Animal Intuition

April 03, 2009

I really don't know how Jared Fogle managed that Subway diet when he was a 450 lb fat ass. I'm on day three of eating healthy, and if you offered me a candy bar in exchange for my murdering a kitten, I'd snap kitty's neck lickity-split.

Assuming it wasn't my kitten.

Speaking of kittens, I've twice caught this show on XM radio where a psychic communicates with your pets -- either living or dead -- and helps you reveal the mysteries of their lives. Sometimes her shtick is easy. Someone will call in and ask what to do about her current cat that doesn't like the new kitten. She says to give it time. "But your dogs are telling me that they're quite excited about the kitten."


She uses that kind of language. "Fido is telling me..." I can't figure out if I'm intrigued because the callers seem to believe this, or because I'm interested in the techniques she uses to make the bullshit fly.

Sometimes, she's just making things up. A caller this week was concerned about a cat that had been missing for several days. "He's telling me that a dog chased him. And that he ran a long way and got lost, but he's quite alive." (She speaks with an annoying, high pitched voice with good enunciation and a British accent, if you'd like to try to get the sound of it in your head correctly.) She continued, "He's telling me that he's near a yellow stucco house."

Well, that tidbit is awfully specific. How do you think that little mittens knew to project his situation to the radio pet psychic thousands of miles away at that exact moment? And aren't cats color blind? How do you figure he knew the color of the house? Or the name of the material that we call stucco?

Here's my idea for a radio show: I play recorded calls that are actually questions for other radio shows. Then, I tell them the correct answer.

"My cat Mittens has been missing for several days."

"He's probably horny. Even when they're fixed, those male cats will go looking for some pussy every now and then, pardon the pun. Just wait it out. He'll get hungry and come home sooner or later. Next caller."

Then I can go to any call from any show. Let's say I pick Dr. Laura.

"My aunt is having a baby shower for my unmarried niece. I don't approve of her out of wedlock child rearing. Should I go?"

"Go to the shower. But to make a point, kick her mother in the knew as hard as you can. Then, deuce in the top chamber of the toilet so it refills with poo poo water every time they flush. After that, you won't have to worry about them inviting your judgmental ass to parties in the future anyway. And oh yeah, eat all of the cake before anyone else has a chance to get any."

Mmmmm. I sure could go for some cake.