Every week I see more and more Facebook updates about the start of school. Apparently, we started before anyone else, which is fine, because it’s too darned hot for the kids to be doing anything else right now anyway. Vanya started Pre-K4, in which they do a little more learning than they did in Pre-K3. By the time he starts Kindergarten, he will have exceeded the amount of school instruction that I ever received in Music, Spanish, or Religion.

My nephew started his school year as well. His mother texted me to let me know what he thought about it:

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On Tuesday, July 28, theskinnyonbenny family found ourselves in a rental house on a lake just West of Knoxville, Tennessee. We were with the Linkin family, and it was this particular day that we had chosen to load four adults and four children into a single mini van, and take the scenic route to the east. Our ultimate destination: Dollywood.

The scenic route was just barely scenic, and even then, only once we were 90% of the way to our destination. Mrs. theskinnyonbenny was navigating using a state map of Tennessee, and once we got close, we didn’t really have any idea how to get to the park. The highway we were traveling was littered with little shacks where you can rent inner tubes to float down their local river, and it was decided that I would go in to get directions.

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So what happened? The world isn’t still making fun of Mel Gibson? But I wasn’t tired of it yet!

Rumors of my disappearance from the face of the planet have been greatly exaggerated. But I did disappear from Baton Rouge for quite a while. We took a Vegas trip with a bunch of grown ups in mid-June, and then the spent the past two weeks shuttling from Tales of the Coctail in New Orleans, a vacation house in Tennessee, and then a few days from Florida’s forgotten coast through the heart of the Redneck Riviera.

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I find myself busy during the long holiday weekend, so my good friend Mel Gibson generously agreed to author a guest post.

People often ask me, “Mel, How did you become so successful?” The answer is simple. I’ve found that when you follow these simple rules for living, everything will come up roses.

• If you make a movie about Jesus, people will let you say whatever you want. 
• If you make three buddy movies with a black guy, feel free to use the n-word all you like. 
• It’s bad form to burn down your partner’s house after she provides oral sex, UNLESS you explicitly inform you partner of your intention to burn before the sexual activity begins. 
• It’s surprising, but pigs in heat are amazingly attractive. 
• When it becomes inevitable that the one you love is to be raped by a pack of n-words, make sure she’s clear that you aren’t to blame. 
• Jews may have a lot of money, but they very rarely throw a punch. Say what you will about them, and your arresting officer will probably agree. 
• Get hammered. And stay that way.

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Scene 1: Master bedroom, theskinnyonbenny mansion.

Vanya, wearing a cowboy hat and climbing on to his mother’s back: Mama, I’m gonna ride you like a cowboy.

Mrs. theskinnyonbenny lets him climb up, smiling.

Me: That’s a much better response than I get when I tell her the same thing.

Scene 2: Mexican restaurant, lunchtime on Wednesday.

Benny, Mrs. theskinnyonbenny, and Vanya eat their lunch. Vanya catches the waiter’s eye and waves him over to the table.

Vanya: Hey, we don’t have any money. To pay for this. We come back tomorrow to pay.

Waiter just gives puzzled look.

Mrs. theskinnyonbenny: Way to go Vanya, now he’s going to be watching us like a hawk.

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You may have noticed that a very high percentage of the blogs out there have turned into parents writing about their kids. I know it’s just not that interesting, but when you have a little kid, you just don’t get out that much and find other amusing things to write about. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that the quality of American writing is worse just because it’s such a pain in the ass getting a babysitter.

By the time this posts, I will be days in on a trip to a resort with lots of bars and gambling — a trip that includes many of the most fun adults that I know, and none of our children. But until that trip has come and gone, you’ll have to wait for stories fit for grown ups.

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The news is tiring of it, but oil is still pouring into the waters of the Gulf Of Mexico as you sit and read. I wish I was in the government and somehow in charge of all of this. Here’s what I would do.

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Vanya is all-in on an initiative to talk like Looney Tunes. For a couple of weeks, he’s been known to throw out a “What’s up Doc?” as he eats something that requires bringing hand to mouth. It doesn’t have to be a carrot. A pretzel, slice of apple, or even a sandwich will do.

On Sunday, I heard him say quietly to himself “What’s the big idea,” and I suspected that this would come up in conversation soon. And it did. After I rewired an electrical outlet, he came through the room where the outlet was and said, “Papa, what’s the big idea with this plug?” Since then, he’s dropped a couple more big ideas.

I’m looking forward to the inevitable “Sufferin Succatash”, as well as Foghorn Leghorn’s, “Ah say, Boy!”

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