April 12th, 2017
Some comedy troupe has surly filmed this exact scene, right?
First Bishop of Rome: We shall henceforth commemorate the day that our savior was crucified on the cross!
Spirit of Jesus: Awww, that’s nice.
Bishop: We will call that day “Good Friday!”
April 7th, 2017
Yesterday morning, I was working on a table outside. I looked up to see two cars in the road at a funny angle, and I thought they had been in a little fender bender.
The driver of the first car was a well dressed black lady of about 30. The man at an angle behind her was well over 50, white, and had a loud New Orleans accent. He surprised me by shouting joyfully, “Hey! That’s great! Thank you ma’am! God bless you!”
Now for two days, I can’t quit trying to figure out what made him so happy. He was holding a coffee, but they weren’t coming out of a drive through, and it seems like a lot of emotion for a free coffee. Some stranger paid for our coffee and donuts at Dunkin when I drove through before school with the kids a couple of weeks ago. Don’t get me wrong — it is nice. But I didn’t jump out of my car to ask God to bring down blessings.
January 23rd, 2017
A couple of weeks ago, Mrs. theskinnyonbenny and I both got this text message.
We had just had a free dress day for V, and they don’t really use a text system, so we let K pick out his clothes and packed him off to school on Friday. In the drop off line, he said, “There’s Anna. She’s not in free dress.”
January 20th, 2017
Perhaps today marks the end of a free press, the end of US participation in NATO, and open season for pussy grabbing. But then again, maybe it won’t be quite that bad. Here are some reasons to be happy about where we are.
January 18th, 2017
The Louisiana Marathon — or as it’s officially known in my skull, the Louisiana Marathon of Mimosa Consumption — was Sunday. I got up early and hauled a small tailgate party’s worth of chairs, tables, and music out into the driveway so that I could collapse exhaustedly into my chair and nurse my breakfast alcohol as healthy people who had already run 23 miles (23!) that morning passed.
January 4th, 2017
On Christmas morning, I went in for my morning deuce, and found that there was about three squares of toilet paper left on the roll. I had been in both of the other bathrooms the day before, and I knew that this was the extent of toilet paper in our house.
Being full of Christmas spirit, I did the charitable thing by leaving my shorts on the floor, climbing into the bathtub, and using the spray nozzle for a warm, clean, and refreshing bidet experience. Then, when I pulled my shorts back up, they were somehow soaking wet.
December 28th, 2016
I’m going to tell my iPhone to call me Alexa and my Echo to call me Siri. Then, I’m going to start a conversation, shut up, and see where the dialog between the two of them goes.
(Note: I don’t even have an Echo.)
December 9th, 2016
Dear theskinnyonbenny. How long to I have to keep hanging up crappy ornaments that my kids made in preschool?
I hate to break it to you, but you have to keep hanging that shit forever. If it makes things any better, I promise you that I hung more ugly mangled garbage than you, especially since you’re a fictional construct that I used to get this topic moving.