Dancing With the Stars Lineup

September 14, 2006

Dancing With the Stars

had its season premier this week, and predictably, the dumpy commentator from the business news channel was eliminated. I say it was predictable -- and that guy was noticeably more clumsy than some of his opponents, but I can't honestly say that I can look at their performances and tell a good one from a bad one. I watch with the same naive innocence that I did when I was real little, watching football without a good understanding of the rules. Some can just follow the ball and enjoy a football game, where the more experienced viewer will might watch for particular offensive or defensive formations. The really, really serious viewer will notice the positioning of specific blockers or defensive players away from the ball.

Now how did I get to posting about football?

Anyway, I'm like that uneducated viewer, just watching the ball. I have no idea what distinguishes a foxtrot from a cha-cha.

Having only seen a couple of them perform, my pick for this year is the Vivica Fox -- the black chick who mixed it up with Uma Thurman in the first Kill Bill. You can't picture that scene and not realize that she's got moves.

The highlight for me was to see Emmitt Smith's big gut. He apparently hangs right with me when it comes to drinking beer and eating chicken wings. While I enjoyed seeing the chubby tailback, I couldn't help think about others who I think would make better contestants.

Without further fanfare, here's my pick for next season's Dancing lineup. Apologies to Ellen DeGeneres, but whining to get on the show is a sure way to get left off, as long as I'm a producer. Besides, I'm a little comedian-heavy anyway.

Isaac from the Love Boat:

Who wouldn't want to see what Isaac is looking like these days? And I would strongly encourage him to end every dance with that hp-cat double-index finger point toward the camera, just like he did during the opening credits on the show.

Bill Gates:

Don't laugh at me. You know you would love to see it.

Monica Lewinsky:

Just because she probably needs the work. And oh yeah, for the blowjob jokes.

Chevy Chase:

Just think of the goofy faces he would make at the camera after tripping on his partner. I think it's a close race between Chevy and Bill for who's the worst dancer in this group.

Tom Hanks:

It's supposed to be Dancing With the Stars. To a large extent, it's Dancing With People I've Barely or Never Heard Of. This is a star, a bona fide star. He doesn't have to last, but you've got to get an A-lister. Hell, The Surreal Life has a better Q rating this year than DWTS.


What this competition sorely needs is a fat person. Could Roseanne's body do all of those things that the in shape dancers do? Of course not. But wouldn't it be fun to see her try! And if she sets the crowd to booing, maybe she would spit and grab her crotch, as if the National Anthem were playing.

That Asian kid who can eat a million hot dogs every few minutes:

I don't know his name either, but I'm curious about whether he has any other abilities. He's a wild card: maybe out in round one, maybe he's pretty good. He won't bonk from lack of calories, that's for sure.

Cameron Diaz or Angelina Jolie: Just to give us one set of long, good looking legs. This season lacks a Stacy Keibler, and that's a pity.

Axl Rose:

We need someone with bad hair. No pulling it back into a pony tail allowed. He has to dance with his hair in the way. And you will also recall that the only move he has is to sway his hips back and forth with feet firmly planted on the ground. It should be good.

Senator Mary Landrieu:

Known nationally for the post-Katrina smackdown that she took from Cooper Anderson, what better way for Senator Landrieu to be taken seriously as a politician than to show her constituents that she can ballroom dance?

Dale Earnhardt, Jr.:

No having athletes from sports where footwork is important. The dancing comes too naturally to a football player who's been zig-zagging through cones his whole life. How about a redneck who has spent his whole life making left turns? That might give us something to see.

So there you have it. Admittedly, it's a little heavy on washed up TV stars, and there aren't enough black people. But I didn't want any ringers. It should all be people that might struggle with the dancing.

Hopefully there will be something better on next Wednesday night.