June 23, 2006

Last Friday evening, I dropped Mrs. theskinnyonbenny off at the airport. A quick "be careful, love you, yada yada," and I peeled out of the airport loading lane, free for a day and a half to myself.

I stopped at a tobacco store, bought three really nice cigars (which I got for a very reasonable price, plus got a fourth cigar for free). I ducked into the convenience store next door and added a six-pack of beer to my purchases. Then, I headed for the back yard.

I opened a cold beer, put on some tunes, and took off the majority of my clothes. I sat back there for a couple of hours smoking, drinking, and reading a book, all by myself. It was awesome.

While the rest of this experience is pretty much standard fare for me, I don't normally treat myself to a good cigar. In fact, I don't really smoke them more than a couple times a year. I found myself wondering how the smoke can stink to high heaven on the lit in, but have such a nice taste (kind of nutty) on the mouth in. It's the same smoke from the same tobacco. Is there some interaction with the saliva that changes it from foul to pleasant?

Since I'm a rare smoker, the big stogie gave me a little buzz. Believe me in this -- I'm not a rare beer drinker, and the one Carona didn't give me the buzz. The lightheadedness and disappearing light made it difficult to read, so I ordered a to-go box of Outback cheese fries to eat for dinner.

I ordered from there for two reasons. First, I remembered their cheese fries being really, really good. Not only do they put plenty of cheese, but they top it off with bacon. And they serve it with a pint of ranch dressing, in case the fry grease, cheese, and bacon don't make it quite bad enough for you. (They did turn out to be good, but not quite as good as I had remembered.)

The other reason I ordered from there was that I knew they bring the take-out orders right to your car. So I didn't really have to get dressed. I did throw on a T-shirt, because, well, who wants to see my gut in a roll over the seatbelt strap? I'm courteous that way.

When I got my box back home, I fed my face like Cookie Monster. That is, my left hand would be stuffing cheese fries down my gullet as fast as I could swallow, while my right hand was loading up another fistful of fries. I'm not sure how I avoided suffocation, as there was never a point where my mouth wasn't full.

Those who have seen me eat are saying to themselves, "Oh yeah. Gross. I've seen him when he eats like that." To you, I say "au contraire." I was so gross that I made the dogs lose their appetites. Did I mention the grease dripping down my wrists? No chance a napkin was going to get near them.

After that, I shoved the remains of my meal back into the bag, wiped my hands and mouth on that T-shirt, and watched bad movies all night.

While we're on the subject of gluttony, I saw this sandwich in today's USA today. It's a bacon cheeseburger, with the buns replaced by a sliced Krispy Kreme doughnut. 1000 calories, 45 grams of fat. Lord have mercy, I would like to try one of those.