey, I'm here to inform and educate. I spent one afternoon in the hotel spa, and got a massage and a facial. We all know what happens in a massage, but maybe not what goes on with a facial. Besides, there's someone out there who is curious about what goes on in a men's facial, and who will find this site through Goggle years from now.

You start out by getting naked and under a sheet. As far as I can tell, there's really no need to be naked, but that's what you do. Go figure.

Then, the woman comes in to actually do the work. The steps go something like this. I can't really explain why any of these things are done like they are.

  1. Blast the face with hot steam.
  1. Apply layer after layer of smelly crap to the face. Some layers make it feel hot, some make it feel cold. Some made it tingly. One felt sandy, but most were smooth. All of these are smeared all over the face, and then wiped off.
  1. Dig dried up dirt and sweat out of nose pores with a really small, sharp spoon-like thing. This part hurts. It really sucks.
  1. Smear some more smelly cream around. This one stays on and thickens. Something kind of heavy goes over my eyelids.
  1. While that stuff thickens, the lady fills baggies with warm wax, and wraps them around my hands and feet.

How ridiculous did I look at this point? I'm lying naked with my arms, legs, and upper body sticking out of a sheet. My face is completely covered with God-knows-what. I wish I knew what color it was, but there's no telling. My arms and legs end with wax-filled balloons rather than with normal human appendages. I would love to see a picture of that.

It ends by removing all of that silly stuff, another blast of steam, and then the lady disappears.