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Kindergarten Lunch Duty

August 23rd, 2016

K is always quiet on his way to school, and it often freaks me out, since he’s never quiet. This morning was his second full day of school — and his first where I wasn’t planning to walk him in, and I was afraid that he was nervous about finding his way around.

At a stop light, I turned back to him and asked, “Are you sure you know where to go when I drop you off?”

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July 7th, 2016

Tip of the cap to AAA. I called last night because we had a car with a dead battery. The only thing I had to type in for the computer is my account number. Called again today, and their system must have associated my phone number and the account, because I got right to a human without having to enter anything. She confirmed me by name, and I didn’t have to read off my number or verify any silly childhood memories. Very nice.

Far more exciting things have been going on than dead batteries. More site updates coming soon.

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I’m Convinced – Conspiracy Theories

June 29th, 2016

There has been a small slice of my brain that hasn’t given up the conspiracy theory that Donald Trump is a plant, organizing with the Clinton campaign.

“Hillary, I’ll be as obnoxious as possible, make fun of your looks, give you a dumb nickname, and make absolutely sure that the only votes the Republicans get are the blind homers who just root for their team and don’t actually pay attention to the campaign.”

His act is convincing, and I was just about to dismiss my doubts, when I read that he’s lining up Bob Knight as a GOP convention speaker.

Did you catch that? He’s lining up a speaker whose most famous quote is, “If rape is inevitable, relax and enjoy it.”

There’s no way this is for real.

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Easter Week Trip

April 6th, 2016

We spent the week of Easter on the sailboat. Almost entirely, we were tied up at Pontchartrain Landing on the lakeshore. It’s an almost unknown RV Park and Marina, and not at all a bad place to hole up for a week. Although it was almost entirely too cold to swim, there is a pool, a safe patch of water for the kids to dinghy and paddleboard, and all of it is in view from the bar. Other than one bartender, the staff was very friendly and helpful.

All lined up for the Gay Easter Parade

And what an eventful week. On top of goofing around at the ol’ landing, we visited the zoo, aquarium, IMAX, parades, bowling, a cool lights display in city park, Preservation Hall, and went to a barbecue festival. We probably ate at least five top-notch meals and several more very good ones. We had warm sunny weather, and freezing cold rain.

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Groundhog Money Burn and Little Kid Talk

February 3rd, 2016

Sure, yesterday was fun and all, but what’s doin’ in Punxsutawney today?

Signing Day > Groundhog Day

Is tomorrow a day named for a movie too?


I got hoodwinked when I bought gas yesterday. I was sort of hurrying and not paying close attention, and I hit the button for the fuel grade on the left. Instead of the natural order of low, mid-grade, super-premium, this particular station had them arranged in the order Mid, Cheap, Super premium. Halfway through my fillup, I noticed that my price was at $1.62/gallon instead of $1.43.

I might as well have pulled four dollars out of my wallet and lit it on fire. I’m still bitter this morning.

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January 8th, 2016

Just as the ACC is sort of a low-rent version of the SEC, Clemson is the obvious low-rent equivalent to LSU.

Perhaps they were first to call their stadium “Death Valley”, but we all know where opponents dreams go to die — it’s the Tiger Stadium where it never rains.

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How to Stay Married for 20+ Years

December 4th, 2015

Last week, Mrs. theskinnyonbenny and I celebrated our twentieth wedding anniversary. I’m not nearly old enough to have been married twenty years, just as I am not nearly old enough to have a younger sister who dotes on grandchildren, yet here we are in a weird parallel universe where both things are ture.

As I realize that it’s not exactly commonplace for someone as youthful and handsome as myself to have been married so long, I thought I would post some secrets of marital longevity.

  1. Have opposing chicken wing preferences. Perhaps no single factor leads to more marital harmony than sharing a plate of chicken wings without feeling like your partner keeps snagging the wings that you wanted to eat. If you prefer the drumette, find a partner who prefers the forearm, and vice versa.

    There really should be a word for the forearm part that we universally acknowledge. I just googled parts of a chicken wing, and there are a variety of opinions to what it should be called. Forearm works for me, but I understand the inclination to find a word that sounds more like food.

    Dammit, I’m hungry. I wish I hadn’t looked at all of those pictures of chicken wings.

  2. Just drive. If your partner hates to drive, and you would rather sleep or read than drive, just buy an energy drink and take your spot behind the wheel. Odds are that your road-hating partner thinks that four inches is plenty of following distance on the interstate when he or she is driving anyway, and if so, you’ll have trouble drifting off to sleep while your pilot stares into the road with the intensity of Mario Andretti making 210 mph ovals in heavy traffic. Easier for everyone if you just take the wheel.

    As an added bonus, most people instinctively give the driver control of the radio. I’ve personally made my family listen all sorts of sports talk idiots that they must have dreaded with every fiber of their being. Once, I made them listen to a Wimbledon final on the radio while we drove through the back country nothingness between Miami and Orlando. Have you ever listened to tennis on the radio? “Serve is in, and back. Federer hits it back, and back, to the corner, back across, over, back, AND IT CATCHES THE BASELINE FOR A POINT!!!!”

    Who’s point? It gets very hard to tell. Just keep driving.

  3. Wet your whistle. All of your partner’s grating little annoyances turn into charming little quirks when mixed with a warm, sweet, stomach coating of your favorite intoxicant. Not only that, but the kids don’t sound as loud, the money shortages don’t seem that dire, and after a drinks or two, either of you is perfectly willing to scoop up that wet cat hairball bare-handed.

    You’ve got to be a little careful here, especially if one of you is a fan of the fightin’ liquors (whiskey, tequila). Also, too many evening cocktails before homework time really, really sucks. A week or two ago, I might have signed off on a reading page that didn’t really get read, and now I get lobbied for homework cheats every couple of days.

  4. Establish a common rooting interest. You want to have at least one area where you’re rooting for the same team. It can be a mutually shared hatred of the Patriots, a common desire to elect the biggest douchebag in the city council as the next mayor, or a fanatic following of the dude your partner dated in high school who is now the 34th ranked professional bowler in the world. That way, when you sense that the conversation is going to take a turn toward, “did you ever change the upstairs light bulbs like you said you would?” you can throw it in a different direction with something like, “Did you see Donald Trump mock that reporter with the googoo face?”

    I don’t have anything else to say here, but I have some style issue where my list spacing sucks unless I have more than one paragraph in the list. No time to figure it out, q.e.d., this sentence.

  5. Lots and lots of oral sex. This might not really be applicable to my own life, but I can’t imagine that anyone in a relationship is too very unhappy when oral sex is part of the daily routine. If you are unhappily married despite lots of trips where the trolley rolls downtown, please let me know in the comments. You, my friend, are one of the most fascinating people we’ve encountered.

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Old Man Gripes

November 2nd, 2015

As I’ve mentioned in this space before, I’m an old man now. It’s time to start publishing my gripes.

Gripe #1:

These two DirectTV commercials, which attempt (poorly) to make fun of merging cable companies. I’ll post the first one. I know there’s at least one more, wherein the guy from all of those mockumentaries dumps boiled shrimp and ice all over the conference room table.

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