Best Couch in HistoryFriday, September 18th, 2009
A buddy of mine — coincidentally one named Craig — forwarded me a link to this Craigslist post.
In case it’s difficult to read, the text is as follows…
Best Couch in History – $50 (Rosslyn)
Date: 2009-09-15, 10:20PM EDT
Reply to: firstname.lastname@example.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
$50 OBO. Ohhh no, you aren’t hallucinating. This isn’t deja vu. The partner couch to one of the hottest pieces of furniture in the history of the internet is up for grabs. I’m honestly not even sure why I’m posting this under furniture — it should be under casual encounters because after you put this bad boy in your house, your genitals may very well fall off due to overuse. In the days of yore in early 2009, a matching love seat was purchased by two fine gentlemen for a mighty sum of $1500. Now is your chance to own a piece of history.
For those of you too young to remember a couple of months ago and for those of you who might not have had the internet, you must realize that this is the chance of a lifetime. This is one sweet bone-sled. I cannot confirm, but it is widely believed that the reddish-burgandy, Mallard green, deep-ocean blue, and yellow-gold striped fabric that adorns this masterpiece was woven of Milwaukee Brewers legend Robin Yount’s chest hair and pubes. Its unique coloration means that it can blend in equally well in your garage, vineyard, or pyramid. Personally, I “utilized” it in the back of a conversion van for a while. Worked like magic. Or the roofies worked like magic. Whatever.
This piece comes with two fresh-ass throw pillows that will visually dazzle your guests if you have them over for a dinner party, or will physically dazzle the smalls of their backs or buttocks if you have them over for a totally righteous orgy or Mandingo party.
As for the seat cushions, they are made of seductively-scented foam and conform to your ass like your uncle’s firm grip. Ladies, I can guarantee you that these cushions will really impress your modestly-endowed boyfriend with a crew cut and a few ironic tats and puka-shell necklace who lies to you about having a job while he’s actually out
in the streets of Dupont on weeknights giving sans-lube wristies for a chunk of change for that gift certificate to Claire’s that he got you so you could get your cartilage or belly-button pierced or whatever it is you kids do these days.
What has four strong legs, is very rare and soft, but will totally fuck your shit up? Two-fold answer. A saber-tooth tiger, and this sick piece. Owning this bad mofo is like having the Natural History Museum and a tanning bed (!) right inside your very own home. So if you really want to get your swerve on, come pick this up in Rosslyn. If you come during the day, bring sunglasses or at least a pirate patch and a strong penchant for squinting, because its glory is blinding in sunlight. If you come at night, bring a sword and a suit of armor because in moonlight it turns into a wolf.
* Location: Rosslyn
* it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Mrs. theskinnyonbenny just recently tried and failed to sell a similar looking sofa on Craigslist, and it didn’t exactly move all that quickly. The one interested couple that I met was put off by the pet hair intricately weaved into the fabric. I can’t help but think that we should have claimed that it was chest and mustache hair from Tom Selleck.
Also, the keen observers among you might notice a tab on my broswer for “TPS Reports.” That’s not a goof. I really am working on something called TPS Reports. To date, I have not been asked to add a cover sheet to each one.
By the way, if you aren’t taking the occasional peak at yousuckatcraigslist.com, you’re denying yourself a couple of chuckles each day.