Friday Morning Blah Post

I have anger issues this morning. I don't have any good reason to be annoyed, but the messages in my Inbox at work are getting on my last nerve. Reading documents with crap like this are part of my problem:

{vendor name} has classified applications as "A", or non "A" document, "A" being the document that includes the set of mandatory components as defined in the following Document Integrity Requirements Section.

And I don't have anything to amuse me either. No picture of my beagle humping one of the cats or anything else. So I page through other email looking for anything other than people asking me to do more for them.

Here's one from Shelly. Subject line: Hey Fucker.

how come manufacturers can, through bioengineering, alter foods so that they will become pest resistant, flavor enhanced, and retain freshness longer but they can't make a double stuffed oreo that won't make your ass grow? Can you guess what we are talking about in my Food and Drug Law Class right now. I think it was probably a really good thing they did not have wireless access at LSU when I was in school. I find myself not paying attention a lot when the subject is uninteresting. i just set my fantasy football line up.

Speaking of Oreos, we came up with a really good idea for the terrorists this morning. Take the two black cookie parts of an Oreo. Put a layer of plastic explosive between each half, fill up a ziplock bag, and carry that right on to the plane.

Sure, maybe this only blows off the terrorist's head when he bites into the cookie, but that would still scare the shit out of everyone else on board, wouldn't it. How would you like to be the blood-splattered person sitting next to the headless corpse in seat 13C?

That wasn't really the cathartic pick-me-up I needed.

Here's one from Slim, posted on my sailing email list yesterday.

That reminds me of an incident that happened to my friend and boat partner, Judi, who was cruising in the middle of the Atlantic when they ran out of cigs and booze. They hailed a British merchant vessel and asked if they could sell them some. The Brits said if it were a real emergency they'd be happy to help, but cigs and booze? Forget it--we're not changing coarse and spending extra fuel on that! Next they hailed a German vessel--same response. After some despair, they finally raised a Brazilian ship: "Oh my god! We'll be right there!" 8-) True story.

That warms the cockles of my heart.

I'm doing this underdog pool where every week I have to pick one college football game where I expect the underdog to pull the upset. You get the number of points that the betters were giving on that game. So if you pick a long shot who wins you get a lot of points, and if you pick a slight underdog, you get a few points. I'm not on the board yet, but only because Michigan State blew a sizable lead to Notre Dame last weekend. Here's how I emailed my pick for this Saturday.

WHAT COMES OUT OF A CHINAMAN’S ASS? I'll take Rice.

Now that I've offended a major university as well as the world's largest ethnic group, I feel a lot better. Back to work.