May 19th, 2017
My sister recently left a job where she worked for a real nut. Their business was butt wipes. Pretty simple.
Below is the text from an email that boss man sent the advertising agency describing a commercial he wanted to make. All wording and grammer are exactly as he sent them, with the excitation that I’ve replaced the brand name with blanks.
May 12th, 2017
We are driving to school. Close to being able to drop V off. We’ve been side by side in the car for almost an hour, and we’re still flipping through radio channels, trying to find some decent tunes that we aren’t tired of.
For the 6th or 7th time in the hour, we land on the hip-hop oldies channel. It’s “Banned in The U.S.A” by 2 Live Crew. We keep it on.
Maybe it’s the current state of national affairs. Maybe it’s that I’m a sucker for stories where the little guy sticks it to those who make the rules. I was tickled pink by The People vs Larry Flynt, Private Parts, and Straight Outta Compton, despite not being a big fan of Hustler or Howard Stern. (I do like a little N.W.A. now and then.)
May 1st, 2017
If I lived up North, I would drive up to New Hampshire every couple of weeks to buy a hamster. Just so I could post pictures of “My New Hampshire new hamster.” Or, “My new New Hampshire hamster.”
April 12th, 2017
Some comedy troupe has surly filmed this exact scene, right?
First Bishop of Rome: We shall henceforth commemorate the day that our savior was crucified on the cross!
Spirit of Jesus: Awww, that’s nice.
Bishop: We will call that day “Good Friday!”
April 7th, 2017
Yesterday morning, I was working on a table outside. I looked up to see two cars in the road at a funny angle, and I thought they had been in a little fender bender.
The driver of the first car was a well dressed black lady of about 30. The man at an angle behind her was well over 50, white, and had a loud New Orleans accent. He surprised me by shouting joyfully, “Hey! That’s great! Thank you ma’am! God bless you!”
Now for two days, I can’t quit trying to figure out what made him so happy. He was holding a coffee, but they weren’t coming out of a drive through, and it seems like a lot of emotion for a free coffee. Some stranger paid for our coffee and donuts at Dunkin when I drove through before school with the kids a couple of weeks ago. Don’t get me wrong — it is nice. But I didn’t jump out of my car to ask God to bring down blessings.
January 23rd, 2017
A couple of weeks ago, Mrs. theskinnyonbenny and I both got this text message.
We had just had a free dress day for V, and they don’t really use a text system, so we let K pick out his clothes and packed him off to school on Friday. In the drop off line, he said, “There’s Anna. She’s not in free dress.”
January 20th, 2017
Perhaps today marks the end of a free press, the end of US participation in NATO, and open season for pussy grabbing. But then again, maybe it won’t be quite that bad. Here are some reasons to be happy about where we are.
January 18th, 2017
The Louisiana Marathon — or as it’s officially known in my skull, the Louisiana Marathon of Mimosa Consumption — was Sunday. I got up early and hauled a small tailgate party’s worth of chairs, tables, and music out into the driveway so that I could collapse exhaustedly into my chair and nurse my breakfast alcohol as healthy people who had already run 23 miles (23!) that morning passed.