Chick-Fil-A

Today, I went to Chick-fil-a for the first time. I had eaten a sandwich that someone had picked up for me once before, but this was the first time that I actually went into one of their stores.

There were three registers open, and only one customer at the counter. I stayed back to look up at the menu, since I didn't know what they offered.

I felt the laser-eyes of the empty registered women boring into my torso.

The split second that I lowered my gaze from the menu, they both offered to take my order.

On my left, there was an old lady who was tall and pleasant looking. She had white hair and hunched shoulders -- perhaps osteoperosis, perhaps trying not to look so tall. She was the only one in a white shirt, which I suppose flags her as the manager.

To the right was a young woman, who also looked friendly. I went to her counter. She took my order, and there was a pause while we waited for our food.

In my mind (and only in my mind), we had the following conversation:

Me (a little too loudly): So who's the boss around here?

Girl: Um... she is. (Indicating the older woman.)

Me: Is she MEAN? (I was going to say "MEAN" really loud, and with a country accent.)

Girl: No, she's okay.

Me: Well, she looks MEAN. I sure wouldn't want to work for her.

Then I just looked at the girl silently, leaving her with the unenviable choice of contridicting the maniac in her face, or insulting her boss, who by this time would only be pretending not to listen.

So now I've lost the "I've never eaten at Chick-Fil-A" shock that I used to be able to give people. The level of astonishment about that fact always seemed out of proportion to me. It's like I said I've never flown on an airplane. Or like I said I've never been inside a post office. Or like I said I've never pooped behind a Texaco when the bathroom door was locked and I couldn't wait any longer.

I get a similar reaction about some movies that I've never seen. Off the top of my head, here are the ones that make people gasp when they find out I haven't seen them:

• The Karate Kid
• Footloose
• There's Something About Mary
• The Matrix
• Gladiator

In most of these cases, I started to watch but fell asleep. I can sleep through a movie like nobody's business.

I used to consistently get a nap at the Seigen movie theater in Baton Rouge. Three or four times in a row I went there, watched a little bit of the show, had a nap, and then watched the end.

When we went to see Shine I watched the beginning, where Geoffery Rush was sane. I dozed off, and when I woke up, he was crazy. I never did find out what made him go crazy.

When I asked Mrs. theskinnyonbenny, she just got annoyed and said, "You should have stayed awake if you wanted to know what happened in the movie."