Buck Up and Buy the Next One

February 09, 2011

There are many inconsiderate things that your office mates do from day to day. Perhaps you work with slobs who leave an empty coffee pot on the burner, snack from lunches left in the refrigerator, or pee on the toilet seat. But perhaps the worst offense is a seasonal one: stuffing the baby back into a king cake.

Some remedial info for my out-of-state friends: king cakes are a delicacy served during carnival season, and the number one reason that dietary New Year's resolutions are broken by mid-January in Louisiana. Cake are like long, fat cinnamon rolls turned into a rough approximation of an oval, baked, and covered with ugly, food-colored sugar. Inside each cake is a disgusting little plastic baby. If you cut a piece and get the baby, you are obliged to go buy the next king cake.

It's marketing genius, really. A product that includes something that gives people a social obligation to go buy that product again.

Unscrupulous people will get the baby, and then to save a few bucks, stuff it back into the cake when no one's around. But what they don't know is that they are cursing their whole Mardi Gras experience. It's documented fact that cake stuffers can expect the following:

  • Beads caught during the season will be lame, and if a good strand is caught, they will break.
  • Your drinks will tend to make you tired or sick.
  • You will either be cold and not have a jacket, or hot, and be burdened with an extra jacket and sweatshirt to carry around.
  • Flam-beaus will be blown out when parades pass your spot.
  • When bands pass your spot, only the drums will be playing.
  • When parades come to a stop near you, there will be horses next to you. Those horses will use the break to poop and piss.
  • Any boobies sighted during the season will be misshapen and/or exceptionally saggy.
  • You will meet lovely young ladies who are interested in you, but as you sober up, you will realize that they are actually men.

So you see, it's clearly not worth it. Just buy the next king cake.