Baby

You know how those old black ladies can call you "baby" and it adds a dash of kindness and affection to whatever they're telling you?

"You can get another one of those, and it will be half price, baby." What a friend!

I wish I could pull that off.

I've noticed that Mrs. theskinnyonbenny pulls a "baby" on our (mostly grown) kids' friends.

"Miss Heather, can I get a coke?"

"Take whatever you want, baby."

It works for her. She sounds like the kindly, moderately older lady that she intends to be.

I feel awkward even thingking abou it, but I still feel like I should try. I really get the urge when I order, especially at a drive though.

"That's twenty-eight tacos supreme and an electric blue corn syrup crusher. Will that be all for you?"

"Yeah, that's it baby." I've even got the hint of an old man voice in my head when I say this in my thoughts. It's just a little slower, and a little more gravelly than my natural voice.

But the idea of an old dude (me) telling the twenty-year-old barista, "no sugar in that, baby" is creepy as fuck. I just can't pull that off with other adults, and the younger the other adult is, the worse it seems.

If I said it and regretted it, I would have to be quiet and awkward about it. Otherwise, it's even worse. "I don't mean baby like I want your number baby. Just think of me as an old grandfater type."

Ick.

We watched an old episode of Curb the other night, and in this one, Richard Lewis calls the woman who he's dating "honey" early in their romance. She's freaked out by the level of affection, so he covers by calling everyone "honey" all the time so that she just thinks it's a personality quirk.

It's so funny starting at 2:10 of this clip.

This is the iconic Accidental Text On Purpose episode from Season 9. The writing in this one is genius.

Maybe I'll try a "honey" or two to see how it feels.