An Inappropriate Use of Corporate Resources

September 20, 2006

I woke up at 4:00 this morning, and instead of dropping right back off to sleep, I thought about an email from work yesterday. With most people -- and sometimes, even with me -- this would signify a project gone hopelessly awry or an urgent need for a vacation. But my reasons this morning were different.

I started to laugh at the message. I was able to hold in the noisy, audible part of the laugh, but I couldn't help the abdominal convulsions, and it jiggled the bed enough to disturb Mrs. theskinnyonbenny.

Courteous guy that I am, I got up to catch a Timmy and Lassie rerun on cable. In this one, Lassie adopted a bobcat cub and had to hide it in the barn, as she knew she was doing wrong. "Don't scold her mother," Timmy implored. "She knows she did wrong, but she did it for love." And oh yeah, the bobcat cub was clearly a Siamese cat. I had missed the beginning of the episode, and spent almost the whole show thinking that the mama bobcat wanted to eat Lassie's Siamese friend. How did people used to watch this garbage?

Anyway, the message that got me up so early was this:

From: Dewey ______ Sent: Tuesday, September 19, 2006 1:52 PM To: IS HelpDesk Subject: chair Could I swap my chair with one in a conference room? Mine smells like farts. Dewey ______ Delivery Associate, Team Gladiators

What makes this really funny is that Dewey is kind of new to the company, and the corporate help desk people probably don't know him at all. That and the fact that the corporate help desk does not also serve as furniture police.

I laughed hard at the thought of their potential reaction to this message. It wasn't one I considered, but the actual reaction strikes me as no less funny:

Tommy: "It looks like Dewey left his desk with his computer unlocked."

Keith: "What did Ben send us?"

Newsflash to myself: you are a predictable hack.

This was one of dozens of messages sent from Dewey's account this week. Here are a few other favorites. I should mention that nothing from here down is a result of any of my own personal mischief.

From: Dewey <_______> Sent: Monday, September 18, 2006 10:58 AM To: Team Gladiators Subject: my dog My dog ate my cat last night. Just wanted you guys to know


From: Dewey <_______> Sent: Monday, September 18, 2006 11:06 AM To: Team Gladiators Subject: oops What I meant to say was that I love you all more than life itself. Please come by today at 2:15pm for hugs and kisses... Love, The Dewmister


From: Dewey <_______> Sent: Tuesday, September 19, 2006 2:06 PM To: Team Gladiators Subject: It's Time Hugs and Kisses are here ... Come and get um !!!!!!!!! Love ya, The Dewmister (PS. Do the DEW)

I don't know if this inspired another team, or whether they coincidentally found this amazing pastime on their own.

From: Jo Anne <______> Sent: Monday, September 18, 2006 3:50 PM To: Team Mercury Subject: I pity the fool that leaves their computer unlocked!


From: Toni <________> Sent: Tuesday, September 19, 2006 12:42 PM To: Team Mercury Subject: FW: Candy from Strangers Team, I’d like you to meet my new significant other in my life. I hope you all can meet him soon. Thanks, Toni

FYI, if you will find and buy me this costume, I will absolutely wear it this Halloween.